A Very Different Kind of Life

[Lily&Me]

Thank you, Deb.

I would probably recognize your faces if I saw them.


Maggie

[Gene]

I think when someone dies, there is a process of saying goodbye again and again as we accept the loss. Changing your forum name is part of that. And I'm glad to hear you feel happy again. I'm sure Doug wouldn't want it any other way.

Night driving gets harder for 2 reasons when we get older. One is that our pupils don't contract as fast when someone is coming towards us and our eyes don't adjust quickly to the headlights, so we get blinded for a short time. I notice that happening to me and I try to avert my eyes to the side of the road, but it doesn't help much. The other is cataracts. The lens gets cloudy and we can't see as well at night. Cataract surgery is the most common surgery in the US and it pretty easy though when you look it up and learn how it is done, it doesn't sound so easy for those of us who don't like surgery. Barb had cataracts when she was in her 50's and was very glad to have it done—she went from extremely near sighted to mildly far sighted and only has to use drug store reading glasses to read. You can chose what kind of new lens you want—near sighted, far sighted, adjustable (not sure the last one works all that well). Her night vision is much better. My night vision has always been superior, but I notice a slight difference. I have cataracts, but they hardly affect my vision and I can wait for surgery for many years, I hope.

Gene

[Fly at Night]

Good to hear from you, Maggie.

There is something about baking bread that is very therapeutic.

And...oh, the aroma!

[Lily&Me]

Thanks, Gene.

I do feel it is time to adjust my Forums name, altho am going to keep (formerly doug&maggie) underneath Lily&Me indefinitely. Seems right, feels right.

Now, just need the webminder or whomever the request goes to to make the change. Ahem.

The driving in the dark was quite intimidating. Once I got on the highway, I was fine....getting there thru numerous intersections of varying types was the problem. The lights from other cars were just doing crazy things to my vision. My eye doctor has not seen cataracts, so I have to believe it is just part of the aging process and therefore a concession I need to make.

Quite definitely, doing successfully things we always did together (or Doug did alone) is emotionally strengthening and confidence building. I miss him and think about him constantly, but am feeling pretty good these days and perspective on his death continues to grow. Death is a part of life, is a part of life, is a part of life.

There are still reminders and little bits of him everywhere I turn.

I am putting things away today and mixing ingredients for a loaf of bread, and there in the frig on the bags from the health food store are tiny content/bin# labels with his neat handwriting on them. I feel a need to pull them off and stick them somewhere, to save for posterity. There won't be any more of those.

Lily ran her legs off with other dogs over the weekend, is a pooped pup, and has moved off the couch today only to go potty, eat a bit and drink. Managing her alpha-ness is a work in progress, I am finding. Food, when other dogs are around..... I need to be consciously aware of her any time we are not at home.

Have done the laundry and rugs up today and gotten started on scheduling maintenance for the Interstate and the little house. My to-do list seems quite long, and includes moving some of that mass of firewood into the garage. Building muscle, good for my aging self, I tell myself.

Still sleeping on my side of the bed, at home and in the Interstate, scrunched over at night as if I am just waiting for Doug to come to bed.

I have felt like I need to preserve his spot, a bit of denial methinks, also just in case his spirit self wants to lay down next to me for a bit.

I'm going to work on sleeping in the middle. He's not coming back, spirits need little space, and Lily needs to give over more of the bed to me.

Back to chores.


Maggie

[Lily&Me]

Originally Posted by Fly at Night

Good to hear from you, Maggie.

There is something about baking bread that is very therapeutic.

And...oh, the aroma!

Yes. And, in moderation, guilt free carbs.

Maggie

[DIR1]

nothin' special, just hugs...

[Lily&Me]

Traveling these last couple of months, often without electricity and/or reliable internet, has broken me of the habit of long evenings spent searching online thru the well-articulated words of others for solace, comfort, connection, etc.

I do have, however, pages of copied-and-pasted tidbits saved in the Pages app on my IPad that I read thru at least several times each week. And, which I feel a need to share some of here.

Such good words. I've said it before, and I'll say it again...we are all more alike than we are different.


Maggie


Evenings on the IPad:

The meaning of life is connected, inextricably, to the meaning of death; ...mourning is a romance in reverse, and if you love, you grieve and there are no exceptions....
~ Thomas Lynch, The Undertaking

[Hittenstiehl]

Lily and Maggie

I very much like this last writing you posted. The "mourning is a romance in reverse" struck a chord.

Thank you for continuing to post. I could even imagine compiling the sayings to a E Book in your future. We can all use all the help out there when it's our turn to go through this.

[Lily&Me]

Thank you.

I thought it was a particularly good one, too.

And, there are a few more.


Maggie

[Lily&Me]

Wood for a week or so is stacked in the garage (rain and cold coming), chimney has been cleaned and checked, and Interstate scrubbed clean this morning. Furnace servicing is scheduled. Tires will be rotated in the am and full servicing at Peterbilt will be completed week after next.

I took the Interstate to the car wash, it was that filthy, but still needed to handscrub the remainder of the mass of insect debris off the front when I got home. As I am scrubbing, scrubbing, scrubbing, the Amazing Grace windchimes hanging on the front porch begin to tinkle. Doug is saying "good job, little wifey".

A few things off my to-do list, and I am on top of things.

Grands who live close are gone to a wedding for the weekend, but off school on Monday, so are spending Sunday night with Grandma. I will bake cookies, make them buttermilk pancakes for breakfast, and let them try out the new toasting forks in the woodstove.

Monday morning they will help Grandma fill a wall in the garage with wood. Sweet babies. The word is we are in for another harsh winter. I want to be ready.

Heading for Iowa Wednesday of next week, to visit the cemetery, Doug's Mom (97 in December) and kids/grand in Iowa City. Then....I will winterize for the first time and put the baby to bed til whenever I am able to get out of here after the holidays.

Could be hunkered down for awhile, but right now we are having a beautiful Fall. Trees are turning, air is cool. Leaves falling and lots of raking/hauling to the curb will come later, but the grands will help with that, too.

Right now it is just loveky weather.


Maggie

[carnegie1935]

I am so very proud of you. You carry Doug with you in thought every where you go, just as I carry Roy. I am sure he is close and very proud of you. I am happy to know that you heard from our friend. I miss them so much and wish them health and happiness. I know Doug and your family are so very proud of you. Enjoy those grandkids, they grow up too fast. I now have great greats and looking forward to camping with them and their parents. Kay

[Lily&Me]

7 months ago today.....a day that started like any other. We were in a favorite campground in southeast Georgia, the weather was warm and beautiful, and all was right with the world.

Been a bit teary off and on the past few days. Sweeping the garage to ready for wood, I came across some newspaper Doug had squirreled away as firestarter. Something else he was the last to touch. Putting off season cothing away in the back bedroom yesterday, his obituary photo is looking at me from the wall and his shirts I can't bring myself to part with must be touched and moved.

And, someone over the weekend, who didn't know, asked about my "we-speak", thinking I had a spouse or partner who hadn't yet showed themselves at the rally. That happens sometimes.

When I do "I-speak", it requires a very conscious effort on my part. My preference seems to be to cling to the "we", as it is what rolls most naturally off my tongue......and, I am telling myself that Lily and I are a "we"....but really it is mostly that I just don't want to let go of it.

And, it's okay. I will let go of it when I am ready.

Doug's daughter and I were emailing yesterday about anniversary feelings and emotions. She still has the voice message her Dad left her on March 8th, and listened to it again a couple of days ago. I don't have a recording, but can hear his voice in my head as plainly as if we talked moments ago.

She wears a J. Peterman sweatshirt of his to walk her dog in the mornings, I touch favorite shirts of his. Hoping the son-in-law will claim a few more, the next time they are home, as I just cannot give them to strangers.

She only lived with him the first 4 years of her life, yet misses his remote presence as much as I miss his joined-at-the-hip presence. He was here, in our lives, and now is not.

My daughter, who lost their first baby a couple of weeks back, had a D&C this am, as the medication given her "after" wasn't enough. She has therefore been losing this baby for 2 week+, and is ready for it to be over with.

I'd like to think the soul of that baby decided to spend some time with Grandpa Doug, rather than being born right now. It's a nice thought.

A bit more sad today than on some days, but know I am doing pretty darn well and have been so very fortunate for the context of this dreadful experience.

A cold and rainy day. Will build the first fire in the woodstove and perhaps have a hot whiskey this evening.

Maybe Doug will join me on the couch, in front of the fire, for just a moment.


Maggie

[Lily&Me]

Thank you, Kay. That's very sweet.

Doing the best I can with what I've got to work with, I tell Doug, and asking for his guidance and input any time he feels a need.


Maggie

[Al and Missy]

Maggie,

You have been an inspiration to many on here, I suspect, with your get to it attitude while still looking for Doug (and apparently finding him) in various ways. It is a big change to go on the road and take care of everything yourself and you have handled it incredibly well.

Here's a tip for next spring - sorry it wasn't more timely. To remove bug debris, use a wet Downy dryer sheet. Keep it wet and wipe over the area until clean. You have to wipe some, but it doesn't take much pressure and if fresh, they come right off. I read about this on some car forum, but had forgotten it. When we were at our buddy rally in Cedar Key in May, one of the Airstream Class A owners was using one to clean the front end of his coach and I was reminded of the trick. It leaves a residue, so you have to follow with a regular wash before it dries but it does a much better job of cleaning off the bugs. The fabric softener acts as a lubricant and helps to dissolve the debris.

Hope to see you at another rally next year.

Al

[Lily&Me]

Thanks, Al. I enjoyed meeting you and your lovely wife at Alumalina. The support of many here like the two of you has been very comforting to me.

A Bounce sheet......hmmm. Would always have one of those in the Interstate. I'll try to remember that.

These bugs were pretty crusted and dried.....the Interstate had not been washed since before Alumalina, so had bugs from many states on it. I have an Armor-All, microfiber mitt thing that works pretty well, but still requires elbow grease and I of course had not taken it to the car wash.

Loss and grief are shared human conditions we all experience. The price we pay for love, 'tis true. You just have to go on.


Maggie

[cwf]

Use Bounce r Dollar store type dampen then a drop of Dawn !!!

[Lily&Me]

It's done. It reflects reality.

Looks and feels a little odd, tho.



Maggie

[cwf]

Hey... your name changed!!! For a minute I thought you were talking about the bug removal.... =)

[Lily&Me]

Yep.

I have mixed feelings about it, as it is a separation.....and something I chose, rather than one which was thrust upon me......like widowhood.

I'm not going to change it back, Janet......who, when I said it looked and felt odd, encouraged me to wait quietly for normalcy. A wise woman. That's why she's a moderator.

Seemed like the right thing to do at this point, and still does. Doug never posted on these Forums, and seldom read them....altho sometimes I would quote him ..so it is not like I am taking away or changing his posts or user name.

doug&maggie has always, only, been Maggie posting.....altho Doug's Maggie is who I was for a very long time and Doug&Maggie is on our license plate frame and reflects our joined-at-the-hip retirement life. We liked it that way, most days.

7 months ago on this date, we were in the ICU in Brunswick, Georgia. Both of my kids and Doug's daughter had arrived, and we were hoping he would wake up and say "what the h--l"??


Maggie

[Lily&Me]

Speaking of Lily......she dragged the mostly eaten remains of a rabbit to the back door this afternoon, thinking she would bring it inside and finish it off. I think not. It looked fresh, blood was still red. Had to have been a cat that got into our back yard during the night.

Post-extended trips, I was always glad to get home to my little house and especially my kitchen. That doesn't seem to have changed, as I have cooked something every day this week....including a loaf of wheat and one of rye DO bread in my oven.....sliced up and stashed in the freezer to be consumed at my leisure.

Was really good to be gone, now good to be home.


Maggie