The chili contest
Life is short, so having good humor and good food is
essential, as we wade through it. With that in mind, here's a review of my
favorite chili (a quick and tasty meal), passed on to me by a friend:
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, a
recent visitor to Texas: "Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding
Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no
one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other
two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy,
and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted. Here are the scorecards:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili:
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili:
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure
what I am supposed to taste besides PAIN. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the
beer line. Thank god for the beer!
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili:
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located an active
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the
beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic:
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover:
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my
eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort
of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety:
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I may have soiled myself, not sure, it may be chili. Sally continues to put out my internal flames with cold beer.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili:
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at
the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he
appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pulled
the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with
chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at my
autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let
it in through the hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili:
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence..
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,
neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. FRANK: ------------------
(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable To report)
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