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Old 03-02-2015, 07:42 AM   #15
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I'm well known for my lack of social skills. But I didn't pay attention to the problem until I was passed over for promotion at work because I wasn't a "people person". If I wanted to move up in the organization it was more important to be nice to people than to be a good engineer. Needless to say, I didn't move up. Yet all of the "people people" who got promoted still came to me to solve the problems they lacked the technical expertise to solve on their own. I took perverse pride in the fact that they needed me a lot more than I needed them.

I also enjoyed my job a lot more than they did, if their litany of complaints was any indication. Is being liked more important than being happy?
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Old 03-02-2015, 08:00 AM   #16
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Having managed people most of my adult life, I found it interesting to watch and participate in the dynamics of interpersonal relationships. I also found it much more effective to at times just remain on the sidelines and watch so to speak.

Which is probably why I train dogs now, very complex creatures in their simplistic approach to life, but they don't lie, don't cheat, steal sometimes, and are loyal to a fault.

My best to all, rejoice, we are alive, the next second is no guarantee. Treat each person like you will never be able to talk to them again and you will be happier.

Bud
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Old 03-02-2015, 08:12 AM   #17
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My best to all, rejoice, we are alive, the next second is no Asguarantee. Treat each person like you will never be able to talk to them again and you will be happier.
I try to do exactly that. Maybe that's why so many people never want to speak to me again?
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Old 03-02-2015, 08:20 AM   #18
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I prefer to not beat around the bush and sugar coat the harsh reality of the world to anyone over the age of 13.
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Old 03-02-2015, 08:32 AM   #19
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My general rule of thumb is that it's always, always best to tell the truth, and to never, ever lie......but it is okay to sugar coat and re-shape a bit to avoid hurting someone's feelings.

It is a difficult balance, at times, truth vs tact.



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Old 03-02-2015, 08:36 AM   #20
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Sugar coating and beating around the bush as well as being PC is why we have so many thirty year olds still living at home. Life sucks, it's hard, get out and get a job! Any job, even at the bottom rung. You'll never move up if you keep waiting to start at the top. Peace jim
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Old 03-02-2015, 08:53 AM   #21
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I will never be accused of being a good little politician/ bureaucrat , but was not speaking of parenting but of others, Jim.

Both of my chldren are very successful, responsible and self sufficient adults, raised by their mother to be that way.


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Old 03-02-2015, 11:12 AM   #22
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Originally Posted by Protagonist View Post
I'm well known for my lack of social skills. But I didn't pay attention to the problem until I was passed over for promotion at work because I wasn't a "people person". If I wanted to move up in the organization it was more important to be nice to people than to be a good engineer. Needless to say, I didn't move up. Yet all of the "people people" who got promoted still came to me to solve the problems they lacked the technical expertise to solve on their own. I took perverse pride in the fact that they needed me a lot more than I needed them.

I also enjoyed my job a lot more than they did, if their litany of complaints was any indication. Is being liked more important than being happy?
This sounds vaguely familiar to me!
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Old 03-02-2015, 11:27 AM   #23
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Tough love doesn't have to be attack love. It's easy to say "you're worthless, useless, a waste of skin... or why can't you ever do anything I want? That is actually LESS bad than the constant message that you're always falling short. It takes years to get over the constant cringe that comes from never being able to do "enough".

Was is Shakespeare who called it "damning with faint praise?"

My mother was one of those people who was "thrifty" to a fault, not only with money but with kind words. I remember both of the ones she said to me.



If the only tool in your toolbox is a hammer, all of your problems start to look like nails. My mother could NOT say something nice if it didn't hurt someone else. Every time she got into my sister's car, mom had to announce how much nicer mine was because it had a helper handle. Of course when she was with me, she'd complain that Karen carried a stool to help her up and down.

I DO the "one day at a time" thing, and practice doing nicer things.
Here are a few guidelines.
  1. no compliment ends with "but" ....Well it's nice that you cleaned the living room, but why didn't you do hall and bath? is a putdown, NOT a compliment.
  2. no apology contains excuses, justifications or blaming the wronged party. It is a sneaky cowardly attack to say "the real problem is that you're just too sensitive. You're making a mountain out of a molehole".
  3. "I was wrong" are three of the most powerful words in the world. No one learns very much until they say them, No one dies because they admit that.
    You can't recognize you need to change until you admit that what you did last time failed spectacularly.

I was wrong - is also a blunt truth. And oddly, it gets you OUT of trouble or even forgiven far more often than otherwise. (Just don't say it to a police officer who MIGHT give you a ticket, "I'm so sorry I just don't understand" works better there.)

Paula
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Old 03-02-2015, 01:25 PM   #24
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My mother could NOT say something nice if it didn't hurt someone else.
Some people just aren't happy until everyone's not happy.
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Old 03-03-2015, 12:18 AM   #25
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"The truth will set you free..."

But, first it will make you miserable.

Maybe providing the truth is just another 'service' we offer?

Another version.. "Tact is the ability to tell someone to 'go to hell' in such a way they look forward to the trip."

For me, well, I have enough trouble keeping the facts straight... so there is no room for BS... but, I have fun... at my own expense usually...
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