A Very Different Kind of Life

[DIR1]

thank you Maggie for the good weather wishes... we're in Astoria Oregon on the coast...rainy, but that seems normal here...we did have several days of hot, for us, weather and I totally enjoyed it being from California originally.... we're taking our Bvan out next weekend first time this year... and it really needs a good cleaning too.... thinking of you often... Hugs, gail

[Lily&Me]

Thank you, Gail.

Experienced a profound low/sense of loss yesterday, after working in the Interstate a bit, but it has lifted some this morning. Over the counter sleep aid helped, I'm sure.

I found myself awake in the night a couple of times recently, thinking "what if ants have gotten into the Interstate!.....I haven't even wiped out the refrigerator!!". I needed to get out there and take a look around. No ants, thank goodness, nor other live things.

I have instinctively wanted to avoid anything that will take me right back to us....which is almost everything in my life, truthfully.....but especially sorting thru his things, handling his/my favorite shirts, the Interstate, cooking foods which were favorites of his, etc, but one by one I am doing them. Some things because I have to and others because I want to.

Hung the sheets on the line yesterday. He would have done that, and taken them down....we would have made the bed together, him climbing over and into in the small space by the wall.

After yard work and laundry on such a day, he would have grilled us something yummy and we would have had a drink and dinner on the patio. I picked up Chinese. Haven't grilled yet. Another day.

He would like the new shed, and the de-cluttering of the garage which has begun. I always felt the garage was primarily his domain, but I am starting to organize things a bit so that I can find them. We badly needed the shed, and it is lovely.

Will buy and lay down cedar mulch today, a Spring ritual of ours. Love the smell of cedar, and the mulch permeates the house with that fragrance every time it rains. I have my Gorilla Cart to haul those awkward, heavy bags around with.

Going to be another lovely day here. Making one of our favorite Tex-Mex dishes for dinner tonight. He would have a beer.

Thanks for listening.


Maggie

[Mockinbrd]

Many hugs to you. Think of you often.
Mockinbrd

[Lily&Me]

Thank you, Mockinbrd.

Got the mulch down and a few other outside things done in yesterday's beautiful weather. Hauling those bags, emptying and spreading left me tired, so had some tea and watched a couple of hours of "Downton Abbey" in the afternoon. Am almost caught up to when we started watching this show regularly.

Took the Interstate to Peterbuilt for roof caulking this morning....such great folks there. Discovered they have a full service body shop, and arranged for them to do a little tidying up of the exterior, at much better rates than the body shop we frequent with the vehicles and have been going to for years.....where they have to take things off to paint because the Interstate won't fit in their bays.

Found it sad but rather comforting to be in there this morning. Doug's being permeates every inch of that rig. He loved that Interstate, and treasured our time spent in it. It was such a gift. I think spending some time in there will be good for my healing, in the long run.

Received an updated list of donors to Faithworks on Saturday. It has been hard to get full names and addresses from them, and I suspect they have a volunteer getting this from their accountant and typing it up.

At any rate, a handful of folks on this last list, some of whom I know are Forums folks, who just got thank you notes sent out today. I've now got everyone, as far as I know.

Hope Spring has sprung for everyone. It is beautiful here.....the lovely weather before stifling Midwest heat and humidity.


Maggie

[Lily&Me]

Have realized that, along with being a Widow, I am also Single Grandparent.

Have begun the usual series of the grandchildren's spring concerts, school programs, dance recitals, etc., which we always attended together.....watching attentively, clapping, cheering and enthusiastically greeting/congratulating the young'uns afterwards.

Now, it's just me, and I mentally smack myself for feeling a bit sorry for myself. I can't help it, I do feel a bit sorry for myself. I liked being Doug's wife....we were a matched pair he always said. I am now Single Grandparent, driving myself, attending alone and without his hand holding mine as we walk thru the parking lot. I am doing it, tho, without sobbing in a corner. I just notice it so fiercely, and it makes me sad.

Lily is playing with like-minded dogs today, as it is Tuesday, her usual day, and I had a routine Doctor's appointment. Received some really good news...it's time for some of that....my fasting blood sugar was 99. Normal for the first time in many years, as it has hovered in that pre-diabetes zone.

My cholesterol was also normal.....also for the first time in many years. Likely the change in diet in Widow-hood....not as much meat or carbohydrates as meat-and-carb-loving hubby required. Last visit to the doctor the NP I saw suggested doubling my Omega-3 supplement, to twice daily, which also probably helped some.

My Doctor is very happy, although sad for me for the loss of my life partner. He prescribed Trazadone for my chronic sleep issues, which he said is very safe and not habit forming. I'll take it. Hope it helps. I've tried a couple of the natural remedies, which do nothing for me.

Puttering around today. Bought frames for some prints Doug had bought but not got to framing. They will go in his man-cave, where we can visit with and remember him.

His funeral photograph is on the wall back there, also one of the church at Grace Hill.

Starting to read some of the other threads....


Maggie

[weirdstuff]

Just popping in to say "Hi Maggie." Still thinking about you, and still reading your posts to see how you're doing.

[Lily&Me]

Thank you.

I'm doing pretty well, I think. Approaching the 2 month anniversary of Doug's death, and glad some of those early tasks are behind me.

I talked with Doug, as I lay awake in the night....I have done that alot. I told him I believe his soul survived the death of his body, but I could stand more frequent signs that he is near, as I really need and would take comfort from that.

I told him I would look and listen for signs. So, I'm looking at numbers, street signs, pictures, everything, this morning, thinking "Doug, are you there?"

Nothing, til I'm in Hobby Lobby this morning and the hymn "I Come to the Garden Alone" plays on the piped in music.

This was Doug's Dad's favorite hymn, which he used to sing to Doug and his sister when they were small. I don't think Doug remembered this, because he never mentioned it to me. His Dad died the day before Doug's fourth birthday, so his memories of his father are just a few.

Doug's sister remembered it tho, and offered this title as one to be sung at the funeral. It was sung, a cappella, and beautifully. Made me happy for him.

And so, that was my sign...don'tcha think? I asked for a sign, and it appeared. That's how I choose to look at it. It makes me feel good.

More, tho, Doug...I need more signs.

I will look for them.


Maggie

[BAB]

HI Maggie! I am so impressed with your willingness to keep sharing what's going on with you. Think it's good for all of us....and so much of what you post is reminiscent of feelings I had when I lost my wife. Trust me. It does get easier. Really, it does. And, I was so reminded of that over the past week at the Region 3 rally in Asheville! There is just something so awesome about our Airstream family! I hung with the SC folks (up in the "high rent" area....or so we called it). Just a great, great group of people. Susan, John....and of course, Melinda always keeps it interesting! Soon, you'll be back into being with our big family and we will welcome you with open arms. BTW, I had a nice letter from the Faithworks folks! Hug to you.... from me, Rhoda and Nola! Barry

[Lily&Me]

Thank you, Barry. It will be good to see all of you.

I get a lot of encouragement to keep sharing, so I do. Feels a bit narcissistic, but that is probably functional right now. I figure someone will tell me if it's time to shut up and go away, also think I will know and feel when it is time to do so.

Faithworks tells me they have sent letters of acknowledgment to all donors, but I feel something handwritten from me is also necessary. Just the right thing to do.

My son just called to tell me they would like to take me out to brunch on Mother's Day. Isn't that sweet? Mama always cooks and does most all of it, so this will be nice. I can stand to be taken care of a bit.

Been a good day today. After two days of running around, going to stay home and tend to a few things here tomorrow.

Take care, all....thanks for listening and for your support,

XO Maggie

[DIR1]

Hi Maggie... and thanks again for sharing with us... I agree about the signs... they are there, you'll find them...Hugs, gail

[switz]

We think of you often in our prayers and your journey has been very instructive. Unfortunately, unless there is a joint calamity, every couple has this experience in their future.

You are doing well and it will get easier over time.

[Lily&Me]

Thank you, all.

Slept pretty well last night.

A good thing.


Maggie

[Gene]

Maggie, you're still being a normal, grieving widow. Waking up in the middle of the night and going over everything is common. I think our need to understand what has happened makes us tell our story to everyone and to ourselves helps bring it into perspective. The story gets shorter and shorter as we develop understanding and that makes it easier for us to move along through the rest of our lives. One day you'll notice you are sleeping better and telling a very short story.

If you are doing this a year from now, then you can worry about being narcissistic. Not now.

After my father died, my mother talked to him each night. She never got an answer, but she never listened to anybody anyway. She came to accept that she didn't get an answer.

Gene

[Lily&Me]

Thank you, Gene. You're so wise and rational.

I am doing and feeling what recent widows do and feel, I know that. Have my worse moments, and days, but they pass. I talk to Doug every day, and last thing when I go to bed. I may always do that.

Starting to read some other threads, and one of these days I'll start posting. When I feel like being positive and light-hearted.

Sleeping well the night before makes a huge difference in the state of one's day. I think I'm going to like this new sleeping med.

It is quite warm and humid here today. June in May. Bought a few plants and tended to a few outdoor things. Now, inside with the AC.


Maggie

[Lily&Me]

Spent almost 3 hours this morning getting english ivy planted for the trellis panels we put up last fall, and my favorite pink impatiens in by the back stoop......and hauling 5 Gorilla Carts heaped full of ground up stump from the front yard to the tree line at the back of the property. Love that Gorilla Cart.

Sleeping so much better! Deep, drooling-a-bit sleep. So improves my quality of life.

I recall our plans to be in Illinois most of this summer, for the first time since we retired in 2007. I wanted to see my flower garden in bloom.....see what I could add, or should remove, and be sure the lilac bushes we put in last year were fully and happily established.

We were going to spend some long weekends at a few public campgrounds we had checked out near the Mississippi River, take the grands to Madeline Island for a week late July and then head toward the west coast after that. Intended to get Nevada filled in on our map....the last of the lower 48 states to camp in in the Interstate.

And so, as I'm digging/planting/hauling this morning, very aware of how deeply my life has changed, I'm thinking...."be careful what you wish for".

I am starting to feel that we had an inkling, somewhere deep in our subconscious, that our so-very-fortunate retirement life together was coming to an end. We spoke most days of how incredibly lucky we had been, to have been able to travel the country together for all these years. We had seen so much, fallen in love with beautiful places and made some wonderful new friends.

Some say the soul knows that their window in time to leave this earth is upon them. Looking back, at some of the things that occurred in the last few months of our life together, I'm starting to believe that is true.

Already best friends, being together 24-7 in retirement and on the road brought a new level of knowing and understanding each other, and deepened our bond. It felt like a charmed life, in a way, and something we felt we must verbally acknowledge our gratitude for so as not to jinx it. Doug referred to his retirement life as "an embarrassment of riches".

The stars had aligned in 2007.....we found the Interstate, just what we wanted and last year's model at a great price. 6 months later, we retired from the hellish-to-work-for SOI, after jumping at an early retirement option we discovered for those 55 or older with 25 or more years of service.

Took us seconds to make the decision to leave.....put in our notice, and we were gone. We left on the same day, always the plan, and never looked back nor regretted it for an instant.

Yep, we had the time of our lives. I am so very grateful to have had Doug and his love in my life. I am a better person because of that relationship, I know it. He felt the same.

Now, I'm crying. I've written too much and let my thoughts and feelings run away with me a bit. Tomorrow is 2 months since Doug was stricken at one of our favorite campgrounds in St. Marys, Georgia.

Life will never be the same, but it was a wonderful life and I have lots of beautiful memories to reflect on.

One of the things we were most grateful for in our retirement life was discovering these Forums and the many delightful people we have met through them.

Who knew these Forums-folks we so enjoyed would one day become such an amazing, loving and deeply appreciated source of support and strength for me when Doug died so suddenly.

It was meant to be, and has made all the difference to me, let me tell you.

Have made a few, benign posts. Doing okay, muddling along and getting on with what needs to be done.

Thank you, all.


XO Maggie

[DIR1]

you shared the life I dream of...hugs, gail

[BAB]

Maggie, I would say that through your willingness to share so openly you are providing ALL of us an "embarrassment of riches." Fact is, all of us will go through (or have gone through) the loss of loved ones. I know that there are those who have read your postings who are now looking at the important people in their lives just a bit differently. Perhaps this important -- albeit unwanted -- journey you're on is a greater gift than you'll ever know. Barry

[Lily&Me]

Everything happens for a reason, they say, and I have believed that for longer than I can remember.

I have shared my journey, here, and so many people....many of whom Doug and I never met.....have shared themselves.....lifting, carrying and supporting me these past 2 months.

Many very fine people here, and it's a good thing you've done.


XO Maggie

[nsbcpa]

Maggie

My condolences on the loss of your Doug.

My father passed about the same time as Doug two months ago.

You posts have been of great comfort to me in dealing not only with my loss but helping understand the emotions that my 80 year old mother must be experiencing. Thanks.

[Lily&Me]

Thank you, and my condolences on the loss of your father.

Doug always said "death is a part of life", and so it is, but that doesn't help those left behind.

Give your mother a hug and a kiss on the cheek for me, and tell her I wish her strength and peace.


Maggie