Visit our Popular Forums

AIR-Quarius · 01-27-2009, 07:52 PM

A man just gets into the shower after his wife got out of it, and the doorbell rings. She quickly wraps a towel around and shoots downstairs. When she opens the door their neighbor Bob was standing there.....immediatly he said, 'I'll give you 800 dollars to drop your towel. She thought for a second- and dropped the towel. Right away he hands her 800 dollars and departs. When she returned upstairs the husband asked who it was...'It was Bob, our next door neighbor'...she said. Great! the husband said...Did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?

N2XBW · 01-28-2009, 04:12 PM

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.

One to screw it most the way and the other to give it a suprise twist.

*******************************************

How Many TEAMSTERS does it take to change a light bulb?

Twelve.
Read your

contract!

N2XBW · 02-05-2009, 09:23 AM

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, One says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

"You better think it over", replies his companion, "Women like that are hard to find."

greywolf · 02-06-2009, 09:05 PM

Hey N2XBW, that joke reminds of the country song, "If you won't leave me alone, I will find someone who will".

N2XBW · 02-07-2009, 04:21 AM

The census taker rings the doorbell.

A boy about 13 years old answers with a lit cigar in one hand and an open bottle of beer in the other.

The enumerator opens, "Hello, young fellow is your mother home?"

To which the kid -quickly glancing at the cigar and beer in his hands- replies,
"What the

do you think?"

Slightly taken aback, the census taker continues,"Is your mother at work?"
The youngster answers, "Yes, she's across the street at the

-house!"

The agent begins to write, "So, your mother is employed as a prostitute?"

"Naw," says the kid, "She only works 3 days a week, she's a SUBSTITUTE!"

Now the man gives it up, shakes his head and says, "Well, I'll be a S.O.B.!"

To which the boy replies, "So am I mister, but you won't catch me ringing doorbells and bragging about it!"

N2XBW · 02-07-2009, 04:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 68 Tradewind

Hey N2XBW, that joke reminds of the country song, "If you won't leave me alone, I will find someone who will".

Or how about:

How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

1cericks1 · 02-07-2009, 09:58 AM

What was the last thing to go through the bugs mind before he splatted on the Airstream at 60MPH?

His butt.

N2XBW · 02-07-2009, 12:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1cericks1

What was the last thing to go through the bugs mind before he splatted on the Airstream at 60MPH?

His butt.

Welcome to the funnyfarm! You'll fit right in here!
John

N2XBW · 02-11-2009, 09:48 AM

6 Truths of Life :

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. And discover that The first "truth" is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're confirmed as an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still that stupid smile on your face.

I apologize about this, but I too am an idiot and I needed some company.

N2XBW · 02-11-2009, 09:49 AM

6 Truths of Life :

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. And discover that The first "truth" is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're confirmed as an idiot.

5. You soon will copy and forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still that stupid smile on your face.

I apologize about this, but I too am an idiot and I needed some company.

AIR-Quarius · 02-12-2009, 07:27 PM

A guy walks into a dentist's office and flops right down on the couch. "Doc", he says, "Here's the problem...I think I'm a moth". "Well", says, the doctor, "That certainly IS a problem, but why did you come into a dentist's office?" ......."The light was on." he replied.

N2XBW · 02-13-2009, 03:39 AM

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wrapped in nothing but Saran Wrap. "Do you think I'm crazy?" he asks. The shrink replies, "I can certainly see your nuts!"

N2XBW · 02-17-2009, 06:40 PM

A guy is sitting at the bar, pouring a beer into the palm of his hand.

Bartender asks, "What the heck are you doing?"

Man answers, "Getting my date drunk".

Aage · 02-19-2009, 08:21 PM

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and then supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.

N2XBW · 02-20-2009, 03:44 AM

My wife said, "Whatcha doin today?"

I said, "Nothing."

She said, "You did that yesterday."

I said, "I wasn't finished."

ROBERT CROSS · 02-20-2009, 08:49 AM

Married Life

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening,
when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in
quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began
moving down past the small of her back.

He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it
down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower
stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed
past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed
gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her c alf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost
portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly
stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a
loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

"I found the remote," he said

N2XBW · 02-20-2009, 12:06 PM

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be darned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!"

N2XBW · 02-28-2009, 11:47 AM

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep and I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:
My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got l**d.

ROBERT CROSS · 03-05-2009, 09:05 AM

Denny's new Breakfast Special...

"The Octo-Slam"

Eight eggs, no sausage and the guy next to you pays the bill.

N2XBW · 03-05-2009, 04:06 PM

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring.We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill.The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked(as fast as an old lady can)Through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,Followed by loud applause and shrill whistling The smiling and nakedOld lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.