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Old 01-25-2009, 09:24 AM   #57
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Musings of an old guy:

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
*****
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
*****
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
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If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who
ride horses sidesaddle.
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What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
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They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
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Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when
he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
******
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone
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One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
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My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
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The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
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How can there be self-help "groups"?
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If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
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Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show
you a man who can't get his pants off.
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Is it me--or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

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Old 01-27-2009, 05:33 AM   #58
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Lightbulb Comprehending Engineers

* Comprehending Engineers-Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus
when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking
along yesterday minding my own business when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the
bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and
said, "Take what you want." "The second engineer
nodded approvingly, 'Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."

* Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the
pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer,
the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

*Comprehending Engineers-Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The
engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have
been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in,
"I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens
keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. say,
what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh,
yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost
their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said,
"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea.
And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy
and see if there's anything he can do for them." The
engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

*Comprehending Engineers-Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers
and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build
weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

*Comprehending Engineers-Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it
work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks,
"How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting
degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate
with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

*Comprehending Engineers-Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together
discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look
at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an
electrical engineer. The nervous system has many
thousands of electrical connections." The last one
said, "Actually it was a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a
recreational area?"

*Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke,
don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't
broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

*Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were
discussing whether it was better to spend time with
the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed
time with his wife, building a solid foundation for
an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed
time with his mistress, because the passion and
mystery he found there. The engineer said,
"I like both." Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a
wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are
spending time with the other woman, and you can go to
the lab and get some work done."

*Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog
called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn
into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up
the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one
week." The engineer took the frog out of his
pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you
want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at
it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog
asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week
and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have
time for a girl friend, but a talking frog......that's cool."

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Old 01-27-2009, 09:30 AM   #59
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One spring day, a fireman was out detailing his units' firetruck...He looked over and saw a little girl with a red wagon down the sidewalk....she had it fixed with little tiny ladders, and a bell along with a helmet she had on. Part of her set up included a dog tied to it with a leash for pulling,and a large cat with a line tied to its testicles....The fireman called over to her and said, 'You might go faster if you put a leash on the cat too...' She thought for a moment and said, 'Yeah but I wouldn't have a siren.'
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Old 01-27-2009, 11:29 AM   #60
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Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
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Old 01-27-2009, 08:52 PM   #61
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A man just gets into the shower after his wife got out of it, and the doorbell rings. She quickly wraps a towel around and shoots downstairs. When she opens the door their neighbor Bob was standing there.....immediatly he said, 'I'll give you 800 dollars to drop your towel. She thought for a second- and dropped the towel. Right away he hands her 800 dollars and departs. When she returned upstairs the husband asked who it was...'It was Bob, our next door neighbor'...she said. Great! the husband said...Did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?
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Old 01-28-2009, 05:12 PM   #62
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.

One to screw it most the way and the other to give it a suprise twist.

*******************************************

How Many TEAMSTERS does it take to change a light bulb?

Twelve.
Read your contract!
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Old 02-05-2009, 10:23 AM   #63
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Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, One says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

"You better think it over", replies his companion, "Women like that are hard to find."
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Old 02-06-2009, 10:05 PM   #64
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Hey N2XBW, that joke reminds of the country song, "If you won't leave me alone, I will find someone who will".
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Old 02-07-2009, 05:21 AM   #65
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The census taker rings the doorbell.

A boy about 13 years old answers with a lit cigar in one hand and an open bottle of beer in the other.

The enumerator opens, "Hello, young fellow is your mother home?"

To which the kid -quickly glancing at the cigar and beer in his hands- replies,
"What the do you think?"

Slightly taken aback, the census taker continues,"Is your mother at work?"
The youngster answers, "Yes, she's across the street at the -house!"

The agent begins to write, "So, your mother is employed as a prostitute?"

"Naw," says the kid, "She only works 3 days a week, she's a SUBSTITUTE!"

Now the man gives it up, shakes his head and says, "Well, I'll be a S.O.B.!"

To which the boy replies, "So am I mister, but you won't catch me ringing doorbells and bragging about it!"

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Old 02-07-2009, 05:28 AM   #66
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 68 Tradewind View Post
Hey N2XBW, that joke reminds of the country song, "If you won't leave me alone, I will find someone who will".
Or how about: How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

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Old 02-07-2009, 10:58 AM   #67
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What was the last thing to go through the bugs mind before he splatted on the Airstream at 60MPH?


His butt.
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Old 02-07-2009, 01:18 PM   #68
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Originally Posted by 1cericks1 View Post
What was the last thing to go through the bugs mind before he splatted on the Airstream at 60MPH?


His butt.
Welcome to the funnyfarm! You'll fit right in here!
John
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Old 02-11-2009, 10:48 AM   #69
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6 Truths of Life

6 Truths of Life :

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.


3. And discover that The first "truth" is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're confirmed as an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still that stupid smile on your face.

I apologize about this, but I too am an idiot and I needed some company.
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Old 02-11-2009, 10:49 AM   #70
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Cool 6 Truths of Life

6 Truths of Life :

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. And discover that The first "truth" is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're confirmed as an idiot.

5. You soon will copy and forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still that stupid smile on your face.

I apologize about this, but I too am an idiot and I needed some company.
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