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N2XBW · 09-04-2009, 05:43 PM

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

"Oh please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you,
but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself.. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft,
and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"

The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any b***s. So you must be a politician."

53flyingcloud · 09-06-2009, 08:45 PM

Nice..I've enjoyed every single cute story posted

N2XBW · 09-07-2009, 02:53 AM

"Doctor, my ears are ringing!"

"Whatever you do, don't answer!"

happypill · 09-07-2009, 04:42 AM

the man was wheeled into recovery after a long surgery. as the young nurse approached his gurney, he groogley muttered "how are my testicles". finding the question odd, but not wanting to seem uncaring, the nurse gently lifted the sheet and looked under the man's gown. she responded " they seem just fine to me" cursiously the man looked at the nurse, and tried his question again, this time more deliberatly " how did my test's turn out"

N2XBW · 09-07-2009, 01:22 PM

So Boudreaux ask Thibidaux: "Why dem Scuba divers always fall backways off dem boats?"

To which Thibidaux replies: "You dumb Coo-nass - If dey fell forwards dey'd still be in de' boat."

greywolf · 09-08-2009, 11:31 AM

Wal-Mart has announced that sometime in late 2009 it will begin offering
customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.

The world's largest retail chain is rumored to be teaming up with the makers of Thunderbird to produce the spirits at an affordable price in the $2 to $5 range. " With this sucky economy there is a market for inexpensive
wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at the University of
Arkansas,Bentonville. "However, branding will be very
important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for
the Wal-Mart wine brand. The top ten names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau de Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet Soveniagn

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar

2. Grape Expectations

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

N2XBW · 09-08-2009, 06:18 PM

Two old guys,one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the young lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Italian bread "

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be awful hard."

He replied, "Man, I can't believe it! Everybody seems to know all about this stuff but me."

Cantrell · 09-08-2009, 08:50 PM

Three natives were walking through the rainforest when they heard a loud "FOO, FOO" and a bird made a large deposit from above on the first native. He went to the river and washed himself clean. He immediately died.

The remaining two natives continued to walk and once again hear "FOO, FOO" and a bird made a large deposit on the second native. He, too, went to the river to wash it off. He also immediately died.

The only native left continued to walk and heard "FOO, FOO" and a bird made a large deposit on him. Having seen what happened to the other two he decided not to wash it off and he lived.

Moral of the story: IF THE FOO SH*TS, WEAR IT!

N2XBW · 09-09-2009, 03:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cantrell

Moral of the story: IF THE FOO SH*TS, WEAR IT!

That sounds like a quote from Confoosius.

N2XBW · 09-18-2009, 05:25 PM

A Northern New Yorker was heading south in his AS Motorhome to escape winter. Asked how far he was going , he replied: "I'm gonna keep on heading south until someone asks me what the h&** that extension cord coming out my grill is for".

N2XBW · 10-17-2009, 04:15 PM

A C, a G and an E-flat go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but
we don't serve minors."

So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.

An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying,
"Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this
relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and
exclaims, Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a
3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes.
The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company
downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development. "

This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realized in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even
accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons,
then the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much
treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.

N2XBW · 10-28-2009, 04:50 PM

A lady takes a photo of her deceased father to a photo lab.

"Do you think you can enlarge this picture of my dad?" she asks. "And could you remove the Derby hat in the photo?"

"Of course, m'am. Our computer wizard can do unbelieveable work on old photos." replied the clerk. "By the way, what color was his hair?"

"Oh, won't you see that when you take his hat off?"

N2XBW · 11-05-2009, 11:00 AM

A grandmother took her young granddaughter into the city for a 'girls day out'.

As they walked along the sidewalk, the say a group of 'ladies' on the corner dressed in their finest makeup and 'working' clothes.

The grandmother hurried the child into a cab, but she'd seen the women.

"Grandma, what were those ladies doing all dressed up like that on the corner?"

"Well dear, those ladies were waiting for their husbands to come along after work."

"Ah, c'mon lady," spoke up the cabbie, "Why don't you tell her the truth about those prostitutes?"

Picking up instantly on a new word, the little girl asked,"Do those prostitutes have children, Grandma?"

"Of course", replied the grandma, "That's were cabbies come from!"

N2XBW · 11-12-2009, 07:22 AM

George McManus

N2XBW · 11-14-2009, 10:07 AM

The State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on
the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine...

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says:
'And her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a
lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'what's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The trooper asks: 'and you, miss, what's your age?'

The young woman looks at her watch and replies: 'I'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

Isadora · 12-11-2009, 05:34 PM

DUCT TAPE USE #317

I have to tell you that I have never seen abetter use forduct tape in my life.

Makes you want to require everyone to
carry a roll for emergencies...

N2XBW · 12-12-2009, 12:46 PM

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 5, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 6, 2009

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 7, 2009

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: December 8, 2009

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first..

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: December 9, 2009

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing weirdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 12, 2009

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

N2XBW · 01-17-2010, 12:50 PM

My pet aligator has been sick and he can't eat or crawl very well.

Now the vet says this is more common in males, so is treating him for he reptile dysfunction.

N2XBW · 01-26-2010, 05:55 PM

North Dakota Travel Guide

Things to see:

Things to do:

Cantrell · 02-09-2010, 03:59 PM

A man had 50-yard-line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
This is incredible," said the man.. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head.

"No, they're all at the funeral."