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Old 03-25-2014, 03:11 PM   #29
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''Put on big girl panties''...I thought all women wore the pants of the house. Occasionally mine lets me wear her ''capris'.' I'm glad that you own a dog... Lily, or is it the other way around? She'll be instramental in your different life. Take care Gregg
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Old 03-26-2014, 05:58 AM   #30
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Well, yesterday afternoon I picked up my crocheting and watched Rachel Ray, a favorite activity when we were home....I crochet, Rachel cooks..... I learn a few things, and enjoy watching her. I needed a break from house things.

Deep into the mindless crocheting of my dishcloth, into my head pops "the Long Island Medium", who Doug and I have seen several times on tv and both felt she seemed to be the real deal. I immediately looked up her tour schedule.....she is going to be right here in Bloomington-Normal on April 17th. Barely a month after Doug has died so suddenly.

Not a coincidence, I say, and quickly buy a ticket to hear her speak. Am telling myself I can't expect that Doug will communicate directly to me thru her....out of how ever many hundreds or thousands of people will be there....but it may be he knows it will comfort me to hear her talk of afterlife, how the spirits of our loved ones stay close and sometimes contact us.

I want to know what that will look like, to know what to watch for, to experience the peace and gratitude of knowing he is okay but still near me. I very much felt that right after he died, may have been so busy since I have been home that I am not as tuned in. He would want me to know that he is here, and to be comforted by his presence.

It may be the crazy behavior of the bereaved, but i'm going to go.

Going to sit down with thank you notes today, get the car serviced tomorrow and hopefully take death certificates to the Social Security Administration and financial advisor Friday, and mail one to the pension person at the State of Illinois.

Someone, probably Doug's mother, who is a wealthy woman but a child of the Great Depression, and won't spend a dime she doesn't absolutely have to, anonymously paid a large chunk of the funeral expenses directly to the funeral home.

Have you any idea what even a simple funeral costs these days??? What do people do who have no life insurance?? Not that we carried much, as the idea was never to be a wealthy widow/widower, but it is something.

If I had died first, Doug would have gotten off easy, and had money left to go find a new woman in style, as I will be cremated. My children will spread my ashes on his grave, along with the gallons of dried rose petals I have saved since we were first dating. I was putting things away yesterday, and thinking "no more roses from my Douger, not for birthdays, anniversaries, just because, etc.," and no more little love notes written on scraps of paper he cut from paper tablecloths in restaurants. I have a pile of those from over the years.

Anyway, a thank you to the funeral home to send on to the anonymous donor. Very much appreciated, it helped keep me from dipping into other things.

Have Doug's headstone ordered, a Claddough on it, in rose-colored granite to coordinate with the stone of his parents that he is buried next to. With any luck, it will be in and set by Memorial Day, when we family are going to meet at the cemetery. Thinking I will drive the Interstate up there, and Lily & I will stay a night or two with him.

Have the grand-dog thru today, then he will go home with his family tonight when they return from Chicago. Will be just my sweet Lily and me.

This is a long one. Thanks for listening.


Maggie
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Old 03-26-2014, 06:48 AM   #31
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Always glad to listen, Maggie. Be well.
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Old 03-26-2014, 07:19 AM   #32
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Both my wife and I received visits from our respected fathers shortly after they died. It was a spiritual, almost physical, experience that helped each of us to be more comfortable with the situation. Things went much better for each of us after this, knowing we were being looked after. Hope this was not out of line. Just trying to help. Peace, jim
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Old 03-26-2014, 07:32 AM   #33
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My mom had to deal with my dad's death back in December. I was amazed by the number of things she had to take care of to get it all done right, from canceling his cell phone service to getting all of the utilities changed over to her name, to getting his name removed from the bank accounts, to collecting insurance and selling his truck, stopping his retirement pay and switching over to collecting survivor's benefits. She just finished her last-ever tax return as "married filing jointly."

Luckily for her, she wasn't grieving at the time she took care of all that stuff; for the past umpteen years, she actually could barely stand to be in the same room with him and they stayed together only because that's what married couples were expected to do. It was easier for her to take care of everything because she was glad he's gone.

I arrived at their/her house the day before the funeral, stayed until the day after, and then came back to work. But before I left, she had already wiped out any trace he had ever lived in that house. Literally everything done (except the tax returns), in less than a week after his death.

Compared to that, I much prefer to read about folks like you who are actually having to cope with the death of their spouse, the way couples should be when one of them passes. That kind of experience is at least comprehensible, unlike my mom's bitter glee in my dad's passing.
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Old 03-26-2014, 07:37 AM   #34
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Not out of line at all, Jim.

I think there is plenty of evidence that the spirit lives on after the body has died. I certainly felt Doug was with me in the ER when he had flatlined, then his heartbeat suddenly resumed, on that long drive home, thru the planning of his funeral, helping me help his children, etc.

I don't feel now that he has left me, just want to know more about his afterlife and how I will know when he is near. We both liked and respected Theresa Caputo, don't think it was an accident that she popped into my head and then I found out she is speaking here in just a few weeks.

I want to be open to feeling his presence and taking comfort from it. Talked to my daughter about it last night, she was all for it. Such a fine girl.

I will try not to obsess on this.


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Old 03-26-2014, 07:47 AM   #35
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Originally Posted by Protagonist View Post
My mom had to deal with my dad's death back in December. I was amazed by the number of things she had to take care of to get it all done right, from canceling his cell phone service to getting all of the utilities changed over to her name, to getting his name removed from the bank accounts, to collecting insurance and selling his truck, stopping his retirement pay and switching over to collecting survivor's benefits. She just finished her last-ever tax return as "married filing jointly."

Luckily for her, she wasn't grieving at the time she took care of all that stuff; for the past umpteen years, she actually could barely stand to be in the same room with him and they stayed together only because that's what married couples were expected to do. It was easier for her to take care of everything because she was glad he's gone.

I arrived at their/her house the day before the funeral, stayed until the day after, and then came back to work. But before I left, she had already wiped out any trace he had ever lived in that house. Literally everything done (except the tax returns), in less than a week after his death.

Compared to that, I much prefer to read about folks like you who are actually having to cope with the death of their spouse, the way couples should be when one of them passes. That kind of experience is at least comprehensible, unlike my mom's bitter glee in my dad's passing.
Wow, that is really, really sad, Protag. What a difficult and unhappy way to live your life. Must have been terrible for you to watch, as well. We were very fortunate to have each other, knew that and spoke of it every day,

I have already decided to keep the back bedroom, his man-cave, pretty much as he left it. Will eventually deal with clothing and items of value for the children, but am going to leave his books, items on the wall, etc., right where they are. Going to hang the picture we had out for his funeral on the wall back there, where I can see it every time I go by.

I want to be able to go back there, see and feel him, and have the grandchildren do the same. The rest of his things can go on to his kids when I am gone. I have talked to them about that, and they have no problem with it.

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Old 03-26-2014, 08:02 AM   #36
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I have already decided to keep the back bedroom, his man-cave, pretty much as he left it. Will eventually deal with clothing and items of value for the children, but am going to leave his books, items on the wall, etc., right where they are. Going to hang the picture we had out for his funeral on the wall back there, where I can see it every time I go by.
I didn't write that to elicit sympathy; but rather to provide a contrast. What you're going though is normal, and that's a good thing even if it doesn't always seem so.

But maybe the lesson to take away is, don't forget the minor stuff like canceling Doug's cell phone service.
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Old 03-26-2014, 08:06 AM   #37
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I didn't write that to elicit sympathy; but rather to provide a contrast. What you're going though is normal, and that's a good thing even if it doesn't always seem so.

But maybe the lesson to take away is, don't forget the minor stuff like canceling Doug's cell phone service.
I won't. My to-do lists have to-do lists.


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Old 03-26-2014, 09:26 AM   #38
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Chris and I have both had experiences: Chris saw his father and nephew shortly after they died. I'm an RN and have worked in nursing homes for many many years, some on night shifts. I can tell stories! I haven't seen anything for the most part, but have felt and heard. I try to keep an open mind.

Kay
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Old 03-27-2014, 06:33 AM   #39
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Wrote all thank you's to date yesterday, do have a list of donors directly to FaithWorks that is on its way to me. Looking forward to seeing what they will be able to do with the memorial donations. People have been very generous.

Off to get the car serviced this morning, and a quick trip to WalMart. Have a loaf of wheat/oatmeal bread for the DO setting, to bake when I get back. It's time.

I saw a picture a month or so ago of artisan bread baked in one of those double dutch oven/griddle combos, the dough placed on the griddle part with the inverted DO as the lid. ?? Tried to copy the picture to post, but it just wouldn't. Loved it, had to have it. Doug just shook his head and smiled, I have a lot of cast iron.

I had ordered it online and it had arrived at my son's when I got home. Thinking I will like putting the bread onto the hot, shallow griddle better than into the deep DO. Have burned my arm more than once, although the parchment paper as lifter/placer helps a great deal. We'll see.

Got lots of wood in and vacuumed our little house thoroughly yesterday. Trying to get in a routine of incorporating the things he always did with what I always do. Still haven't dusted, just don't want to do it....Doug always did it. I always hated dusting, too, one of those things my kids did when they were at home, then Doug took over. I'm resisting, but it's starting to look pretty nasty.

Just checkin' in. Doin' okay, all things considered.


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Old 03-27-2014, 08:06 AM   #40
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WOW! It will be VERY interesting to go and see Theresa Caputo. I have always thought that she seemed so genuine, and this from a dyed-in-wool-sceptic, lol.
Much support to you on this end. We are still all here on this journey with you.
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Old 03-27-2014, 08:17 AM   #41
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We will be making a few fleece quilts to send to House of Hope. I think I have. Showed you pictures before, but I will get one put up when I get to my computer.
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Old 03-27-2014, 09:17 AM   #42
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This is a sample of one of our Scripture blankets. These are made mostly for people going through chemo but we do make a lot of them for other reasons.

When we can, we like to customize them as much as possible with things like favorite colors/scriptures.

I looked on the Faithworks website and the house is used a lot for people going through chemo so I think they might like to have a few of these there for them to use. These have been very much appreciated because chemo treatment makes you cold. We have been making these now for 3 to 4 years and are getting close to 100!

Most of the blocks here are embroidered but each quilt has a few that have something done by hand. The hand ones are usually either blanket stitch applique for 3d fleece flowers, both of which are very easy to do.
We could also incorporate some small crochet, like a small heart.
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