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Old 05-02-2014, 07:37 PM   #239
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You can take everything that you know in your mind has to come out of the Interstate out, and place it in a box or basket. When your heart agrees the stuff needs to come out, then you will have it all in one place for easy sorting.
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Old 05-03-2014, 02:36 PM   #240
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The Interstate is cleaner and more tidy. Still needs a bit of work done, which can wait til tomorrow.

I decided to forego tea for a glass of wine. Wine and I and IPad are having a rest on the patio.

The first time back in there has got to be the hardest. Found a few more things of his in one of the overhead bins, right where he left them. Didn't cry, but close. If I had one more moment with him, I would give him the biggest hug he ever had. So quick, he was just gone.

Son and I got the gate/hardware installed on the new stretch of fence. Only took us probably 3 times as long as someone experienced in such matters, but what the hell....it's up, it's sturdy, it's done. One of the posts is not quite straight. I don't care.

Our good friends at Peterbilt in Bloomington are going to go over the roof with caulk for me Monday morning. I really don't belong on any roof, any time. They have been such a capable, trusted resource for routine maintenance.

I need to dewinterize, another first, then will be ready for whatever. Going to go to Iowa for Memorial Day, and visit Doug's mom. His stone will be in place, the kids and grands will come. We'll sit with him and maybe have a picnic, like folks did years ago.

That will probably be the first trip out by myself, but may do a weekend sometime this month, someplace we have been and enjoyed. Just to be close to him and get back into it. We'll see.

Hope everyone is having good weather and a lovely weekend.


Maggie
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Old 05-03-2014, 07:21 PM   #241
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thank you Maggie for the good weather wishes... we're in Astoria Oregon on the coast...rainy, but that seems normal here...we did have several days of hot, for us, weather and I totally enjoyed it being from California originally.... we're taking our Bvan out next weekend first time this year... and it really needs a good cleaning too.... thinking of you often... Hugs, gail
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Old 05-04-2014, 07:14 AM   #242
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Thank you, Gail.

Experienced a profound low/sense of loss yesterday, after working in the Interstate a bit, but it has lifted some this morning. Over the counter sleep aid helped, I'm sure.

I found myself awake in the night a couple of times recently, thinking "what if ants have gotten into the Interstate!.....I haven't even wiped out the refrigerator!!". I needed to get out there and take a look around. No ants, thank goodness, nor other live things.

I have instinctively wanted to avoid anything that will take me right back to us....which is almost everything in my life, truthfully.....but especially sorting thru his things, handling his/my favorite shirts, the Interstate, cooking foods which were favorites of his, etc, but one by one I am doing them. Some things because I have to and others because I want to.

Hung the sheets on the line yesterday. He would have done that, and taken them down....we would have made the bed together, him climbing over and into in the small space by the wall.

After yard work and laundry on such a day, he would have grilled us something yummy and we would have had a drink and dinner on the patio. I picked up Chinese. Haven't grilled yet. Another day.

He would like the new shed, and the de-cluttering of the garage which has begun. I always felt the garage was primarily his domain, but I am starting to organize things a bit so that I can find them. We badly needed the shed, and it is lovely.

Will buy and lay down cedar mulch today, a Spring ritual of ours. Love the smell of cedar, and the mulch permeates the house with that fragrance every time it rains. I have my Gorilla Cart to haul those awkward, heavy bags around with.

Going to be another lovely day here. Making one of our favorite Tex-Mex dishes for dinner tonight. He would have a beer.

Thanks for listening.


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Old 05-05-2014, 12:36 PM   #243
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Many hugs to you. Think of you often.
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Old 05-05-2014, 01:39 PM   #244
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Thank you, Mockinbrd.

Got the mulch down and a few other outside things done in yesterday's beautiful weather. Hauling those bags, emptying and spreading left me tired, so had some tea and watched a couple of hours of "Downton Abbey" in the afternoon. Am almost caught up to when we started watching this show regularly.

Took the Interstate to Peterbuilt for roof caulking this morning....such great folks there. Discovered they have a full service body shop, and arranged for them to do a little tidying up of the exterior, at much better rates than the body shop we frequent with the vehicles and have been going to for years.....where they have to take things off to paint because the Interstate won't fit in their bays.

Found it sad but rather comforting to be in there this morning. Doug's being permeates every inch of that rig. He loved that Interstate, and treasured our time spent in it. It was such a gift. I think spending some time in there will be good for my healing, in the long run.

Received an updated list of donors to Faithworks on Saturday. It has been hard to get full names and addresses from them, and I suspect they have a volunteer getting this from their accountant and typing it up.

At any rate, a handful of folks on this last list, some of whom I know are Forums folks, who just got thank you notes sent out today. I've now got everyone, as far as I know.

Hope Spring has sprung for everyone. It is beautiful here.....the lovely weather before stifling Midwest heat and humidity.


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Old 05-06-2014, 12:02 PM   #245
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Have realized that, along with being a Widow, I am also Single Grandparent.

Have begun the usual series of the grandchildren's spring concerts, school programs, dance recitals, etc., which we always attended together.....watching attentively, clapping, cheering and enthusiastically greeting/congratulating the young'uns afterwards.

Now, it's just me, and I mentally smack myself for feeling a bit sorry for myself. I can't help it, I do feel a bit sorry for myself. I liked being Doug's wife....we were a matched pair he always said. I am now Single Grandparent, driving myself, attending alone and without his hand holding mine as we walk thru the parking lot. I am doing it, tho, without sobbing in a corner. I just notice it so fiercely, and it makes me sad.

Lily is playing with like-minded dogs today, as it is Tuesday, her usual day, and I had a routine Doctor's appointment. Received some really good news...it's time for some of that....my fasting blood sugar was 99. Normal for the first time in many years, as it has hovered in that pre-diabetes zone.

My cholesterol was also normal.....also for the first time in many years. Likely the change in diet in Widow-hood....not as much meat or carbohydrates as meat-and-carb-loving hubby required. Last visit to the doctor the NP I saw suggested doubling my Omega-3 supplement, to twice daily, which also probably helped some.

My Doctor is very happy, although sad for me for the loss of my life partner. He prescribed Trazadone for my chronic sleep issues, which he said is very safe and not habit forming. I'll take it. Hope it helps. I've tried a couple of the natural remedies, which do nothing for me.

Puttering around today. Bought frames for some prints Doug had bought but not got to framing. They will go in his man-cave, where we can visit with and remember him.

His funeral photograph is on the wall back there, also one of the church at Grace Hill.

Starting to read some of the other threads....


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Old 05-06-2014, 12:08 PM   #246
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Just popping in to say "Hi Maggie." Still thinking about you, and still reading your posts to see how you're doing.
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Old 05-06-2014, 12:55 PM   #247
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Thank you.

I'm doing pretty well, I think. Approaching the 2 month anniversary of Doug's death, and glad some of those early tasks are behind me.

I talked with Doug, as I lay awake in the night....I have done that alot. I told him I believe his soul survived the death of his body, but I could stand more frequent signs that he is near, as I really need and would take comfort from that.

I told him I would look and listen for signs. So, I'm looking at numbers, street signs, pictures, everything, this morning, thinking "Doug, are you there?"

Nothing, til I'm in Hobby Lobby this morning and the hymn "I Come to the Garden Alone" plays on the piped in music.

This was Doug's Dad's favorite hymn, which he used to sing to Doug and his sister when they were small. I don't think Doug remembered this, because he never mentioned it to me. His Dad died the day before Doug's fourth birthday, so his memories of his father are just a few.

Doug's sister remembered it tho, and offered this title as one to be sung at the funeral. It was sung, a cappella, and beautifully. Made me happy for him.

And so, that was my sign...don'tcha think? I asked for a sign, and it appeared. That's how I choose to look at it. It makes me feel good.

More, tho, Doug...I need more signs.

I will look for them.


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Old 05-06-2014, 05:10 PM   #248
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HI Maggie! I am so impressed with your willingness to keep sharing what's going on with you. Think it's good for all of us....and so much of what you post is reminiscent of feelings I had when I lost my wife. Trust me. It does get easier. Really, it does. And, I was so reminded of that over the past week at the Region 3 rally in Asheville! There is just something so awesome about our Airstream family! I hung with the SC folks (up in the "high rent" area....or so we called it). Just a great, great group of people. Susan, John....and of course, Melinda always keeps it interesting! Soon, you'll be back into being with our big family and we will welcome you with open arms. BTW, I had a nice letter from the Faithworks folks! Hug to you.... from me, Rhoda and Nola! Barry
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Old 05-06-2014, 05:20 PM   #249
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Thank you, Barry. It will be good to see all of you.

I get a lot of encouragement to keep sharing, so I do. Feels a bit narcissistic, but that is probably functional right now. I figure someone will tell me if it's time to shut up and go away, also think I will know and feel when it is time to do so.

Faithworks tells me they have sent letters of acknowledgment to all donors, but I feel something handwritten from me is also necessary. Just the right thing to do.

My son just called to tell me they would like to take me out to brunch on Mother's Day. Isn't that sweet? Mama always cooks and does most all of it, so this will be nice. I can stand to be taken care of a bit.

Been a good day today. After two days of running around, going to stay home and tend to a few things here tomorrow.

Take care, all....thanks for listening and for your support,

XO Maggie
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Old 05-06-2014, 09:19 PM   #250
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Hi Maggie... and thanks again for sharing with us... I agree about the signs... they are there, you'll find them...Hugs, gail
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Old 05-07-2014, 02:25 AM   #251
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We think of you often in our prayers and your journey has been very instructive. Unfortunately, unless there is a joint calamity, every couple has this experience in their future.

You are doing well and it will get easier over time.
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Old 05-07-2014, 05:33 AM   #252
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Thank you, all.

Slept pretty well last night.

A good thing.


Maggie
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