A Very Different Kind of Life

[Gene]

Maggie,

After Barb had her tooth out last week, she was told not to sneeze or blow her nose for a week. We're really glad allergy season wasn't in full swing. She did forget twice and did blow her nose then got mad at herself. And she got Vicodin and antibiotics too. I don't know why people think Vicodin is so great—never did anything for me and it didn't seem to be much stronger than ibuprofen.

The stitches usually dissolve in about a week and by then the gum should be closed up. The soreness can last longer, but feels better and better.

Battery—if the vacuum wasn't on, it shouldn't drain the battery. Not driving will let it run down, but when you drove to the rally, it should have charged fully. Even a new battery can have a bad cell, and it certainly can be low on water. My guess is either a light was left on or it needs water.

Gene

[Lily&Me]

Hmmmm.

The vacuum was "on" in the sense that it was charging.

I'll have it checked.

Thanks,


Maggie

[Gene]

I would think the vacuum battery is a lot smaller than the Interstate battery* and unless the Interstate was way run down or bad, it wouldn't be discharged by the vacuum battery. Driving to the rally should have fully charged the Interstate battery. But I'm just guessing and the problem may well be the vacuum—which would be nice since it has been solved and nothing has to be tested or bought.

Gene

*Though "Interstate" is the name of a battery company, I mean the battery in the Interstate van.

[Lily&Me]

Our Interstate also has an Interstate battery.

I am not sure what pulled the battery down. The only draw on it during those three days was the 12volt converter thingy with the vacuum plugged into it. The MiFi was plugged in there, too.

It actually isn't a 12volt vacuum, but a hand vacuum plugged into the 12volt thingy thru the converter.

I don't know. It seems to be okay now, I will keep a watch on it,


Maggie

[Lily&Me]

The engine in the Interstate is still starting without a problem. Whatever caused the drain on the battery no longer seems to be doing so.

I have finalized the sales of an antique, Ithaca rifle, and Doug's custom Colt, his most prized, inanimate object. Hating to sell the latter, on the one hand, my son's thought was that Doug would want this in the hands of someone who would appreciate it, shoot it and enjoy it. He was absolutely right. That has been taken care of, as my police detective son-in-law takes delivery later this week.

As estate issues are winding down, this has been an unwanted learning experience for me and one of a different sort for Doug's youngest child. Extremely bright, high-functioning, over-achiever type, her mother and father's personalities are/were much different, much more laid-back, than that of this step-mother.

Although Doug has three children, this youngest walks point for most things, talking with her brothers, then acting as spokesperson for the sib group. Dealing with me on all things, some difficult things, rather than primarily her Dad as she did before, we are thrust into a totally new relationship, during a very difficult time for us both, that has been an adjustment. I took more of a back seat when Doug was alive, as he did with my children.

I am the forward-spoken type, needing to address and resolve issues, prone to impatience, needing structure and order and rather driven to get things done. Her own parents....not so much, either of them. My children and I have very good, open relationships, forged over their lifetimes. This is a new experience, a different relationship than we have had in the past, and we don't, instinctively, "get" each other.

On the one hand, as Doug's wife, who better to be executor of his estate and responsible for resolving end of life issues/dealing with expenses, sorting out what is his, mine and ours. Having 5 children between us, and none together, all things do not stay with me, to be dealt with only when I die. Those were the terms of our wills and require some decisions as executor that I would not otherwise want to make as his widow.

On the other hand, being executor is a position of authority, one where I want and prefer that his children be on board with things but can make decisions independently if required. I talk with Doug, listen for those gut feelings that will lead me in the directions I believe he would want, and then deal with what I need to deal with.

A work in progress, we are working at it as we work estate things out, and are developing a better understanding of each other in the process.


On another note, our near-perfect spring and summer rainfall levels have allowed me to have the most beautiful yard we have had in years. All that grass seed has sprouted, the lawn is lush and full and green. A happy yard, happy flowers and happy shrubs.

Being home most of 3 1/2 months, for the first time in nearly 7 years, I am able to look out onto expanses of greens, pinks of all shades , purple, yellows, etc. It is a comfort to me.

The Amazing Grace windchimes are so enjoyable. I told the grands, when they were here overnight on Saturday, that I had asked Grandpa to send a soft breeze to those chimes, to let me know he is near, and they liked that.

They touch the chimes gently every time they go by, prompting a tinkle that I'm sure reminds them of their Grandpa Doug.

A busy week, a busy weekend, then looking forward to some time out in the Interstate.


Maggie

[GAStreamin]

Maggie,
Thank you for sharing. It must be so difficult on both you and your step daughter. Having 3 half sisters, I can imagine it will be difficult at my father's death. Your personality sounds so much like mine and my husband is the more laid back one. I also used to work for the State. I was a child abuse investigator before "retiring" to raise my own children. Thank you for the info on the wind chimes. I am going to remember to give those. I wish you well.

[nsbcpa]

As a CPA/CFP your situation is quite common. I would guess with five children involved that at any point in time someone is going to feel that they are being treated unfairly.

Just remember that Doug's wishes were probably that you be provided for first and that he trusted your judgment that the children would be treated fairly when that time came.

[Lily&Me]

Originally Posted by GAStreamin

Maggie,
Thank you for sharing. It must be so difficult on both you and your step daughter. Having 3 half sisters, I can imagine it will be difficult at my father's death. Your personality sounds so much like mine and my husband is the more laid back one. I also used to work for the State. I was a child abuse investigator before "retiring" to raise my own children. Thank you for the info on the wind chimes. I am going to remember to give those. I wish you well.

Wow! What a coincidence.

As a child welfare caseworker, being able to be driven when needed was a good thing. I could stay problem and task focused much better than your average bear, regardless of what was going on around me. The stories I could tell.

My children are, of course, used to their mom. My steps, not as much, as they were somewhat shielded when their dad was alive.

This hasn't been difficult, but the process has had its' difficult moments.

We will get thru it, and thank you.


Maggie

[Lily&Me]

Originally Posted by nsbcpa

As a CPA/CFP your situation is quite common. I would guess with five children involved that at any point in time someone is going to feel that they are being treated unfairly.

Just remember that Doug's wishes were probably that you be provided for first and that he trusted your judgment that the children would be treated fairly when that time came.

You sound familiar with the child welfare system, as well.

Doug would want me to be provided for, and did that, as well as providing specifically for each of his children and grandchildren, so that I would not have to make those decisions. We also gave each other the authority to settle/resolve our estates/end of life expenses however that was needed.

I am selling only enough to deal with those expenses that were not otherwise provided for, have done nothing quickly, without thought or without talking with and giving opportunity for input from Doug.

Many days, I make a slight shift in whatever, that I feel certain are Doug's wishes coming thru to me. Joined at the hip for so many years, and closer to each other than we ever were to anyone else, I am certain he will let me know what he wants, and I have promised him that I will listen and act accordingly.

I don't believe anyone feels treated unfairly, as there hasn't been a hint of that. Also, Doug specified who got what, in writing, which is pretty difficult to take substantive issue with.

It is the final decision-making re other things resting with me that is difficult at times. As with taking Doug off life support, I want their input, but ultimately the decisions rest with me. Fortunately, with that, we all knew what he would have wanted, and what he would have spoken aloud if he could.

We did our wills 17 years before his death, had not looked at them since nor at what the cost of the simple funeral he wished would be. Without going into the specifics, trust that even simple funerals are ridiculously expensive. If he had known, he would have provided for it. Minus that, I can and will make the decisions needed to meet these expenses.

If you folks have wills you haven't looked at in years, my advice to you is to pull them out and give them a good look.

If there can be an upside, that Doug was Medicare eligible a month before his death has reduced medical bills to practically nothing, between that and our health insurance. Thank goodness for that.

Doing a load of laundry, that soft scent of homemade laundry detergent permeates my little house.


Maggie

[GAStreamin]

My mother in law is in ICU right now. She lives nearby so we are taking shifts. She was on life support and we felt burdened the last few days with the decisions we had to make. Thankfully, she made the turn and was taken off the ventilator Saturday. She still needs help breathing but she is doing better. She only has one lung so it has been quite serious.

I make the same laundry detergent. I use Zote instead of Fels Neptha because we have a septic tank and it is not good for that. Love love my homemade laundry detergent. I also make other cleaning supplies.

Have you been camping since all this happened? Any future plans? You may have answered it previously. Sorry to ask again. We have an Airstream travel trailer, but my husband can't go on trips for too long or too far away due to owning and operating a small business. I would like to take the children and have considered a small motorhome like the Interstate. I feel comfortable driving travel trailer etc but the continuous hooking and unhooking as well as caring for 3 kids would wear me out.

I don't talk much about my job before. I have stories I could tell too. 😳. We might have to share if our paths cross. Many things are quite unsettling.

[Lily&Me]

Originally Posted by GAStreamin

My mother in law is in ICU right now. She lives nearby so we are taking shifts. She was on life support and we felt burdened the last few days with the decisions we had to make. Thankfully, she made the turn and was taken off the ventilator Saturday. She still needs help breathing but she is doing better. She only has one lung so it has been quite serious.

i am so sorry to hear that! Such a difficult time for you and your family.

I make the same laundry detergent. I use Zote instead of Fels Neptha because we have a septic tank and it is not good for that. Love love my homemade laundry detergent. I also make other cleaning supplies.

Have you been camping since all this happened? Any future plans? You may have answered it previously. Sorry to ask again. We have an Airstream travel trailer, but my husband can't go on trips for too long or too far away due to owning and operating a small business. I would like to take the children and have considered a small motorhome like the Interstate. I feel comfortable driving travel trailer etc but the continuous hooking and unhooking as well as caring for 3 kids would wear me out.

I took the Interstate to Iowa for 5 days over Memorial Day weekend, which was my first time out since returning home March 15th. It was a healing experience.

Also went to the Moraine View rally last weekend, which would have been the 6th consecutive year for us, and I enjoyed very much being there, with those people.

The Interstate is great for travel with children, as you can deal with meals and all needs within that self-contained unit. Have taken the grands many times, and they love it.

I don't talk much about my job before. I have stories I could tell too. ��. We might have to share if our paths cross. Many things are quite unsettling.

Yep. We'll do that, if we get a chance.

Take care, wishing strength to you and yours, and hope that your mother-in-law is back on her feet soon.

Maggie

[Lily&Me]

Another treasure I found online................evenings on the IPad.

as i sit in heaven and watch you every day
i try and let you know with signs, i never went away.
i hear you when you're laughing, and watch you as you sleep
i even place my arms around you to calm you as you weep.
i see you wish the days away, begging to have me home
so i try to send you signs so you know you're not alone.
don't feel guilty that you have life that was denied to me
heaven is truly beautiful, just you wait and see.
so live your life, laugh again, enjoy yourself, be free
then i'll know with every breath you take
you'll be taking one for me.


Maggie

[Gene]

Wrapping up the estate can be troubling. Sometimes it brings out the worst in people.

Sounds like you are leading the process in a good way.

Gene

[Lily&Me]

I believe I am.

I am certainly doing my very best.

In hindsight, having an executor outside the immediate family would have been a good thing to consider.

I have consulted with and received advice from a good attorney, and this step-daughter who has a law degree knows that and, from her own education, that I am proceeding properly.

Still, it blurs roles a bit, and is something I could have allowed someone else to do....I think.

He doesn't have an estate of any means, tho, so wouldn't want to have to pay someone a fee.


Maggie

[Photobum]

Maggie,

You appear to be handling this process very well. Keep on....

Try the teabags???

V

[Lily&Me]

I am trying, thank you.

Seriously, there would be advantages to having a non-family member be executor of a will.

I have not tried the teabags, have not had any real discomfort or need for meds since that first night.

I do appreciate the suggestion and will keep it in mind, tho.


Maggie

[Photobum]

I used it for my wisdom teeth. It worked, I went to see John Denver the night I had them removed.

[Lily&Me]

I used to love John Denver.


Maggie

[Photobum]

His was a loss...but he left behind some wonderful music...

It appears that Doug did the same.

Keep writing...

V

[Air Cruiser]

Hi Maggie.

I read your thread faithfully, I just normally don't post replies. I feel a need to check in to make certain you are doing well, and it sounds as tho you have that covered.

I am wondering, tho, if you, after having gone through all of this, have any suggestions for the rest of us, that you wish you and Doug would have done to make all of this a little easier? I just read about the possibility of an outside executor, but, do you have a little list? Not meaning to have you spend a lot of time on this, just off the top of your head, any suggestions?

GASstreamin -- We have a septic tank too, what is "Zote", and where do you buy it? Also, do you use the exact formula that Maggie does, with the exception of Zote instead of Fels Naptha?

Thanks to both of you.

Deb