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Old 04-07-2014, 07:07 PM   #113
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Ok Maggie,
What are you drinking?
I'm looking for the name of a good white wine. I usually drink Kendal Jackson...something.
Since you mentioned wine, I thought, perhaps this thread could make a short little detour; a little suggestion to me without getting too far from the original intent of 'a very different way of life'.
Any wine recommendations?
Mockinbrd
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Old 04-07-2014, 07:21 PM   #114
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Detours are good....we used to call them "adventures".

I am a glass at a time girl, and only a glass or two a week.

I am especially partial to the Copa Di Vino, wine by the glass product from Oregon. Reds, whites, zinfandels, Moscato. Oregon wine, packaged and distributed there, and very good, IMO.

A 7 oz glass, pretty good sized. Doug and I would usually share it. Now I drink it all.

I prefer Riesling and White Zinfandel, occasionally Moscato......or Proseco, my favorite.


Maggie
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Old 04-08-2014, 06:08 AM   #115
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Originally Posted by TinCrumpet View Post
Maggie


Here is a small sum of my flowers..a fraction of personal presents over the years from Hx1 Hx2 and treats to mineself..Such a sorry shame I'm still not quite well enough after this dratted scarlet fever to find and mess about with even more ..
the pretty show would have been much longer..

My favourite flowers are narcissi and Lilies..to me they are the most wonderful for their prettyness and scent..a miracle to behold no less..In fact I recently captured these birthday flowers in March to keep forever ...I hope you enjoy the view and give some thought 12 months from now on a trip over the seas..
we would take jolly good care of you ..

Love Lili Lettice Leatherby [TC] Hx1 Hx2 & Jelly


Thank you for taking the time to do this.

Doug would be saying "too much girl stuff", with the flowered sheets I put on the bed the other day. I actually wouldn't have done it if he were here.

Wait til he sees the coffee mugs that will be here tomorrow.


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Old 04-09-2014, 06:09 AM   #116
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A very busy day yesterday, medical things for me, estate things, etc., but it's all starting to pull together, bit by bit. Picked up a pocket organizer thingy for estate stuff and bills....can't stand the piles of paper. Doug liked piles of papers, and notes written on little scraps. They're everywhere.

The ants found a new place to gather, requiring a return visit from American Pest Control....at no charge. Good folks, and local...I like them. Dratted little ant critters. I do think we have them about eradicated.....but for this new hiding spot, now treated. They are most unhappy.

Our wonderful Edward Jones financial advisor, Josh Hardt, has been a trusted friend to us for almost 20 years. Never steered us in the wrong direction, not once, and was instrumental in getting us to the early retirement place in 2007.

Three trips to his office in the past week, meeting with him, asking questions, signing things, taking care of this and that.

Josh is one of those rather rare and highly evolved people, with a fully functioning moral compass, who we trust completely. A rock through this, and very accessible, as he has been thru other life events, we are grateful every day that he is in our life.

After running all day yesterday, am staying home today.....supposed to be 69 and sunny.....to wash windows and do some outside tidying up, perhaps clean and vacuum the Interstate, which has not been touched since I've been home on the 14th. It's time. I will be the one to crawl on the floor to vacuum the dust, sand and dog hair from the under-areas...something Doug always did, as he had better knees than mine.

Also staying home because there are deliveries due today....the Blue Apron gift from Mockknbrd, my rose cups/mugs, and a sun-brella to use this weekend whenI go to watch Doug's son play rugby in St. Louis. He invited me, I'm going.

Have an invite to camp the end of this month, but am just not ready for that. Also need to dewinterize again and get a bead of caulk put around things on the roof. Moraine View is my target first-time-out-without-Doug. Many people I know there, it will be very comfortable.

Had an email from FaithWorks yesterday, thanking us again for the Memorials to Doug donations coming in, and advising they are sending a printout with names and addresses of donors. Those out there who have been hiding will now receive a personal thank you from me.

The credit union also printed a check to FaithWorks out of the Memorial Account yesterday which will go out today, for all but the $25 needed to keep the account open. Going to let it sit open a bit, in case there is more, as I am still getting sympathy cards from family and friends far away.

Lily is sleeping at the foot of my bed every night. Starts out in her own, ends up in mine. She must wait til I'm in deep sleep, as I never feel her, just find her there when I wake up.

Such a sweet baby.

Thanks to you all for the support and love.

XO Maggie
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Old 04-10-2014, 05:06 PM   #117
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Well, I got the windows washed yesterday and the front porch scrubbed and rinsed. Nice to look out thru clean windows. Doug always did the outside, I did the inside.

Cooked a spectacular salmon dinner last night from Mockinbrd's Blue Apron gift to me.

Thought I would put off cleaning the Interstate til today....still haven't done it. Doug is everywhere I look and he was stricken in the Interstate, sitting next to me on the rear bench. We did CPR on him in there.

If it isn't something of his when I open a drawer or closet, it is something where I say to myself "the last person to touch this was Doug", "Doug bought this" or "I bought this for Doug". There are two oranges in the fruit basket that we bought in Georgia day before he was stricken. Can't eat them, can't throw them out.

I have a ring of "mystery keys". I have no idea what they are for or what locks they fit. He was such a pack rat, some might be from old apartments or houses he lived in, or his dorm room from college. He got real pleasure from old things that reminded him of old times and the old days. He would pull something out, show it to me and say "this is from.......". I dare not throw them out, ever.

Did find on this ring the key to the padlock on the storage unit, but can't really look for anything in there til my son can help me because it is packed floor to ceiling with boxes, furniture, etc, I know, because I went out there this afternoon. A couple of things I really need to find, but they will have to wait a little bit longer.

Doing okay, overall. Tears stay very close to the surface most of the time. He's been gone 4 weeks. Still seems very unreal.

XO Maggie
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Old 04-11-2014, 12:12 PM   #118
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Clean windows!!! Yes!! maybe I should do that too!!!... a start on spring... if the sun comes out, that is...ahahaha... H&L, gail
Or I could change the Avatar to something sunny??
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Old 04-11-2014, 12:24 PM   #119
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Maggie, grief comes in waves. Sometimes you think it's getting better, then the next wave hits when you least expect it and it feels like it's getting worse.

I promise you this - over time the waves will hit but the tide does go out. You won't feel like the worst is over until one day it will hit you that it HAS been better for several weeks or even several months.

Even today if you had to choose between never having met Doug and hence never having to feel this pain, you'd choose the man, the love, and the good memories even knowing that the loss would happen. In time just the good memories will remain.

Paula
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Old 04-11-2014, 12:25 PM   #120
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Originally Posted by doug&maggie View Post
Tears stay very close to the surface most of the time. He's been gone 4 weeks. Still seems very unreal.
I got some advice 15 years ago from an ICU Nurse who was caring for my wife during her struggle with a rare blood disease, and subsequent hemoragic stroke. She told me to take several deep cleansing breathes in through the nose and. Out through the mouth whenever I felt stressed and overwhelmed.

I have taken thousands of them while caring for my wife, and they really help with the tension in your stomach...I recommend them for all of us

Regards,

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Old 04-11-2014, 01:02 PM   #121
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Maggie, I thoroughly agree with Paula, as this happened when my mother passed. I could be sitting visiting with someone and all of a sudden the tears would come. But as she also said, those times become less and less frequent.

Also, I'd like to thank Reganzo for the tip on deep breathing, I am planning to have this become a "norm" for me when stressed. I'm sorry to hear about your dear wife and give you "hugs" for being there for her, it takes a very special man to do that.

Deb
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Old 04-11-2014, 01:47 PM   #122
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Thank you, all.

The deep breathing for stress reduction is a great technique, also works when done for 10 minutes or so in helping with sleep.

I get to tearing around sometimes, distractedly busy with the little house, laundry or whatever, then suddenly it hits me.... "Doug is gone....forever!" I just can't fathom his permanent absence. Birthdays, holidays, family things....he will not be here.

I think my reluctance to eat the oranges, finish the Triscuits or bottle of club soda he opened, etc., is that those things he touched are then gone forever. If I don't finish them, he's still kind of here. I hate it.

When I am doing something he always did, or we did together, I will say "This is me, Doug, washing the outside windows/doing the dusting/vacuuming/taking out the garbage/making the bed, etc." I can envision him smiling at me and nodding his head in approval.

I may become one of those widows that wear their spouses jackets, to have the smell of him near them. I picked up his shave soap this morning and sniffed it. He would put his cheek next to mine and say "Did I get a good shave?"

I would never choose to not have had Doug in my life. I have a lot of wonderful memories and I know I am a better person because of our relationship. He was a really good man and I really, really miss him. Such a strange, singular life.

My kids have been great. Talk with one or both of them at least once every day. Spend tomorrow and Sunday with the step-son at rugby, have my Red Cross class Monday and then hear Theresa Caputo speak Tuesday evening.

Weepy today, but have cleaned the house and run some errands. My neighbor climbed up on the roof and tacked down a couple of loose tiles. I have good, long-term neighbors, who have offered any help I need......and mean it.

I am determined to do what I can by myself, as that is the right thing to do. Just because Doug always pounded the nails, tightened the screws, etc., doesn't mean I can't do it. I have his electric screwdriver! I can do anything!

Enough moping and whining. We had planned on having a sturdy outdoor shed put in the back yard this spring, and I am finishing up the final order on that with Home Depot. The garage is overrun. It's time.

XO Maggie
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Old 04-11-2014, 02:07 PM   #123
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Hello Maggie;
Though Doug may not be with you in body, he will always be with you in spirit.
My dad died in 1980, Dana's dad in 86, her mother in 03 and my mother in 13. Till this day, they still come to visit us, especially our dads. About the same time at night we smell cigarette smoke; both of our dads smoked.
As for Lillie, she will become VERY protective of you. Dad had a dog and we could play and pet him, but DON'T touch dad. This even went for mom. After dad died, the dog became equally protective of mom.
You will survive and life goes on.
See you in Moraineview
Mike & Dana
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Old 04-11-2014, 02:16 PM   #124
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Thanks.

Looking forward to Moraine View, hope I don't cry throughout it.

I know I will survive this......I am surviving, just whining about it.


Maggie
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Old 04-11-2014, 04:27 PM   #125
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If you cry, we all cry, that's the way it us. Peace, jim
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Old 04-13-2014, 01:02 PM   #126
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Once again I have been ignoring the Forum for more than a week or more, so I just got to this thread. I've been wondering how you are doing Maggie, so this morning I looked for you and am glad you have continued your updates.

I don't think you're whining Maggie, just being normal. Sadness is very much a part of the journey and as Paula said, it becomes less over time until you notice you haven't cried for a while. The memories will remain. Sadness is not whining.

There are so many little things to take care of and they help keep your mind off the sadness for a while and that's ok. If we felt all the grief at once, we couldn't stand it, so it is proper that it takes a while to fully be expressed.

My father probably died from arrhythmia too, whole sleeping. He had triple bypass surgery in the spring and the docs talked about a pacemaker, but never did it. He was doing great, but 6 months after surgery he was dead. Better way to go than suffering from some disease for months or years. Everyone in his family died of heart disease, but I seem to have my mother's heart. It's pumping away normally the docs say (of course, they always say you could die at any moment regardless of whatever test that did, such a kind thought). The night my father died I woke up to vivid dreams of him. In the morning I got the phone call he had died. It was my birthday. He was a very critical man and my first thought was he did this on purpose to screw up my birthday. I got over that quickly because I knew people often get angry when someone dies, made arrangements to fly to Florida and we were on a plane that afternoon. I have no idea whether he contacted me from 2,000 miles away as his heart stopped—I am skeptical about such things. I am at peace either way of seeing that. When I got to Florida I could lose myself in making arrangements—much easier than dealing with my mother who as usual made simple things difficult. Fortunately she was so spaced out by his death that she didn't screw up things too much and I found I knew what to do even though I wasn't so sure I did. And Barb was, like your family and friends, a great help, mostly at taking care of my mother and keeping her from making things much more difficult than they had to be. Not as bad a situation as the one Protagonist had, but also a contrast with the love and support you are receiving. However awful the situation, we get through it. 19 years later I still think of him. I miss his intelligence and mostly forget his critical nature. He tried his best and though he came up short as a father, he was still my father and I loved him. I have more of a problem with my mother's memory—she was very self centered and lasted almost 5 more years, making people unhappy. I try to see the good side of her, not an easy chore. You are very fortunate to have had such a loving and helpful partner—that makes the grief more poignant, more existential, but far better than my painful memories of difficult parents. My parents were very loving to each other and were a perfect fit for each other, if not for me—I try to follow their example of marriage with Barb, so something good comes of my memories of them.

I'm glad to see you are so well organized and that makes it easier to go through all the details. Barb is like you and I expect she will survive me. She'll figure it out and I try to keep her informed of everything I do so she can figure it out those things faster. And she can and does tow the trailer and hitch it up. The only thing she refuses to do is back it up, telling me she'll figure it out if she has to. It isn't that easy to figure out, so I'm still trying to get her to back it up (in a very large area, of course). I never succeed, so I guess she'll figure it out. She's very smart.

We all have strengths we never imagined we had and it takes something like this to find out all the things you can do you never though you could. This is not a experience anyone wants, but one most of have to face at some time in our lives. For the most part, people find they can do it and eventually the grief subsides. In the meantime, I have no problem with you expressing your sadness. Your genuineness comes through everything you write and I appreciate your honesty and strength. Keep it up girl—you are so cool.

Gene
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