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Old 02-10-2008, 08:56 AM   #15
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Those are funny!
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Old 02-10-2008, 04:40 PM   #16
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Happy Ending

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water .

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell .

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out .

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned .

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house .

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back .

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day .

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
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Old 02-15-2008, 06:53 PM   #17
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A Fond Goodbye

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the
worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with
trembling hands.

"Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom
and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings,
tattoos, her skin-tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am. But it's not only the passion... Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns an old Airstream
trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the
other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. You
taught me well. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get
to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your son,
Rick

P.S. Dad, None of the above is true. I'm over at Tom's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are way worse things in life than
the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home."
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Old 02-22-2008, 06:15 PM   #18
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There's a new paint on the market. It's called "Blonde"
It's not very bright but it spreads easy.
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Old 02-22-2008, 07:02 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by N2XBW
There's a new paint on the market. It's called "Blonde"
It's not very bright but it spreads easy.
You're always on the edge....
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Old 02-26-2008, 01:45 PM   #20
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Gator Bait

An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm. He had a large pond in the back which was deep enough for swimming, so He fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, some apple and peach trees, and his precious Airstream trailer.

One evening the old fellow decided to go down to the pond, as he Hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with Glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a group of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.

He rattled the bucket to make the women aware of his presence. Immediately they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you-all leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up and banging on the side he said, 'I'm just here to feed the 'gators.'
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Old 02-28-2008, 12:48 AM   #21
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Be-ins from a small red-neck town I can relate to having to get dressed up to out to Wal-Mart. In fact I was just there tonight, it's where we all go to meet our friends and get caught up on what all is going on around here. I ran into an old high school friend tonight who didn't bother to get too dressed up though.
Was wearing a see through sleeveless T-shirt to show off all the cool tatoos, shirt wasn't even long enough to cover up a beer gut, tobacco spit stains running down the front of the shirt, rotted, blackened teeth, unbrushed hair, ain't washed up in a couple of weeks and you should have seen her husband!!
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Old 02-28-2008, 02:35 PM   #22
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Lucky Day!

Jethro is driving down a back road. A sign in front of a roadhouse reads:

Happy Hour Special -
Lobster Tail and Beer

"Luck-y day!" he says to himself, "My three mos' fav-o-rite things!"
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Old 03-03-2008, 07:17 PM   #23
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The clerk showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' she asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'Heck, I know him.'

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Old 03-03-2008, 07:25 PM   #24
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A blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is onlyfair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
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Old 03-03-2008, 07:37 PM   #25
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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went camping.
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Old 03-04-2008, 07:10 PM   #26
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A Morman was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from Dublin. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey. Then the flight attendant asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
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Old 03-07-2008, 05:59 PM   #27
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On St. Patrick's Day all our friends and family will be in good spirits...
...and vice versa!
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Old 03-09-2008, 03:53 PM   #28
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living will

living will
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