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Old 07-01-2003, 08:18 AM   #29
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inkahol

"when i read drinking was bad for you, iquit reading"
Henny Youngman......
"Beer is Gods way of telling that he loves us and wants us to be happy"
Benj. Franklin...
Beer is the reason ugly people have had sex since 3000b.c......
anon.

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The only true nobility is found through giving good food to your friends- Anton Careme

beauty is in the eye of the beerholder-cosmo fishhawk

if something is too good to be true, its usually gone before i get there-mister boffo
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Old 07-04-2003, 03:19 PM   #30
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Cat-Fish...

Hello All...
" HAPPY INDEPENDANCE DAY..."

...I wondered why the cat always sat in the large fish tank, 4the life of me I could'nt figure it out...then thinkin abt it...the only reason I can think of is that the fish freak out an swim around real fast, makin it feel like a JACUZZI...


Norbert...Was'nt Jerry Springer born in ENGLAND....???
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Old 07-04-2003, 05:31 PM   #31
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England swings like a pendulum do....

Chris.....Thats one oon me if true....all i know, is he was a mayor of some hamlet in oh ho ho.....b4 he hit the big time....norby
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Illegitimous noncarborundum(dont let the bastards wear you down)

The only true nobility is found through giving good food to your friends- Anton Careme

beauty is in the eye of the beerholder-cosmo fishhawk

if something is too good to be true, its usually gone before i get there-mister boffo
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Old 07-05-2003, 12:29 PM   #32
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Hello...

HI All....
Went bk 2 the Doc's 2day, ..." ...And how did U find yourself this morning " he said..." Oh I jus ROLLED back the bed clothes, an there I were "..." I got this pain Doc...I got it here, here an here, an on my leg..."...Doc says..." does it hurt EVERYWHERE U poke yourself "..." Yes Doc "..." Mmmm I'm not surprised " he says..." Youve got a BROKEN FINGER...sit down on that chair " he say's...." I can't, my bum hurts I said "...so the Doc xrays my bum..." Goodness me Chris...U got a bunch of ROSES up yr Bum...how did they get there ??? "..." I don't kn " I said..." read the ruddy card "......
I decided to leave the doctors...right after I was thrown out...I felt peckish...so I went 2 the pizza place, ordered a HUGE pizza 2go, with NO-CHEESE...but I DON'T like CHEESE...well it was worth a try...
It's nice 2 b IMPORTANT...but it's important 2 b NICER...Enjoy Yr evening ALL...Chris.....
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Old 07-21-2003, 03:19 PM   #33
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Answers PLEASE........

Hello All. Hope U all o k,
My D/D told me this earlier 2day, an I r still laughing, jus goes 2 prove that LITTLE things please LITTLE minds....
Q. "Why r there 4 D's in Edward Woodward's name...?."

" 'Cos it sounds weird as E-war Woo-war..."

Say Norby...Is'nt a YAM a SWEET POTATO ?...LOL. One things 4 sure, whilst U lot r tellin jokes abt Yr neighbours...Yr leavin us BRITS alone....
MORE PLEASE....chris.....
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Old 07-21-2003, 10:02 PM   #34
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oh...cris..oh..cris...

this hard b.cuz i have to interpolate nad i cant see the last post..
gosh amundo i just rememberde...i jam what i jam iam sorry for what i said but i was just fn' around...oye...popeye... ok...
but i am still havin' fun dont you know
norby...
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Illegitimous noncarborundum(dont let the bastards wear you down)

The only true nobility is found through giving good food to your friends- Anton Careme

beauty is in the eye of the beerholder-cosmo fishhawk

if something is too good to be true, its usually gone before i get there-mister boffo
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Old 07-22-2003, 05:22 AM   #35
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Birthday Surprise

Today is my 53rd birthday & I wasn't feeling too hot this morning.
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant & say "happy birthday" & probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say "good morning," let alone any "happy birthday".

I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember".

The children came in to breakfast & didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low & despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Betty said, "Good

morning boss, happy birthday." And I felt a little better someone had remembered!

Betty knocked on my door later & said, "It's such a beautiful day

outside & it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you & me".

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.

Let's go". We went to lunch in a little private place, had two

martinis a great time.

On the way back to the office, Betty said, "You know, it's such a

beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do

we?" I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment".

After arriving at her apartment, she said, "Boss, if you don't

mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into

something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied.



She went into the bedroom &, in about six minutes, came out

carrying a big birthday cake..... followed by my wife, children & dozens of friends. They were singing "Happy birthday".................




And there I sat, on the couch,....... naked.
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Old 07-22-2003, 11:46 AM   #36
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Hi ALL...

Good evening 2U all...
say Norby...Take NO notice of me...I'm like the Guy who shines a torch into his EAR...but only my beam comes out of my...Well I DON'T have 2 look where my chair is in the DARK, that's 4 sure...
The B/Day surprise is sooooooo funny...I almost spilt my cup of TEA...lol, there ought 2b a WARNING on stuff like that, more PLEASE...Do U Guys jus sit around all day making stories up...if so...U ought 2b on the STAGE..." SWEEPING-UP " LOL...
Tell Ya what...I got 2b nuts, for wanting 2 leave one COLD country, 4another one even COLDER..." BOSTON "...( anyone been there )...?...
Did any of Yr parents/or U say daft things to U/Yr kiddies...My MOM used 2 say a few, think I may bore U with 'em...
If U come home with Yr head under Yr arm, I'll knock Yr block off.
If U fall an break Yr legs...don't come runnin 2 me...
If U spray that stuff in Yr eyes...don't come lookin 4me...
If U get Yr fingers stuck in the electric socket, don't expect me 2 pull U out.
....and also...Don't sit at the plug end of the bath..if it comes out...remember I'm Yr mother...NOT a plumber....
That's All Folks...4 now...Have a lovely evenin...Chris.....
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Old 07-22-2003, 08:22 PM   #37
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THE TRAGIC RESULT OF A MAN NOT LISTENING TO A WOMAN

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of using the restroom. Each time he tried it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested to him to use the ladies room but cautioned him against pressing any of the buttons. The buttons were marked WW, WA, PP and ATR. Making the fateful mistake many men make in disregarding what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and he decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked WW and immediately warm water sprayed over his entire bottom. He thought, golly the gals really have it made. Still curious he pressed the button marked WA, and warm air-dried his bottom quickly. He thought that this was out of this world. The button marked PP yielded a large powder puff that powdered his bottom lightly with powder. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked ATR.

When he woke up in the hospital, he panicked and buzzed the nurse. When she appeared he cried out "What happened? The last thing I remember I was in the ladies room aboard a plane." The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the button marked ATR, which stands for automatic tampon remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
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Old 07-22-2003, 08:36 PM   #38
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Subject: FW: Bad day at Work

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy. He is a Commercial Saturation Diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on your FM dial in Ft Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
Needless to say, she won.

> --------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:
We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my arse started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my arse started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.
In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my arse was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually
grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my arse. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my arse as soon as I got in the chamber.The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poo for two days because my arse was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your backside!
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Old 07-31-2003, 02:26 AM   #39
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Phone Booths...

Hi Guys...
...Say Norbert....U got a thing abt foneboxes...???, well many thousands of years ago, around the mid-'60s, my eldest Brother, used to fool around a great deal, he was STUPID...( an STILL is )...he got wed AGN, ( 4th time...must like the cake or something )...anyhow, he would enter a fonebox, dial the operator, when she would say, " This is the operator on the line, may I help U " my Bro: would reply..." Well get OFF the line...there's a TRAIN coming "...hang up an run...well he did this for ages, every night, BUT, not far away was the police station, it too had a fone, so what the fone Co: did was this, When a call of that nature was made, it was quickly logged from which fone, and the local " BOBBY " would get on his cycle and pop around the back road, an hey presto...Hello, Hello, Hello, Yr nicked...he got a right tellin off...He did'nt do it for ages after that......He MADE me do it instead....
Then on our build up to Guy Faulkes night, lots of kiddies would make a guy, an effigy of their DAD usualy, an we all had our own pitch, usualy outside the local boozers, an catch the drunks rolling out, for a copper or two...well this night the same big Bro:, took me out in his 3 wheeler reliant van, stopped outside the local chippie, on his way out the little chap shouts " penny-for-the-guy-mister ", naturaly my bro: put his hand in his pocket, threw a few WASHERS into the poor lads tin, picked up the GUY, threw it into the back of the van, an took off, muttering that because the Guys head had fallen off, it was'nt worth three washers...now usualy these little lads, like me, had a BIGGER brother...this little fellow had TWO...an they knew where we lived....DARN...I knew the foneboxes were a better game...
I kn ALL the F/Bxs in our area, an early on a saturday morning, I used to cycle to EVERY one, just to PRESS BUTTON " B ", and collect all the un-used coppers, left from the night b4...now bk in '63, two shillings was a LOT of money 4a small child, and thinking abt it, average pocket money 4a 12yr old was abt 9d-1 shilling, I was RICH....lol...
Well that's all 4 now....MEMORIES....it's a good job we don't get TAXED on 'em yet...lmao, so U Guys enjoy Yr day, B-LUCKY, stay safe...Chris.....
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