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masseyfarm · 09-22-2014, 07:55 PM

I'm just afraid Gene that I won't remember all the good times as there were many. I am so grateful that we did take a few pictures over the years, and her Dad had a good quality camera from the mid 60's and later that recorded many of the family gatherings and events.

I have found, from our own travel experience, that we take many photos of the location we are visiting that do not include our travelling partner. I remind everyone, the picture you take will be the same image as a thousand other people have taken , unless you have your loved one in that picture, and then it is unique to you and yours forever.

Dave

Heather at the head of navigation on the Mighty Fraser River in British Columbia. Photo take near Tete Jaune Cache, BC.
http://goo.gl/maps/NzClW

SteveSueMac · 09-22-2014, 08:10 PM

Excellent advice about the pictures, Dave. Thanks and be well.

masseyfarm · 09-28-2014, 10:03 AM

Another month just about gone and the CLIPPER sits in the yard waiting to go somewhere. I am finding it hard to go as being alone is not going to be the fun memories that I cherish from our past.

That little setback/incident on the road to Port Renfrew a couple weeks ago did actually draw my concentration to something other than my personal troubles. It was satisfying that I had the tools and was equipped once again to handle this type of thing that may happen when one is on the road.

Always carry your tools and coveralls, as you probably will need them someday.

As I sit here tonight, lonely and blue,
I remember the good times I once had with you,
The time we first met on that day back to school,
Made that long year ahead turn out to be "cool",
We talked and we laughed, it was so simple back then,...
As our biggest problem was finding our pen.

We said our goodbyes, as our Grad day approached.
The future looked bright and we all hoped,
That each of us on our own journeys path,
Would succeed in our wishes and the good times would last,
Through the real world that we were now to take on,
And the desire to search and build our own family home.

Work kept us apart until we met at the store,
That time spent with you, I just wanted more,
Your smile and your touch were something I needed,
And for that I worked hard to be sure you were treated,
With all the best I could afford at the time,
For all I wanted was to make you mine.

Over our years together, we managed to win,
A relationship that others may never begin,
For the total commitment we gave to each other,
Brewed a lasting LOVE just so much better,
Life passed so quickly I hardly had time,
To appreciate the fact that you were only mine.

First birthday in over 45 years alone,
I weep in the empty and dark of our home.
I wish you could visit or we could start over again
But I have to accept this must be someones "plan"
I will carry your memory for each moment I live,
God I miss you like crazy, What I wouldn't give.

Love you forever.
Dave

Gene · 09-28-2014, 01:44 PM

Dave, memories do compress and even fade, but the best ones remain. What really changes is the charge on them, especially the memories of the end. By "charge" I mean the energy we put into them. The energy in the painful memories lessens with time, never fast enough, but it should lessen.

Good point about the photos.

A suggestion—load up the Clipper, get behind the wheel and start driving wherever your heart takes you. They'll be sadness of course, but also the joy of the road and seeing beautiful (or maybe just interesting) places. You'll meet people and talk with them. You'll show off your Clipper. You might go to the mainland and see new things or familiar ones. Check out rallies on the Forum and see other Airstreamers—you may know some of them from the Forum. Being with other people with common interests may help you.

Gene

masseyfarm · 09-30-2014, 11:20 AM

Thanks again Gene. Getting away for any length of time is not really an option at this point, but I do long to hit the road..

As time goes by and I have more time to reflect back on where we've been in our lives, I now realize that:

"Memories are the ultimate treasure chest one can leave behind in this world but they must be packaged with love".

Take the time to record every day of your journey, not just your vacations, but every day of your lives. It will be important to loved ones that follow in your steps.

Thanks again to all for your support here and in PM's received over this difficult period of my life. I will carry on as best I can.

Dave

masseyfarm · 10-19-2014, 05:52 PM

I have shed lots of tears making this short video of "MY HEATHER"s life and I feel there is a message here for everyone of us on this Sunday.

God, "I MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY" - YouTube

Dave

masseyfarm · 10-26-2014, 11:00 PM

So here is a question that I would like an opinion on and it probably rates up there with hitches and diesel vs gas.

Let me know what you think.

It is nearing the end of Oct. and on this Sunday morning, after another restless night, I got up early and dug out our MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE to review and confirm just what I committed myself to back in 1969.

OUR Marriage Certificate was hand written and in it are two paragraphs that are specific.

The first paragraph quoted lays out the "rules of the game", and the second notable paragraph in the contract deals with "the length" this contract is good for. I am now asking you for your interpretation on this.

I was under the misguided mindset, (from watching all those romantic movies in our early days) that there was a "till death do us part" at the end of the second quote. Our Marriage Certificate does not have this but was substituted by "AS LONG AS WE BOTH SHALL LIVE".

1) "Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."

2) " In the presence of God and before these witnesses, I, David, take you, Heather, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better , for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health; in joy and in sorrow; to love and to cherish and to be faithful to you alone, as long as we both shall live."

So the legal/religious question is:
Am I legally bound for my life to "My Heather" even though she has passed and I may live for another 30+ years?

I would not have interpreted it that way if it had happened that I was to have passed away before her, but I am not sure what she was thinking when she had this worded this way?

Your thoughts would be of interest.

I also, for those interested, have a ver 1.2 of her life with some update of photos that are of better quality than the original post.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8OMMdaIDuA

Dave

Foiled Again · 10-27-2014, 03:40 AM

Dave - as long as we BOTH SHALL LIVE does mean the same as "til death do us part."

Death has parted you two, at least for the present. After death? Well no one ever sends back a clear e-mail, do they?

I never met you or your wife, but based on what you yourself have said, I would think that she IS happy to know that you really love and value your years together. She wouldn't expect you to do without some kind of mourning period, but she'd also think it wouldn't be a compliment to her memory if you locked your heart forever. A happy love increases your capacity to give and to receive love; and in time if you found you needed that closeness, your willingness to accept it would be a true tribute to the goodness of your lives together.

No, you don't have to spend the next 30 years alone. In the short run, consider a puppy. Longer term, to be brutally frank - watch out for the widows with "votive casseroles" - they'll be coming out of the woodwork.

Me, I grill steak, and carry 12 year old single malt scotch! Sort of a 357 magnum approach to stalking. Subtle? pfff. (Actually I'm LONG divorced and probably too well adapted to being alone to seriously consider marriage. My ex-husband stories? Compared to most he was quite civilized... but a male "Ado Annie.")

Advice? I actually have more close male friends than I ever did when I was young, however (solely for your sake) I just did a mental image of thinking about trying to "light the rocket" with one of my best men friends, and then another and then a third (Ack! Ack! Ack!). Not gonna happen. Why screw up what I have now? Oddly, if I got seriously involved with one, I'd fear losing the other men friends. Weird.

Anyway back to YOU. Socialize actively. Sometime within the next year to 18 months, try going on a DATE. Repeat periodically. If it feels right and good, stop listening to anyone's advice but your own. But be aware that just drifting indefinitely isn't going to work.
----------------------------

Coincidentally, I met a woman who at age 79 divorced her husband of 55 years. They made it through the children, the stress of never having two dimes to rub together, empty nest syndrome, retirement. I just couldn't understand it, so being me and having no "couth" I just asked her how/why after 55 years she did it. Being 79 and basically being beyond caring for most social niceties, she responded that he'd had a near fatal heart attack when he was 58. Then one day she woke up and realized she was 78 and had been putting up with him as a short term solution because she expected him to drop dead at any minute. She then grabbed the bull by the horns. "I might only live a couple more years, but I'm entitled to have a few years of not having to live with that miserable..." (Those who do know her ex confirm that he is "walking misery" to be around.)

I'm sure you still have some serious pain ahead, and many issues to deal with, but you'll also start to have "grace moments" where the sun will shine, you'll see something beautiful, or you'll just find yourself smiling at something funny. DON'T feel bad about feeling better! You are supposed to heal and those moments are part of that process.

Enjoy a little pure silliness from time to time. I was in Lancaster PA a week ago and brought back a joke. Here goes:

clop, clop, clop, clop, clop.... BANG!
what was that?

Amish Drive-by.

Best wishes truly, Paula

Msmoto · 10-27-2014, 04:01 AM

I tend to agree with a lot that has been written. You can demonstrate your love for your deceased wife by living the best life you can. She no doubt wants you to be happy. Then and now.

Grieving is not about saying goodby but about accepting reality and moving on, holding dear to your heart the memories of her. These one never has to give up.

At some point, get back doing all the things you did together and enjoy the friends you have. The rallies are full of new friends and if you have other interests jump into these. Living a life one day at a time and enjoying the moment is what she would want for you. It is simply a continuation of her love for you.

Be well,

Ms Tommie Lauer
Greensboro, NC
2015 Serenity 30 RB / 2008 Dodge Cummins 4 X 4
WBCCI #4165 AIR #31871

masseyfarm · 10-27-2014, 11:44 AM

Thanks Paula for your thoughtful analysis of my situation here. I guess I am standing just too close to the trees to see that green open meadow in the forest!

I must admit, that when we were getting married back in 1969, I did not pay much attention to what was written, or spoken, in fact, I could not wait for the show to be over, so that we could get going with all those things that were more important at the time!~?

No doubt I am probably at that point of feeling sorry for myself. The wet cool wet weather is here and that is not helping me get out and "smell the roses".

But, contrary to you who have adjusted and become accustomed to being alone, I am in misery here now in the same situation. I miss the company, the 'arguments', the being together, the warmth, and the LOVE of our interactions over the years and especially over the last 5 years of my retirement when we were together constantly.

The whole concept that I have of "camping" or travel is now lost as that beautiful soul, my girl/lady, my navigator, my friend, my councilor and confident, my resource center, and my love, is not there to enjoy it with me. We were 'two pees in a pod" when we traveled the continent in our Clipper and, as much as I wish to be able to do that again, I am not sure that will ever be possible.

One thing I do need more of is a little laughter now and then and you have that great ability with your posts to give me that.

I will survive, it is just at what level of enjoyment??????????

Dave

masseyfarm · 10-27-2014, 12:02 PM

Thanks Msmoto for your view of my situation at the moment.

Yes, Heather would have wanted me to 'be happy' but I am having problems 'letting go' without feeling that guilt every night that I am somehow, letting her down.

I am not sleeping well, and it seems a new memory or question arises each night that needs to be addressed, and that takes research time and more tears, to do that.

As every day passes, I am moving on, but that light at the end of the tunnel seems to be a long way off.

Dave

Gene · 10-27-2014, 01:28 PM

Dave,

First of all, the legal view. I don't know BC law, but Canada and the US are quite similar. No marriage license issued by a state, and probably by a province, is going to bind you after death; it doesn't even bind you before since divorce is possible. The "certificate" you quote is probably something prepared by whomever officiated. It should not have the effect of a government issued document. It is not a legally enforceable contract either. Paula is correct—"as long as we BOTH SHALL LIVE does mean the same as 'til death do us part.'"

Grieving usually takes 6 to 18 months. There's nothing wrong with dating before 6 months or any other time, but beware of rebound romance. You sound very vulnerable right now and that is to be expected. There are a lot more older women than men and some of them are sharks. But there are nice ones too. It hasn't been much more than 4 months—this takes time.

Gene

Foiled Again · 10-27-2014, 02:55 PM

Hey Dave, Listen to Gene... but remember he has a child bride/trophy wife. So, in time, you might be well served to do what he DOES, not what he SAYS. Gene does give good advice about the rebound romance though. (Get a 70's bumper sticker for the clipper - one that says "Gas, Grass or Ass - No one rides for free!" might be offputting enough to scare away the sharks.)

Now much more seriously, consider getting some counseling. There are many groups for people who have recently suffered the same kind of loss you have, and one thing that does alleviate the really dark thoughts is to realize you aren't entirely isolated.

Next, about the sleep. I'm not a fan of sleeping pills in general, but go to your doctor and get a prescription for a couple of weeks worth. Your brain is a squirrel cage right now, and you need to retrain yourself to get some regular sleep. Breaking the habit of restless sleep, plus actually sleeping for 6 to 8 hours a night will help more than you can imagine. Your emotions are torn up, so you need to at least see that your body DOES get some respite so that you've got some small part of your day to day existence that feels "normal". Lastly get active with someone/something that takes you out of yourself for an hour or two a day - longer if that is possible. An animal shelter or working building Tiny Houses for the homeless with Habitat for Humanity are a couple of suggestions.

Do get in the clipper. Take a 25 to 50 mile trip. Meet with one or two friends for a weekend designated as "not really a rally rally." Baby steps. You don't have to take off for a week or two at this point, just go and do something as simple as seeing a football game or spending a night in a friend's driveway.

Lastly about John Wayne syndrome - it's overrated, no it's bullsh**. You're impatient with yourself because you think you should have pulled yourself up by your bootstraps and gotten on with it. If you had, you'd just be in denial.

I'm sure your wife had a social worker with the hospital where she was treated. Call him/her and ask about finding a survivor's group. I don't care how awkward it feels, that feeling will persist only about 7 minutes into your first meeting.

Take care of yourself, Paula

masseyfarm · 10-27-2014, 03:56 PM

I like your advice more with every post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am working on it now.

Dave

masseyfarm · 10-28-2014, 02:56 PM

Thanks Gene again for those experienced words.

My concern was not so much with the actual legalities as to what her intent was as I thought Heather probably asked for that version of ceremony? I am now aware that this is a common optional phrase used throughout other Wedding Ceremonies. I haven't attended weddings very much over the years as I was always working, so was not familiar with all the option phrases used.

Yes it will be hard to find the right "woman" to hang out with, but from my experience, a month long road trip with one will tell you a lot.

(if she has not abandoned the ship by that time?

)

At this point I am happy to have my old work friends to hang out with for coffee on Wed. and cool ones on Friday evenings.

Photo of Heather taking a picture on the "ICEFIELDS HIGHWAY".

Dave

masseyfarm · 12-19-2014, 08:06 PM

This week I did get my leak on the front cap, pinpointed and repaired on the Clipper, with no damage done. Have had the fan running and dried the front cap insulation up, and have put everything back in place so I can move on out at any moment I feel the desire.

This week I have also made great strides in the settlement of the estates, and I went for that beer tonight to relax.

It's almost Christmas time and the joy of the season is just not here. Over six months have passed and everyone said it would be easier in time.
"WHAT TIME?"

As time passes me by, I find I am living only within my past memories now. Yes, tomorrow keeps bringing new challenges, but it is the past that is the present in my life at this moment. It is hard to analyse, but here is another great George Straight song that pretty much explains how I feel about "My Heather" after another lonely Friday night out with friends, who all get go home with their loves.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMpXgsSu2QI

Foiled Again · 12-19-2014, 11:59 PM

Feeling blank or depressed on the first Christmas is 100% normal. In fact, you'll gradually get better until the 1 year mark, then go through about 2-3 more months of whacked along side the head grief all over again.

At that point you move forward into your new reality.
Just get through this one. Keep breathing. Donate time or gifts to kids with cancer or in a burn ward - it'll help you remember that you're NOT alone.

Also, spend a little time on yourself, putter on the Airstream, or buy a great pair of super comfortable merino wool socks, or maybe a cashmere knit cap that will really keep your ears warm. Just keep on - it does take more than six months. You're on the path. One step at a time.

Paula

64airstream · 12-20-2014, 06:35 AM

Dave,

Once again, Paula is right. We can wish you a Merry Christmas, but recognize it will not be as Merry as you'd want. I repeat, you are NOT alone and you WILL step through this season, one day at a time. You said a while back, that we should each cherish the time we have with each other, and that's a lesson I hope we all practice this holiday season. Thank you for that inspiration.

Best wishes for the holidays,

Roy and Marie

Msmoto · 12-20-2014, 09:38 AM

@masseyfarm

What wonderful suggestions from the folks who love you..... Your thread on Airforums has been helpful to many. Thank you.

And, your own signature says it all:

"Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go." William Feather

There are many who have lost a loved one. We are all with you in our hearts. Believe....

Gene · 12-20-2014, 04:20 PM

Memories last for a while, then one day you notice you haven't been dwelling on them for a while. It takes 6-18 months for most everyone but eventually you'll be ok. Memories will be available, but you'll remember them with fondness and go on. The tenor of your posts has been getting lighter, you are progressing. Only robots don't feel.

Gene