How to give your pet a pill

[ROBERT CROSS]

How to give a pet a pill


Cats


Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for SPCA to come collect this mutant cat from hell and call the local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
Accidentally drop pill on floor. Watch cat pounce on the pill and devour it.


Dogs
Wrap it in bacon.
Toss it in the air.

[sempi2]

Sounds like a been there, done that story. Thanks for my daily chuckle. Susan

[Wayne&Sam]

(I started with one but got an error message saying "The message you have entered is too short. Please lengthen your message to at least 3 characters.")

As I think about it more, it deserves the three .

[Isadora]

Always good for a laugh, seems as if each version is rewritten a bit, funnier than the last.

[Kevin245]

Rates right up there with the "Hey I Think I'll Give The Cat a Bath" idea.

Thanks for the laugh

Kevin

[Mackhopp]

I see what you're up to.

Bring it on.

[2vets]

Too funny, and unfortunately sometimes true! Now they make these soft greenie treats that have a hole in the center where you can hide the pill. Most cats love them and eat them with no problems. However there are some cats out there that would rather die (and take you with them) then ingest a pill.

[Gene]

Thanks Bob. Sounds familiar.

Now could you instruct us how to get cat in a cage to take to vet?

Gene

[cameront120]

This is why I have Labs. They'll eat anything.

[danalee]

Actually went through that today along with 130 dollar vet bill. Love my cats!

[Jim & Susan]

Originally Posted by CrawfordGene

Thanks Bob. Sounds familiar.

Now could you instruct us how to get cat in a cage to take to vet?

Gene

You'll think I'm making this up, but we had a cat once that we had to give a sedative to take her to the Vet. She would freak out around around all of those other animals. First, repeat post one above to get the sedative into the cat, then put cat in cage, then take cat to Vet. This was usually a process that Susan had to handle on her own. I was "normally" at work when the Vet visits came along, thank the Good Lord.

Jim

[Roadtoaster]

We had 2 labs over our more than 30 years of marriage, had to put both down because of old age. Because we want to travel more we now have a damn cat. After reading this, my wife and I laughed until we cried. Now if we can just find the vet's e-mail address......................

[kposey]

A dog travels better than a cat any day! A dog is happy to go anywhere as long as you are there. A cat, on the other hand, doesn't care if you are there, only if THEY want to be there!

[ROBERTSUNRUS]

Hi, I can see this picture in my head. I have never owned a cat, but I have had four dogs. And yes I had to give them pills too. Every dog is different so giving pills will be different.

(1.) With dog standing on all four feet, open his mouth, tilt his head back, drop or put pill in mouth as far back as possible, close his mouth and hold closed with your hand, as you hold his mouth closed with one hand and hold his head tilted back, blow on his nose and rub his throat. Gulp, it's gone. He swallowed it. This was the Vets way to do this.

(2.) If number one doesn't work then try this. Smash pill up and mix with his favorite food. Roll up pieces of sliced cheese and toss them to him; around the third or fourth piece of cheese will have the pill inside of it. Gulp, it's gone.

(3.) Make a game of tossing small pieces of dry dog food like kibels & bits, after about ten or more Kibels & bits, toss a pill. Gulp It's gone.

(4.) Some dogs are very smart and you cannot let them see you handeling the pills, they will not take them no matter what you try.

[Gene]

Ok, putting outdoors cat in cage:

Make appointment with vet.

Have cage somewhere where he doesn't notice it, on a chair with door entry facing up.

Put on gloves to protect against claws.

Close all doors to areas where he may hide (for ex., behind washing machine, under beds).

Invite cat inside with yummy treats (he would like a bird or bunny he can torture, but we don't go that far).

Act normal and have wife pick up cat and pet him until he's purring and eyes are closing.

Open pillow case and have wife drop cat inside and quickly close pillow case.

Attempt to put pillow case in cage and close door.

Call vet and cancel appointment, put cage away and let cat outside when he comes out from behind sofa.

Wait until cats forgets this affront to his dignity. This takes about a year.

Start over.

Gene

[markdoane]

Here is a really useful tip for those of you that are remodeling your bathrooms.

How to christen your new Thetford or Sealand toilet:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo and 1/2 gallon water to the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your trailer or motorhome. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

If you don't have your own cat you can usually borrow one from a neighbor.

Apologies for those who have seen this before. Last posted in May '05.

[Gene]

Originally Posted by markdoane

If you don't have your own cat you can usually borrow one from a neighbor.

I think it's best to use a neighbor's cat, especially if it's a neighbor you don't like.

Gene

[Mackhopp]

Originally Posted by markdoane

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

I came close to snorting out loud at # 4.

Too funny!

[tkasten]

I think you wrote about my wife's cat Jessie. She is a Manx and has a radar early warning system when it comes to pills. ...Tim

[Aviator]

Our Weimaraner likes her pills with a big glob of peanut butter. It is rather entertaining for us as well.