A Very Different Kind of Life

[DIR1]

I sure hope you'll do both!!! I've followed your posts elsewhere and your small spaces thread.... I've enjoyed all of them... and it's encouraging to hear from women, especially older, like me, who are traveling alone and do fine!!! Hugs, gail

[Lily&Me]

The items I ordered from the Red Cross arrived today.

The mouth barrier packet is about the size of......dare I say it....a foil-wrapped condom. On a little key ring.

The CPR kit is about the size, but half the depth, of a package of cigarettes. Contains a pair of gloves and a mouth barrier.

The First Aid and Emergency Preparedness Quick Reference Guide is 8"x4.5" and about 1/2" thick. Excellent. Compact, spiral bound and sturdy.



Maggie

[Lily&Me]

Drinking this morning the last of the Community Coffee we bought toward the untimely end of the last trip.

Yard work is coming along. Feeding plants and trees, raking, clearing debris, tidying up. There is something especially satisfying about completing tasks that give immediate, visual gratification. Son and grands will be here this afternoon to help finish off that woodpile.

My last batch of sugar cookie dough from December has been pulled from the freezer, to be turned into decorated, egg-shaped cookies for my family today. My grands love Grandma's cookies.

Get up, draw strength from those who are gone, and those who love and care about you, do what needs to be done and try your best to carry on with life.

My thoughts have turned often to the young woman at the Caputo event Thursday night. When Theresa started moving about the audience, the people she spoke with were given microphones, a small film crew followed and everything that was happening was then projected onto a theatre screen behind the stage. It allowed everyone in the audience to see and hear all that was going on, and the genuine, emotional responses/reactions of participants.

This young woman was absolutely drowning in grief and despair, and I suspect had been thinking of ending her own life. The death of her fiancé occurred in February, I believe, and she found out just a few weeks ago that she is expecting a child.

She had never heard of Theresa Caputo, and had ended up at this show quite by accident, when someone who knew someone who had tickets and a friend who suddenly couldn't attend.

I wish for her that she find within her the strength she needs, also purpose and meaning to her life so she can pull herself out of this and start to move forward.

She will be in my thoughts.


XO Maggie

[GCinSC2]

Maggie,

Sounds like lots of good things are happening and lots of awareness being generated. Kudos to you.

May I digress slightly please. We were so looking forward to a DO lesson and a taste of Maggie's bread. We made this last night in the backyard it's an Italian herb simple loaf paired to a DO seafood boil.

Gary

[Lily&Me]

Looks yummy, Gary!

We'll DO in September. I know how to do Doug's part, as well as my own.


Maggie

[Lily&Me]

We hauled wood, hauled wood and hauled more wood yesterday.

Grandsons tore into it with Gorilla Cart, with breaks for cookies and drinks, of course. Not yet done, will finish this afternoon after dinner has settled. I am good for firewood for 2-3 years. All at one time.

Have lots of odd pieces that will be good for campfires, only.....hope Moraine View will be conducive to fires this year.

All of a sudden, Spring is here. Am going to finish raking the edges and flower beds, and get the Preen down, this morning as rains are due here later this week. My lily of the valley that I planted last year have not yet popped up. Hope they survived the deep freeze, as I was looking forward to them.

My sweet son looks around for things that need fixed, tightened, adjusted, etc., and takes care of them or makes plans to do them. Such a good guy, so fortunate that they are just a mile away. They have been over at least once every weekend since I have been home, just to "chore" with me in one way or another.

The first major holiday without Doug....it will be a year of "firsts" my sister says, who lost a husband to cancer when she was just 32 and had three small children. Will cook all the usual Easter things, and imagine him with his plate saying "scrumptious"! He does not help clear and put away, nor do dishes, in his imaginary self, tho.

Doing pretty well here. Have a good day, folks.


Maggie

[Gene]

And I changed the oil in the truck today, so a good day here too. Not good as long as your firewood, but 5,000 miles is ok. Glad to see how well you are doing. A family get together is always a good thing if you have a family like yours and not one of those families we see in the movies where therapists need to be standing by.

Gene

[Lily&Me]

We have dysfunction in our family, too, just like most everyone else you talk to. It's always such a relief to normalize the pathology, listening to others talk about their families.

Not with my kids, tho. They are wonderful, responsible, loving adults, and I am very proud of them. Hardly a perfect parent, clearly I did some things well. It's my siblings that stress me out.

Have had a lovely day, dishes are done and the crew just left. Lily is exhausted, having not had a moment's rest in the last 5 hours. Too afraid she will miss a dropped morsel or some equally important goings-on.

We are all acutely aware of Doug's absence. He is gone. Forever. Emma, almost 7, is having the hardest time of the grands, as Grandpa was her favorite. After dinner on Sundays, she would join him in his chair in "the back room". They would watch football, she would read poetry to him from his books, he would read her favorite story books to her, etc. She misses him, and says so.

Emma is one of those beautiful little girls whose feet hardly touched the ground the first few years of her life. Someone was always holding her, loving on her and telling her how sweet she was. She was Grandpa's girl when she was here, still insisting that he pick her up and hold her a bit, and now she is just one of the kids. She gets plenty of attention, but it's not the same.

My new shed from Home Depot is going up on Wednesday. It is 8'x14', about half of which is designated as a "fort" for the kids, who are in the "fort" and "hideout" stage.

We are going to celebrate the new shed on Saturday with their first overnite here since Grandpa has been gone. Being Grandma means having the kids here for overnites, going to the park and having fun. We will cook outside Saturday evening, the boys will spend the nite in their "fort", and Grandma will make pancakes Sunday morning. It's those Grandparent things we do. Grandpa just won't be here with us.

I tell them Grandpa would want us to go on, to do fun things together and remember things we did with him. They nod their heads. They are looking forward to the camping trip in late July. Madeline Island. A ferry to an island with a campground. Big stuff for them. They are uncomplaining helpers, so it is eminently doable.

My life has completely changed. I am minus my soulmate and a household of 1, but still have much to be thankful for. I need to remind myself of that every day.

Right? Right.


Maggie

[strshpntrprz]

You are not doing ok--- you are doing GREAT and I am very glad to read about it, for I am not sure I could do so good. When WE heard the word cancer it REALLY sent me in a tailspin and a funk for as long as the OK took to come. The thought of coming home to an empty house just was toooo much. Many nights I am home much before Sharol is and it spooks me yet. BEST TO YOU Gene

[Lily&Me]

Have I mentioned this pile of wood I've been working on??? 8 heaping Gorilla Carts full this morning, to the stack area. A couple of more days, and it will be done. The end is in sight. What a job this has been.

Cleaned out the Interstate's tool bag today, too. Doug was not the highly organized, OCD'ish member of this team.....that would be me. Probably 100 or more nails and screws of varying sizes.....loose in the bottom of the bag. Now in screw-top plastics, so I can see what I have. 3 needle-nosed pliers, as he never could find one when he needed it. A mental inventory made of what is in there, should I need things.

Also tackled two of his small junk drawers. That was really hard, and made me cry. There's a reason why I have not wanted to do some things. He saved everything. Photos of his kids from grade school, of us when we were dating, his ID's from work, Dilbert cartoons he had on his bulletin board at work, the receipt from our marriage license in 1992, a matchbook from the hotel we stayed at on our honeymoon in NOLA, ticket stubs, receipts and brochures from places we have been, etc., etc....and these are not all. There are more.

Talked to his 96 year old Mom briefly today. We will meet at the cemetery on Memorial Day, and I will take the Interstate back to her place to spend the night behind her old farmhouse. His headstone may be in place by then. Similar color granite to that of his parents next to him, with a Claddagh on it.

Sad today, immersed in his things. There will be those days.


Maggie

[Gene]

Save those screws, Maggie. Odd screws come in handy when something comes loose and you can't find the screw (it usually falls behind something or rolls out from behind something a week later). Nails in an Airstream, not so much. I have the same problem and I also have a wife who puts everything in folders and boxes and bags. At least she's organized. Needle nose pliers are great to have and I'm always having trouble finding one when I need it.

Gene

[Lily&Me]

I saved them all, but now they're in containers where I can see them and find them if I need one.

I don't want to throw anything out that he has touched.


Maggie

[GCinSC2]

Maggie,

That's a lot of wood, got a neighbor youngster to haul it? Save you're back for better things.

Can't never have too much hardware, I got lots at home, trick is finding the darn thingamajig when you need it.

Gary

[Lily&Me]

I've had a lot of help with the wood...if's just a LOT of wood.

It will be done soon.


Maggie

[BeachHouse]

Maggie -- we look forward to meeting you face to face more and more!

My partner once inadvertently advised a friend who was facing grief -- "you never get over it --you just get used to it". More profound and true words I've never heard!

You are doing so well --my Momma tried so hard to be a good sport --but Dad was the love of her life --they were married for 47 years and it was a very good match --it took 15 months for her to get into a "thinking ahead, thinking positive frame of mind". She finally turned the corner but she was not out of line. I talked with her every day during that time. I still do.

So I say, give yourself whatever time you need. No schedule, no requirements. For myself I'll say I'm a good soldier --I can walk through the fire and take care of heartache and business and my family --but the time comes --unexpected --the emotional breakdown --gotta go through it --get it done. Move on somehow. I know you are trying so hard to move on. It takes as longs it takes. You will find your place but there is no hurry. Always. Hugs.

[Gene]

Maggie, I envy you your wood. We've had wood stoves for 25 years. I used to buy it but when we bought 37 acres with lots of forest I cut down trees, cut up trees, carried them inside, kept the fire going and had to clean up tons of ashes over the years. Barb helped a lot with all that. All that work was worth a real wood fire and since it was always piñon, it smelled good too.

But I am almost free. We bought a house with a propane fired fireplace. Looks fake, but warms the tootsies on a cold night. No mess, no fuss, no chain saw sharpening.

But, I still envy your wood….

Gene

[Lily&Me]

I am one to get up and do whatever it is that needs to be done, that is just who I am. No puddles or heaps, no matter what is going on.

I sometimes think I carry the spirit of the widowed 5th great grandmother who came down the river with the family and all their possessions, on the flatboats from Tennessee to Mississippi over 200 years ago. Helped the family carve a life out of what was then the wilderness of southern Mississippi. She was a force and lies in the oldest marked grave in Mississippi.

Whatever the crisis or trauma, you just keep getting up, put one foot ahead of the other and take care of business, trusting that if you do your part things will eventually sort themselves out. I believe that in my core, and it has been the mantra I have stepped to more than once. Just whining about it a bit.

Things do always sort themselves out, every time, if you do your part. I'm trusting that this will be true once again. Just missing my husband intensely and crying a bit over the minutia of his physical life that he has been squirreling away for decades.

Doug and I have my kids, his kids, and our grandchildren. I can't leave everything of his for our respective children to deal with once I am gone someday, too, because his things need to go to his children and in a reasonable time frame.

They need to have the kerosene lamp Doug's parents set up housekeeping with, the walnut table lamp Doug's stepfather made, the silver dollars received as birthday presents from his grandmother, the ashtray he used when he smoked cigarettes on the back porch after mowing his grandmother's yard, his small christmas stocking that his mother hand-stitched his name onto, and whatever else I find and have here. There are at least a dozen pocket knives of varying sizes and values. (I'm keeping that tiny one he used to give me to cut yarn) Mine will have some mementos, too.

And so, if it seems early, I do feel I have to start. As executor of his estate, it is also my responsibility to Doug. His kids have been great and are not pushing me, but do want his things around them to remember him by, too.

I'll get it done. More wood hauling and yard work today, Lily going to doggie day care to run her little legs of with like minded pups. Such a sweet girl.

Finish the coffee, get to the chores. Thanks for listening.

XO Maggie

[bwoodtx]

Maggie,

Your spirit is amazing! And never fear, there is ALWAYS an ear on the forums for you or a shoulder should you need it. Do not be afraid to lean on your extended family. If you ever get down to see Red & Nancy again, give us a holler as well.

[Lily&Me]

I think Red & Nancy may come to Alumalina in September....she mentioned it. Feel free to join us, but get your reservations in because this rally fills up fast.

A great group of people there...WBCCI, Forums and a few SOB's....run by fearless leader Big John....aka Sandlapper here. You would like them. Get Red & Nancy to come and have a little caravan up.

I finished the wood. I would take a picture to show you, but it would post upside down. About 8 face cords. I hauled across the yard and stacked a good 1/2 of that myself. Go Gorilla Cart! Doug would say "don't feel sorry for me, I feel sorry enough for myself". Not really. It has been a tiring and arduous task, and I've whined about it, but it was very satisfying in the long run. I will be stronger for not having Doug here to do all the guy stuff....although I would have him back in a heartbeat if that were an option.

Gene, I envision going to a pellet stove someday. Neater, cleaner and easier to manage. But not just yet. Love, love, love this wood stove. We enjoyed nothing more than sitting with our coffee in front of the fire in the mornings. Watch the flames, smell the woodfire.....mmmmmmmm.

It will be cool enough this weekend that I will pull the chiminea out onto the patio and we will burn up some of the small bits. The kids will want to roast marshmallows.

I am going to pull out Doug's deep fat fryer, fill it with fresh oil and fry fish. It's what they want. I have never used that fryer, but it seems pretty straightforward to me. Let it heat, fry the fish, let it cool before you put it away. I can do that.

Whacking away at my to-do list, feeling pretty good today about my more independent self who can do my work as well as Doug's......well, most of Doug's. He is smiling at me, nodding his head in approval, I am sure.

Not going to sort his things at all today....going to ride on my high of self-sufficiency and save mild depression for another day.

Time for some hot tea and to put my feet up for awhile.


Maggie

[Lily&Me]

Seeded the front and side yards this morning and painted the house trim.

Rain is due here tonight and tomorrow, then most of next week. Will pick up more seed on Friday and get that down in the back. I hate to water the yard, seems so wasteful. Like to see the rain do its job.

We are on a slab, so easy to just walk around with the brush and paint can. Doug and I had promised each other that we could and would totter around in here, taking care of each other, til the end of our days. All on one floor, no steps or obstacles for fragile oldies. We could stay right here, in our lovely, small home, instead of downsizing or going into assisted living. Wasn't meant to be.

Will work on inside things these rainy days. Needs to be done. Going to grit my teeth and dig in.

Not much in the way of news. Doing okay.

XO Maggie