iCamp's 20 rules every campground should have

[iCamp]

Based on my past 3 1/2 years of full-timing I compiled this list of campground rules that mocks some of my favorite camping locations. Enjoy!
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1.Children playing, speed limit is 5 mph so please try to stay under 50mph (75 max), unless you are in a hurry then drive as fast as you please.

2. If it burns, it goes in the fire pit. Everything else goes in the dumpster at a cost of $5.00 per bag, however you should first attempt to burn it, use gasoline as needed. You’ll find most everything will burn if thoroughly saturated with gasoline.

3. Fire pits can be vented directly into your neighbor’s camper as long as you warn them to turn on their exhaust fans before lighting a fire or remember to warn them when they begin to cough and before you hear bodies falling to the floor.

4. ALWAYS clean up after your pets, unless you are (a.) afraid to touch poop, (b.) too good to touch poop (c.) just don’t feel like bending over. Then it is okay to leave it for a child to step in.

5.No more than 2 folding chairs per site, multiplied by the number of sites at the Campground, because you never know when you might get company.

6. Kill any wildlife that wanders onto your site.

7. Bait wildlife onto your site with food, left out at all times, so you have something to shoot at.

8. All outdoor appliances should match or at the bare minimum be complimentary colors (i.e. golden harvest & avocado green)

9. Quiet time is from 10PM to 8AM unless (a.) you are drunk and in the mood for some Bocephus (b.) need firewood chopped for the following day (c) you need to kill wildlife that you baited onto your site

10. Junk cars should be parked on your own site, unless they are in your way, then feel free to park them on your neighbor’s site.

11. No nails or hooks allowed in trees, unless your “Redneck Heaven” sign or Christmas in July lights require nails or hooks, then by all means go ahead. American flag mounts may also be screwed directly into trees as patriotism trumps botany.

12. All campers should leave at least one walking path thru the trash located on their site, unless they (a) can walk on their neighbors site to get in their camper or (b) are skilled climbers.

13. Please keep large pets i.e. lions, tigers and bears on leashes at all times (unless they want to play with the other camper's children)

14. No fences allowed on camp sites, unless (a.) you don’t want to look at your neighbor’s sewer hose (b.) you don’t want to follow this rule.

15. No campfires under trees unless there happen to be trees above your fire pit.

16. No campfires should be left unattended unless (a.) your neighbors irritate you (b.) you need to make a beer run (c.) you’re going somewhere but might want to burn more trash when you return in 3 hours.

17. Please do not store propane in propane cylinders, it may inhibit your neighbor’s ability to build large, unattended bonfires.

18. Use of tarps as furniture covers is not permitted unless you wad it up under your camper while you are camping and you want to use tarps as a furniture covers.

19. No storage sheds allowed on campsites. However you may store enough belongings to survive no more than two zombie apocalypses under tarps anywhere on your site, just so it doesn’t (a.) extend more than two feet onto your neighbor’s site (b.) interfere with their ability to burn their trash or (c.) inhibit their ability to kill wildlife feeding off of food from your outdoor refrigerator.

20. No open display of alcoholic beverages, unless you (a.) are over 21 and want to walk around drinking (b.) are under 21 and want to do the same (c.) plan to use the empty bottles to make “redneck wind chimes”.

[AtomicNo13]

Omg....
This took obvious time and personal experience!

I'm printing copies of this for s.o.b campers near me.
Thanks for the community service!

[weirdstuff]

Hilarious. Would it be ok if I posted this on my blog? I will credit you for it, however you'd like your name credited.

[aluminitus]

Oh we had a good laugh at that. Thanks for posting.

[Landrum]

Those are great, but my top two are missing.

Only two vehicles per site and only on pavement which in Arkansas means 4 to 5 vehicles parked anywhere except the pavement.

Don't leave dogs un-attended unless it's after 10pm and you leave so they will bark non-stop.We are having a great time camping with the kids, and they really enjoy it.

[Landrum]

I have NO IDEA where that last sentence came from???

[TBRich]

Hahaha! You have obviously camped in (or at least checked out) some of the same campgrounds we have!

[sandlapper]

Thanks for the laugh...I needed one.

John

[iCamp]

Thanks everyone. Sadly, one campground inspired most of these rules. I won't mention the name here but it you find yourself there you will probably know it!

[dkrug]

Thanks for the laugh! I would add that if you own an old Dodge diesel with stacks you need to start it up and run it for 15 minutes every hour all night long.

[xrvr]

Or a Harley! Jim

[kscherzi]

That campground sounds like hell on earth.

[pappy19]

You forgot the one about barking dogs and kids that stay up after 10 pm making loud noises.

[iCamp]

I learned early on to drown out outside noise with a white noise app. The one I chose drowns out most everything except for wood splitting at 4am, police sirens and the occasional screams of joy from my next door neighbor's group as they start a new movie on their outdoor television. (apparently it is quite the thrill every time it works)

The app I use and play through my computer speakers is called WhiteNoise and is available in the Apple App store. The best thing about it is that you can combine sounds to create your own artificial audio environment. Some of my favorite combos are rain on a tin roof mixed with thunder and wind chimes, another favorite is the beach, mixed with a crackling campfire, ocean and wind, and then there is amazon forest, frogs and stream. All of these at the right volume (10) will drown out all but the loudest of partiers and the occasional homicide.

[Landrum]

We typically use the AC fan. We set the fan on low, and we can't here anything outside.

[iCamp]

That works for most situations but I defy your AC fan to cover the sound of automatic gunfire or a SWAT helicopter landing in the field next to you lol!

[GAStreamin]

I have had the best laugh this morning. I was laughing out loud on the monorail. It couldn't be helped. It's just so darn funny!

[iCamp]

Thanks again, everyone. I'm glad I could brighten your day with my list of rules based on the crazy things I've seen people do over the years. Every one of them are based on actual events observed from the inside of my Airstream. As they say truth is stranger than fiction.

[GAStreamin]

Originally Posted by iCamp

Thanks again, everyone. I'm glad I could brighten your day with my list of rules based on the crazy things I've seen people do over the years. Every one of them are based on actual events observed from the inside of my Airstream. As they say truth is stranger than fiction.

I think it the fact that there is truth to them that makes them so funny.

[iCamp]

The campsite nightmares are made of! aka The campsite that inspired "iCamp's 20 Rules Every Campground Should Have".