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Old 02-23-2013, 02:27 PM   #99
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On the Driveway #5 - or Since One of You Asked for "Lunch"

My Encounter with “Mike the Bike”

“I have the day all planned,” says my date to be with that delightful drawl that comes across so pleasingly on the phone. "A bicycle ride then lunch, perhaps?"

I guess this is what you would call a “blind date.” I’ve seen his picture – not bad – and he says he’s a “cycling freak” and is known as “Mike the Bike.” I haven’t been on a bicycle for years - don’t even own one, but “Mike the Bike” tells me he will bring the bicycles. I wonder if I can still remember. But don’t they say, once you learn to ride you never forget? Tee-hee.

I know long pants can get caught in the bicycle chain, so am wearing orange pedal pushers. They’re a bit tight since I bought them. I guess I’ve put on a few extra pounds.... maybe ten....maybe even twenty.....or so.

My apartment intercom rings. It is Mike. “Hi. I’m ready to go. C’mon down!”

I grab my water bottle and dash down two flights of stairs. With three bounds I am across the lobby and out the door.

I can hardly believe what I see. My fit, debonair date is sitting astride a bicycle built for two. My heart does a pitter patter as I blush and exclaim, “You romantic devil. This is just so unbelievably charming.”

“Not really” says Mike the Bike "The one-person bicycles were all rented. It was either this or two tricycles.”

My heart stops pitter pattering. Oh well. At least he is honest. I’m sure we’ll still have a nice ride and a delightful lunch.

Speaking of lunch -- or too many lunches as the case may be -- I notice Mike the Bike hasn’t taken his eyes off my orange pedal pushers, size X-large.

I am tempted to ask, “Do they make me look fat?” but I already know the answer because Mike the Bike then says somewhat flatly, “These bicycle seats only come in one size. I can’t make yours bigger.”

“That’s okay” I say airily. “I think I can manage.” Mike the Bike holds our love chariot steady as I hoist myself aboard. I pretend to to ignore the groan of the seat springs as I plop, along with Mike the Bike’s pained expression. Oh well. Back in the saddle again!

Mike the Bike was right about those seats. They must have been made for anorexics. My thighs spill over each side like two full Glad garbage bags. I slap one thigh. It jiggles. I then blurt out, “Too much cake and pudding, I guess. Maybe you should have rented a bicycle built for three?”

My feeble stab at humour obviously does not amuse Mike the Bike as he says nothing, before lightly springing onto the front seat.

We are off.

But it feels good to be out in the fresh air. We are going downhill and our legs don’t have to work too hard. The wind in the face feels good. Maybe the day will be filled with mirth - fat thighs and all.

“Hey Mike!” I shout. “Want to sing? How about ‘A bicycle made for two'? You know it?”

“Yeah, I do. Okay,” he yells back.

”One, two three, sing!”

We both burst out in song.
"Daisy, Daisy give me your answer do,
It won’t be a stylish marriage,
I can’t afford a carriage,
but you look sweet upon a seat
of a bicycle built for two."

But just as we finish the final chord, our easy downhill coast is over. We have come to a big hill.

Mike the Bike raises himself out of the saddle and leans forward into the climb. I follow suit. I’m trying my hardest, but after ten pedals I’m through. I wonder if Mike the Bike will notice if I just sit there with my feet off the pedals. Maybe if we keep singing he won’t?

“Hey Mike. How about another song?” I boom, as I take my feet off the pedals and stick my legs straight out like a pair of open scissors.

“Yeah, okay” he gasps. “But are you pulling your weight? It’s suddenly gotten awfully hard to pedal?”

"Yes, my sweets. My legs are just a goin’ like piston rods. Let’s sing again, and it will take our minds off the work."

“Must be all that weight and aerodynamic drag in the back then,” Mike the Bike replies somewhat weakly. “I’ll pick the song this time.”

“Hokay,” I reply effortlessly. Even with the narrow seat, I am enjoying the free ride.

Mike the Bike begins his song....
"She's a twosome, *pant*
She's a foursome
If she'd lose some *gasp*
I would like her more some
Can she prance up a hill?
No, no, no, no, no... *pant*
Can she dance a quadrille?
No, no, no, no, no,
Oh, I don’t want her, you can have her
She’s too fat for me.... ♫ *gasp*

Mike the Bike has made his point. I want out - or off.

“Stop!" I holler, but he keeps going.

"Does she fit in your coupe? *gasp*
By herself she's a group..."

“Stop this bicycle!” I holler again, but Mike the Bike doesn’t hear me as we’re still going uphill, slowly but surely. We’re almost at the crest, and he is still singing. ...
"Could she possibly
Sit upon your knee? *gasp*
No, no, no pant *cough*
Oh, I don't want her, you can have her
She's too fat for me..." *pant*

We’ve now reached the top of the hill. Mike the Bike puts on the brakes and turns around, his face beet red and dripping with sweat. “I think I need a drink,” as he points to the Starbucks across the street. “I hope you didn’t mind the song. I was just trying to make light of some heavy weather."

But I am mad. A slow simmer envelops. Even the iced cappuccino won’t help this burn.

So, I excuse myself to go to the washroom, and when I get back I tell Mike the Bike that I have a headache and he doesn’t have to take me home.

We both feign great disappointment over the abrupt ending of our date. I do not think this is unusual. The kind of bald-faced lies told on most first dates would put a political speech writer to shame.

We go back outside. Mike the Bike swings onto the bicycle built for two, now minus one, cheerily waves, then begins his pedal back down the hill.

I begin the walk home. I can forget Mike the Bike, but cannot forget how much I enjoyed the idea of unexplored places – the open road – even from the vantage point of a too-narrow bicycle seat.

A tail-light comes on in my head. I just have to follow it.

Someday I will hit that open road and go exploring......
with an Airstream trailer!
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Old 02-23-2013, 02:35 PM   #100
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Can I have the movie rights?

Dave
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Old 02-25-2013, 09:21 AM   #101
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Can I have the movie rights?

Dave
"Start the show."



BTW, another member asked what this drivel this has to do with being "On the Road?"

Very little, actually.

I just figured I'm doing a big favour for the mods. Instead of leaving my "road apples" all over the forum, I'd keep them all together....like.

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Old 02-25-2013, 10:14 AM   #102
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Keep it coming. There has to be something in the way of entertainment on this site or we will all go to the "house of depression".

And you have included a mention of 'Airstream or trailer' in almost every thread. And "On the Road" trying to avoid those apples is what we are all involved in from start to finish.

Did you get that lock opened?

Dave
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Old 02-25-2013, 10:27 AM   #103
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Beautiful!
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Old 02-25-2013, 11:13 AM   #104
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how do you like THEM apples! Haha!
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Old 02-25-2013, 12:32 PM   #105
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Did you get that lock opened?

Dave
Yes, after a struggle.

It would appear that the FaN can't even stand me now: "You never take me anywhere or buy me anything anymore. All I'm good for is the bed. I feel used."

So, she locked me out.
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Old 02-25-2013, 12:33 PM   #106
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Beautiful!
Ain't it?
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Old 03-05-2013, 01:29 AM   #107
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"On the Dike" Today

Sixty-five years ago much of the Fraser Valley was under water when the Fraser River crested during the big Spring melt of 1948.



After that, an extensive canal and diking system was built. They not only serve an important purpose, but are also used as exercise paths for people, dogs, and horses.

You can see for miles and miles....



Cranberry fields forever.......



Pristine Mt. Baker, but she still considered an active volcano. I hope she never blows......

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Old 03-13-2013, 01:35 PM   #108
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On the Driveway #6 - Revelation!

Some of my friends think I should write an Airstream-themed cookbook. I've decided to go for it!

Right now I am toying with a few titles. How about....

- The Canadian Frump Cooks in a New American Beauty?

- Drive, Park, Eat, Love, Fart?

Or...in keeping with today's news from the Vatican....

Smoke Rising From the Fantastic Fan: A Nice Catholic Girl Cooks Papal-Worthy Meals?

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Old 03-13-2013, 04:37 PM   #109
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Here's a vote

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fly at Night View Post
Some of my friends think I should write an Airstream-themed cookbook. I've decided to go for it!

Right now I am toying with a few titles. How about....

- The Canadian Frump Cooks in a New American Beauty?

- Drive, Park, Eat, Love, Fart?

Or...in keeping with today's news from the Vatican....

Smoke Rising From the Fantastic Fan: A Nice Catholic Girl Cooks Papal-Worthy Meals?

I vote for door #3 - timely yet "classic"!
John S.
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Old 03-14-2013, 07:28 AM   #110
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I had white smoke coming out of my toaster....a new poptart has been chosen!
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Old 03-14-2013, 10:11 AM   #111
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I vote for door #3 - timely yet "classic"!
John S.
Noted, Cardinal John.
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Old 03-14-2013, 10:13 AM   #112
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I had white smoke coming out of my toaster....a new poptart has been chosen!


Are you entering it in this month's "chefs" contest?
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