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Old 02-12-2009, 08:27 PM   #71
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A guy walks into a dentist's office and flops right down on the couch. "Doc", he says, "Here's the problem...I think I'm a moth". "Well", says, the doctor, "That certainly IS a problem, but why did you come into a dentist's office?" ......."The light was on." he replied.
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Old 02-13-2009, 04:39 AM   #72
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A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wrapped in nothing but Saran Wrap. "Do you think I'm crazy?" he asks. The shrink replies, "I can certainly see your nuts!"
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Old 02-17-2009, 07:40 PM   #73
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A guy is sitting at the bar, pouring a beer into the palm of his hand.

Bartender asks, "What the heck are you doing?"

Man answers, "Getting my date drunk".
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Old 02-19-2009, 09:21 PM   #74
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The Washington Post's Style Invitational

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and then supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.
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Old 02-20-2009, 04:44 AM   #75
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My wife said, "Whatcha doin today?"

I said, "Nothing."

She said, "You did that yesterday."

I said, "I wasn't finished."
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Old 02-20-2009, 09:49 AM   #76
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Married Life

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening,
when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in
quite some time.


It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began
moving down past the small of her back.

He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it
down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower
stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed
past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed
gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her c alf.


Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost
portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly
stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a
loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

"I found the remote," he said

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Old 02-20-2009, 01:06 PM   #77
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For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be darned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!"

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Old 02-28-2009, 12:47 PM   #78
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VENUS vs MARS

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep and I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY:

My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got l**d.
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Old 03-05-2009, 10:05 AM   #79
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Denny's new Breakfast Special...

"The Octo-Slam"

Eight eggs, no sausage and the guy next to you pays the bill.
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“After all these years the reason I continue to love Thanksgiving.....I still sit at the kids table.”
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Old 03-05-2009, 05:06 PM   #80
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Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring.We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill.The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked(as fast as an old lady can)Through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,Followed by loud applause and shrill whistling The smiling and nakedOld lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.
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Old 03-15-2009, 08:05 PM   #81
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Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, Sister Mary Joseph, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
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Old 03-22-2009, 02:23 PM   #82
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I always wondered...
What do you call defective milk duds?
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Old 04-02-2009, 06:48 PM   #83
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After living in Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't
like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly b***h he's runnin' around with.'
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Old 04-06-2009, 09:26 PM   #84
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Two teens have been dating quite a long time when the girl mentions "we have been dating a long time, we should have sex. After you meet my parents for the first time tonight, if it goes well we can do it." The boy is very happy yet nervous since it will be the first time for both of them. He goes to the drug store and asks the neighborhood pharmacist for assistance. The pharmacist, somewhat amused, takes the teen under his wing and helps him for over an hour telling him what he can expect and what to do and not to do. At the end, he asks the teen "what size box of condoms would you like? 5 pack, 10 pack, or family pack?" The teen says that he plans to be quite busy so he buys the family pack.

That night he arrives at his girlfriends house and meets the parents. They all sit down for dinner and the boyfriend offers to say grace. He bows his head and prays. 5, 10, 20 minutes pass with the boy's head still bowed. Finally the girlfriend whispers "honey I did not realize you were so religous!" The boyfriend answers back "Honey I did not realize your father was a pharmacist!"
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