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Old 02-20-2008, 06:30 PM   #715
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim & Susan
A little help, please. Isn't this redundant?

Corona Light.

Jim
Prolix yes...

But it sure tastes good..
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Old 02-20-2008, 07:36 PM   #716
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In Rochester, NY they don't bother with "LITE", they just ask for a "Jenny"
(Genesee Beer) and the "lite" part is built right in.

Hence the saying:
Drinking Jenny is like making love in a canoe...
It's *&^&*^$ near water!
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Old 02-21-2008, 11:34 PM   #717
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Depressed?

Today I was feeling so depressed I called the local mental health line....

I was transferred to a call center in Pakistan.

When I told them I was so depressed that I was considering suicide they got really excited...

And asked if I could fly a plane or drive a truck.

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Old 02-22-2008, 03:25 PM   #718
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Talking The MRE Gourmet

An enlisted friend sent me this. I believe it is a true story. A riot in any case!

The MRE Gourmet
(Meal, Ready-to-Eat)

Only those that have served and eaten MRE's can truly appreciate
this. More commentary from me at the end...

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.

After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.

I got out my trusty case of Army MRE's (Meal, Ready-to-Eat) Field Rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I
made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out
Three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight
packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautaed in shaved garlic and olive oil.

In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together
to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added
some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then
cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and
a bed of yellow poop.

I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five
Packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism,
and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila - Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special
Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special" - it
sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes
- 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked
like an eerie Kool-Aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess ..
could've been leftover sand from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that **** is EXPENSIVE ... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept
asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what?
Okay .. yeah ... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make .yup.

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my
restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself
"uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin.

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each,
Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smellgood) and returned to the
couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the
bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say "What the hell is
WRONG with me???", as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the
porcelain bowl.

This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll
Being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair
instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her
chest,
kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she
ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't
come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing
so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am
SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so
embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!"

I gave her an Immodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had
enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her
all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of
"Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I
ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?"

After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a
word.

She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't **** for 3 days, and when
she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down
the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat
the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her
again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.

I know, I'm an a**hole, but it was still a funny night.


Let me just say that MREs produce the worst gas known to man. I literally cleared out the wing of a building one day after having been out in the field for 2 weeks eating nothing but MREs. I thought they tasted pretty good going in, but coming out they are truly chemical and biological weapons of mass destruction.
Hoo-ah!
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Old 02-22-2008, 09:51 PM   #719
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Man, I love some ham slice and potatoes au rotten heated up in the little chemical pouch w/ some MRE tobassco on it. Mmmmmmm...mmmmmmmmthat's good.
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Old 02-25-2008, 04:30 PM   #720
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Passports

Why do they expire?

Ahhh, you need to get your eyes or hearing checked? Maybe you're suddenly not a citizen, or maybe you might have died (as you know, bad guys just wouldn't be able to steal your passport and use it if you were alive). Perhaps you're just not as smart as you were.

I mean, what qualification is it that you might no longer have? Maybe your butt is too wide to fit in a single airline seat?

Which brings up a related question, if you get in your sailboat and go out beyond the 12 mile limit, or even the 200 mile economic limit, but don't touch any foreign country, do you need a passport to step back onto US soil? Did you actually "leave?" If you just went out and parked at 11.5 miles, over the horizon, for year, could the babushkas at Homeland Defense not let you land?

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Old 02-25-2008, 05:06 PM   #721
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Well, I look a lot different now than I did 10 years ago. And I don't have a sailboat, but I know sombody who does.

Jim
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Old 02-25-2008, 05:08 PM   #722
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Old 02-25-2008, 05:15 PM   #723
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artaxerxes said unto nehemiah...

"go cross the river from persia into judah, and hold their governors to your bosom...

and may this letter give you safe passage."


therefore the answer, i would say is...

when the nipple makes its first appearance

cheers
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Old 02-25-2008, 05:16 PM   #724
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Back to the beginning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeppelinium
Which brings up a related question, if you get in your sailboat and go out beyond the 12 mile limit, or even the 200 mile economic limit, but don't touch any foreign country, do you need a passport to step back onto US soil? Did you actually "leave?" If you just went out and parked at 11.5 miles, over the horizon, for year, could the babushkas at Homeland Defense not let you land?

Zep
What if you are hijacked without a passport or other ID and taken across the border to that hotbed of insurrection, Canada? Can you ever come back?

If you are from Cuba and make it to US soil (wet foot, dry foot policy), you can stay, but maybe not if you're a US citizen whose boat blew 12.1 miles out to sea and you had no passport.

At last, we have come back around to hijacking. Zep, I'm sure you planned this all along.

Gene
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Old 02-25-2008, 07:23 PM   #725
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CrawfordGene
What if you are hijacked without a passport or other ID and taken across the border to that hotbed of insurrection, Canada? Can you ever come back?

If you are from Cuba and make it to US soil (wet foot, dry foot policy), you can stay, but maybe not if you're a US citizen whose boat blew 12.1 miles out to sea and you had no passport.

At last, we have come back around to hijacking. Zep, I'm sure you planned this all along.

Gene
Actually, if you are an Airstream owner and you happen to bring it into Canada and you do not have a valid Passport we get to keep you. You do not have any option. You have to stay here with the rest of us and pay really high taxes, buy gas at close to $5 bucks for regular and soon to be closer to 6, and eat cheese and drink good old Molson beer.

Barry

Barry
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Old 02-25-2008, 07:58 PM   #726
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Barry Barry, Will we get free health care?

Molsons is now controlled by Coors, a beer that is an embarrassment to Colorado since it has as much flavor as upstate NY's Genesee. I'd drink Labatts, but that isn't owned by Canadians anymore either. A Dos X please.

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Old 02-25-2008, 08:47 PM   #727
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Gene

Everyone gets free healthcare, as long as they pay for it . We just don't have to pay an arm and a leg for it, instead we give them our pay, they deduct whatever they think they need along with a contingency, and then give back what they decide we should be able to live on. Someone, please hijack me to some place with no taxes but that still has reasonable health care please please please. Make it warm too, not too hot though, given my northern complexion and all....

I honestly cannot speak to the quality of evil spirits any longer being forced into abstinance by the health care system. They tell me the drugs are better for me than the beer????

I do remember friends showing up with beer from the east coast of Canada that I think was called Moose Spit or something like that and they were raving about it. Of course by then they had engaged in several of them so I suspect anything would have tasted good, even out of date Coors .

So, any of you folks wants to get trapped in the land of the frozen north just forget your passport at home when you come this way with your Airstream. You will find that HLS won't let you back in again unless you know the secret passcode and handshake.

Barry
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Old 03-01-2008, 07:49 PM   #728
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Thumbs up irrigation problem...what?....never mind

We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.

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