Lying versus Bluntness

[Foiled Again]

Hi, my name is Paula and I'm a grateful recovering A**hole.

I grew up in a home where sarcasm and self-pity were elevated to art forms, and it took me quite a while to actually recognize what tact and kindness were, or that they are usually effective. Even six decades later - I often write a pithy post... then erase and start over because I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that part of ME. However I've also learned that there are a few cases where bluntness is better than tact, and lying is more effective than honesty with gentleness.

Poor poor pitiful me? Well I'm going to get older and older... and only if I'm lucky (or take up bungie jumping )can I absolutely avoid some of the problems associated with that, but I can hold on to my humor and be grateful for kindness every time I receive it. After all, Protagonist just told me to buy diapers as a way to clean up an oil spill, or a sewage problem - so I've got "plausible deniability" ready and waiting when the need arises !

Salesmanship: There are sales courses that advocate never accepting "NO" as the answer, focus solely on the sale, and answer the objection at least six to ten times. This technique works, especially when dealing younger inexperienced buyers... (car dealers in our area go predatory on young sailors - and I'm sure we've all seen a few "sharks" at an RV dealership) I can't stand that technique.

For me, "NO" is followed up by, "I understand this isn't something you want, but do you know someone else who might be interested?" I've also learned how to extricate myself from the grips of the insensitive boor: Just keep it all about the boor: "John, YOUR time IS valuable - and I'm showing you respect by alerting you to MOVE ON to someone who MIGHT buy. I won't."

TERMINATE WITH PREJUDICE
This thread was inspired by two others "would you let someone borrow your Airstream?" and "shortages on Honda 2000 generators". On the latter I recommended calling the company and threatening them with the state's attorney general, the FBI, and the FCC about the problem. Would I really do that? Well? I'm Lazy, and hopeful of an easier resolution, but.... convincing someone that I will followup is at least 50% effective.

My complaint call could contain one small lie "I'm retired and I have the time and writing skills to be a pest" (I'd also sound prepared - I'd Google the NAME of the Attorney General of Illinois, and the station chief at the nearest area FBI office before making the call) - AND I'd ask to speak to a supervisor. Sounding READY to follow up makes it easier to actually do so if threatening them doesn't work.

Lying is a terrible choice when someone wants to borrow your Airstream, bluntness is often the only EFFECTIVE choice. THEY are rude to even ask. Best responses? "What on earth would possess you to think of asking?" isn't bad, neither is "NO. I won't." Objection/negotiation by you as the potential lender? Never! (That's how 15 year olds get pregnant!) Terminate with "NO is a complete sentence." Followed by, "What part of NO didn't you comprehend?" or "NO, frankly you're rude to even ask."

I really like "and I won't lend you my husband either." I'd almost consider marriage just to use that line. Anyone rude enough to ask will NOT be sensitive to the idea that the request is inappropriate. And if they get all huffy when you refuse? If you lose a friend because you aren't a patsy - be relieved! You haven't lost a friend - you've lost a tapeworm.

Invoking a higher power:
Our answering service has on occasion assisted the FBI. We know how to work with them, but sometimes it's just as effective to simply "invoke" them. 99% of our customers are wonderful, but once in a while...Oh boy. We got a new customer who is leasing cars over the internet. After taking 25 calls our staff alerts us that almost all calls are complaints. Quick review? Criminal enterprise. This customer will leave town and use us to get a few day's head start. We CAN turn off the account but we still have a duty to notify the customer we're doing it. My assistant calls and the "gentleman" won't take "NO" for an answer - instead he offers to pay us three times as much (he's corrupt and thinks everyone else will be for enough money.) Next scene: My assistant is flummoxed. I walk into her office, take the phone out of her hand and say the following.

"Mr. X. I own this company - My husband is a retired FBI agent, but they actually never really retire. He still gets all the new wanted lists and photos - just in case, and whenever he hears about a fraud he calls the head of the local office... (Dial tone as Mr. X hangs up). He never cashes the refund check because he did get busted the same afternoon. Not our doing, just a great coincidence.

Total lie about the ex-FBI hubby. I've told it 2 or 3 times in the last 35 years. The first time, the customer came right to the office - and left without even closing the door when I said the key words. I have GOOD customers to CARE for, dog dirt is just something I scrape off of my shoes quickly.

Caught unprepared and flat-footed?
The best reaction? "NO, I don't think I want anything to do with this. If I change my mind I'll let you know."

I confess, I give way to anger too easily, even today. I regret it 99.9% of the time but the best I've come up with so far is to apologize as quickly and humbly as I can without making any excuse for my bad behavior, then tell the truth even when it's almost the same thing minus the anger. When I'm being a little less stiff necked, I can offer "OK, try to confuse me with the facts."

Humor and truth: I really do sometimes pray "Oh Lord, give me patience - and give it to me RIGHT NOW.

In Memorium to the value of charm: From a fondly remembered mentor Bonnie Kennedy who has gone to her reward,

"It is perfectly all right to tell someone to go to Hell, as long as they end up thanking you for the directions.

[Panama Red]

(All of us in unison) Hi Paula!

-Red, glad he came to the meeting...

[joqin]

total honesty, how refreshing and unusual. obviously, you are not a politician, but you have my vote! how I wish I were as brave as you!!
ROCK ON! (from"as time goes by") joe q from frostbite falls

[batman]

Well said, Paula!

-Dennis

[moosetags]

That is much deeper thought than I am accustomed to, but very enlightening.

Brian

[wahoonc]

In Memorium to the value of charm: From a fondly remembered mentor Bonnie Kennedy who has gone to her reward,
"It is perfectly all right to tell someone to go to Hell, as long as they end up thanking you for the directions.

Awesome!

Aaron

[Foiled Again]

Originally Posted by joqin

total honesty, how refreshing and unusual. obviously, you are not a politician, but you have my vote! how I wish I were as brave as you!!
ROCK ON! (from"as time goes by") joe q from frostbite falls

Hey Joqin - I'm not really brave, but somewhere between lazy and learned that yanking off a bandaid hurts less than pulling it slowly and carefully.

Humans are hard wired to resist change. Unfamiliar is dangerous - you can walk down a dark street in your own neighborhood confidently - in a strange neighborhood you'll be uneasy. We don't like confrontation because the result might be unpleasant.

The truth is that living with frustration is also unpleasant. I just try to find a middle path. There are so many great people around - it just makes sense to cut a path through the negative ones so you have more time to enjoy the positive influences on your life.

P

[terryV]

WOW, Paula, now you've got me worried. Is everything OK?

You do know we all love you, don't you.

[garry]

My take away is;

Perception is reality.

[ROBERT CROSS]

......well, I rather enjoy....."pulling it slowly and carefully."

It usually ends rather more better than before it was then....boy that felt good.

Bob

[Landshark]

Originally Posted by ROBERT CROSS

......well, I rather enjoy....."pulling it slowly and carefully."

It usually ends rather more better than before it was then....boy that felt good.

Bob

Is that using the same theory as banging your head on a brick wall because it feels so good when you stop??

I'm with Paula: do it quick and get it over with--less pain for everyone.

Vivian

[ROBERTSUNRUS]

Originally Posted by ROBERT CROSS

......well, I rather enjoy....."pulling it slowly and carefully."

It usually ends rather more better than before it was then....boy that felt good.

Bob

Hi, I think that Paula was talking about bandaids; Other than that, I agree with you.

[ROBERTSUNRUS]

Hi, Paula; Especially in the car business, I practiced this, but a good friend of mine put it into words, that I have also used on this forum.

"You may not like what I have to tell you, but it is the truth."

It might hurt some feelers, at first, but real people respect the truth, even if it's not what they thought it would be.

[xrvr]

Because of my responses to problems at work, usually enhanced by vulgarities and veiled threats, I was told by my boss that I was, crude but effective,. Never got fired from a job so I guess I used just enough humor to mellow the crude but effective part. Enjoyed your post Paula. Peace, a much more mellow, jim

[Protagonist]

I'm well known for my lack of social skills. But I didn't pay attention to the problem until I was passed over for promotion at work because I wasn't a "people person". If I wanted to move up in the organization it was more important to be nice to people than to be a good engineer. Needless to say, I didn't move up. Yet all of the "people people" who got promoted still came to me to solve the problems they lacked the technical expertise to solve on their own. I took perverse pride in the fact that they needed me a lot more than I needed them.

I also enjoyed my job a lot more than they did, if their litany of complaints was any indication. Is being liked more important than being happy?

[paiceman]

Having managed people most of my adult life, I found it interesting to watch and participate in the dynamics of interpersonal relationships. I also found it much more effective to at times just remain on the sidelines and watch so to speak.

Which is probably why I train dogs now, very complex creatures in their simplistic approach to life, but they don't lie, don't cheat, steal sometimes, and are loyal to a fault.

My best to all, rejoice, we are alive, the next second is no guarantee. Treat each person like you will never be able to talk to them again and you will be happier.

Bud

[Protagonist]

Originally Posted by paiceman

My best to all, rejoice, we are alive, the next second is no Asguarantee. Treat each person like you will never be able to talk to them again and you will be happier.

I try to do exactly that. Maybe that's why so many people never want to speak to me again?

[BoldAdventure]

I prefer to not beat around the bush and sugar coat the harsh reality of the world to anyone over the age of 13.

[Lily&Me]

My general rule of thumb is that it's always, always best to tell the truth, and to never, ever lie......but it is okay to sugar coat and re-shape a bit to avoid hurting someone's feelings.

It is a difficult balance, at times, truth vs tact.



Maggie

[xrvr]

Sugar coating and beating around the bush as well as being PC is why we have so many thirty year olds still living at home. Life sucks, it's hard, get out and get a job! Any job, even at the bottom rung. You'll never move up if you keep waiting to start at the top. Peace jim