A Different Life II

[Protagonist]

Originally Posted by Lily&Me

Yes, it’s wrong, but I understand the thought.

We can’t save people from themselves, and when you’ve done what you can sometimes it is best to disengage...lest you become part of the cycle.

I am trying to disengage. I've only seen her once in three months, when she visited her mother, who is a friend of mine. But it's hard to stop caring about someone who was once important to me.

[Lily&Me]

I understand that, too.

Maggie

[rmkrum]

Sometimes, as they say in Naval Aviation, you just get into a huge hairball and have to ‘punch out’.

At that point you are floating free and sitting on a cloud, having “Cast your fate to the wind”. Had that as our class song in the 1960’s. We had a heck of an attitude then, but maybe it was a good policy. That, and believing that sometimes ‘sanity is overrated’. Somehow that has made it possible to deal with my life....determining that you really can’t save everyone in spite of your best efforts is kinda an important part of growing up. Not an easy lesson, and it’s taken me about 7 decades to learn it. Not that I like it, but it’s reality [emoji37]

Sometimes you just have to deal with life, and drive on...

[mimiandrews]

Yes, other people's words can be good, and you've found some great ones this time.

[Lily&Me]

I’m on a bit of a tear, and y’all don’t need to know why , but I’m going to use this thread to say a few things and impart a bit of food for thought...

I really, really, really despise the gossipy, malicious, jealous, snide, backstabbing stuff that goes on with too many adults....you know, the kind of stuff one would think would be largely left behind with high school...the criticizing, nit-picking apart and belittling of others because they are not like you, for whatever reason.

Some people always have to have targets, a repository for vile and vicious comments thrown out behind their backs.. the land of half and partial truths, attempting to build oneself up by cutting another down...and if they lose one target, they just find another.

Sadly, this is the kind of thing that women seem more prone to do, tho not universally, and these people are not your friends tho may want you to think so. They are the mean girls and boys, all grown up.

And I’m not talking about airing and venting and dealing with the occasional and legitimate problem, but the continual, petty, snide, small critiquing of others when their backs are turned.

$&#@%+&$#*$**#@%+$**##*%#...what is the possible positive purpose of this kind of behavior.

Does anyone believe that those who gossip about others to you won’t gossip about you to others, or that this kind of behavior engenders trust among people who must deal with each other?

It generates mistrust, and it generates self preservation thru emotional distance.

Petty gossip and cutting others down in whisper campaigns is not a recreational sport, folks, but a form of adult bullying...and should be beneath us all.

There, I said it.

[mimiandrews]

Well said!

Gossip is an effort to attract attention. "Look at me! I have the latest news." The technique is used by those who have so little in the way of skill or personality that they feel they can't get people to notice them in a positive way.

Pitiful!

But that means that I should take pity on them, so I'll try. Ain't easy.

[Lily&Me]

Hi Mimi...I’ve said my piece on this, so will try to now be quiet on it.

Do you have a projected finish date on the house, when you think you can start moving in?

Maggie

[Protagonist]

Originally Posted by Lily&Me

I really, really, really despise the gossipy, malicious, jealous, snide, backstabbing stuff that goes on with too many adults....you know, the kind of stuff one would think would be largely left behind with high school...the criticizing, nit-picking apart and belittling of others because they are not like you, for whatever reason.

Gossip is the refuge of people whose lives are so empty that they can only be filled with sharing juicy tidbits from other people's lives.

Which in my opinion is even worse than having a life so empty that it can only be filled with Monday morning quarterbacking about how one would manage one's favorite pro sports team, if only the team owners would recognize one's inherently superior insight gained by watching televised sports…

[Lily&Me]

Small boo-boos repairered, a new AC shroud procured, painted (by moi) and installed by my independent mechanic up the road...a matter of minutes and a mere four screws, for which he wanted no money, but for which I insisted on giving him a $20 bill.

It has been beautiful, mild and sunny this week, but change is coming in the form of rain and cold...so I’m going to pass on a few days out in the Interstate next week, and instead get wood in to the garage and winterization done this weekend.

It seems wise, and time to put the baby to bed for couple of months.

But...today, I have cleaned the little house and washed throw rugs, and am now on the patio grilling a find from my small chest freezer...bacon wrapped, boneless Amana sirloins, purchased at least 4 years ago, in the before.

If Doug were here, he would have a beer opened and be manning the grill.

Instead, it is me and Miss Lily, who is laying close and being the minder of me and whatever I do...as is her job, as she sees it. Sweet Lily.

Early for lunch, you say?

Not if you’ve been up for hours, tearing into cleaning and washing and subsisting thus far on a bowl of Raisin Bran.

Maggie

[Foiled Again]

I once dragged a "valuable employee" to a couple of AA meetings in an attempt to put sobriety into her list of available optipns.... and as these things generally go, I learned a LOT more about myself than I expected to.

One very honest answer to an eternal question... Why does a nice person like her/him end up with every new lover being a more worthless specimen than the old one?
Answer: CAMOUFLAGE

Observers focus on the horrid behavior of the boyfriend/girlfriend and overlook the drinking etc. Of the victim.

A desire to "save" one friend is noble... need to save a parade? Or keep bailing out someome over and over? Then it's time to check oneself into the shop for some serious engine work.

(Hi, my name is Paula and I am a grateful recovering a**)

[Lily&Me]

Hi Paula, and I agree with what you’ve said.

I did my undergraduate internship at an inpatient substance abuse treatment facility, and it started me on a decades long learning experience about 12 Steps, addiction, co-dependency, enabling, etc.

Still, much as one may cognitively “know”, it can be difficult putting principles into practice...with oneself, with friends and with loved ones.

However, put something out here and one will undoubtedly get frank feedback from at least one person.

One of the most difficult tasks in life, in my opinion, is making a commitment to being part of a solution rather than part of the problem...doing your part, in your little corner, every day.

Maggie

[Protagonist]

Originally Posted by Foiled Again

A desire to "save" one friend is noble... need to save a parade? Or keep bailing out someone over and over? Then it's time to check oneself into the shop for some serious engine work.

I hear you. The ex-girlfriend I worry about? I've already decided that, if I ever see her again, she will get an earful of "You got yourself into this mess of your own free will. If you want out of it, you already know what you have to do, so do it and quit griping about it. No one else can do it for you, so stop waiting for that to happen."

And I am looking for a new girlfriend so that I'm not available to be her parachute if— not when— she finally decides to bail out of the train wreck that is her present relationship. (Mixed metaphor, I know, but you get the picture.) But I'm in no hurry. I plan to be around for a long time, and I don't need a new romance to help define who I am.

[Lily&Me]

Good for you, Protag, and I always hear good things about EHarmony.

Not for me, dating sites, but I have just met another couple who found each other on EHarmony, and I have a family member who found the love of her life on there.

Be aware, tho, that anyone who has been entrenched in negative cycles cannot flip a switch to change their lives....change is a process, not an event.

First you get out, attach yourself to professionals who can help you, then you begin to relearn how to live your life, step by step, day by day.


Maggie

[Protagonist]

Originally Posted by Lily&Me

Good for you, Protag, and I always hear good things about EHarmony.

Not for me, though. I'm leery of any dating website.

I'm sure that some of my married female friends— especially at church— know of eligible women of good moral character who are single, divorced, or widowed, of compatible age, and willing to be introduced to a guy like me. If I can't find someone based on recommendations from mutual friends, then I'll just go it alone a while longer. I'm in no hurry to become a couple again, and being alone is hardly a fate worse than death.

[mimiandrews]

No projected move-in date yet. No use saying I can't wait, because I have to.

I am in the RV park at Hilltop Lakes tonight. Blackie and I drove down today to check on the house and to see progress in person. The Austin stone is up on the exterior, and I love it. The same stone will surround the fireplace, but they haven't started that yet.

The hangar is nearly done, just waiting for the big front door to be delivered.

Tomorrow will be meetings of two of the pilot's organizations in the area--a chance to socialize with neighbors-to-be. I'll spend Sunday with kids and grands. Monday will probably find me getting sent here and there by my builder. He keeps needing me to pick out this and that.

I'll post pictures when I get home on Tuesday.

[Lily&Me]

Have a great weekend, Mimi.

I remember when the little house was getting to that stage, and I would drag the kids over in the evenings after work...we would walk thru the partially completed rooms to envision what they would be like when completed, and could not wait to get settled into a place of our very own.

I’ll be looking forward to your pictures.

Maggie

[Lily&Me]

Interstate has been emptied, underneath the benches and every other possible nook and cranny have been vacuumed free of dog hair , sand and dust, hiding stink bugs have been routed out, and washable areas...have been washed.

Every removable item is being washed before it goes back out there...being a generally neat and clean person, nothing in my home or Interstate is ever really dirty, but I like things to not only be clean but to smell clean.

I miss Doug every day, but some of the times I miss him most is when I am toiling away at physical things that he always did in the before...like vacuuming under the benches, which must really be done on ones hands and knees.

In my cleaning, I pulled free the bug-out bag from the spot Doug tucked it into before we headed south for our winter trip in early 2014...2 months later, he was dead, and I haven’t touched it since, merely cleaned around it.

Just couldn’t bring myself to do it, and handle all those things his fingers were the last to touch. It’s time, tho, as what good is a bug out bag that hasn’t been updated in 4 years.

Thinking back, I have always thought I had started this thread after the terrible tornadoes that struck Washington Illinois in November 2013, but I had actually started it a month before that event.

http://www.airforums.com/forums/f161...ss-112133.html

I do clearly recall, and have written of this before, that for some months before Doug’s death we had both felt and talked about a visceral sense of change coming, something that would drastically interfere with our travels....we always thought in terms of a natural disaster we could try to prepare for, tho, never the death of one of us.

If it ended tomorrow, it’s been a great ride, baby, he would say, with his wry smile and wink. We knew it was coming, we just didn’t know what IT was.

Thus, the thought of a bug out bag, to grab and carry with as we with Lily in tow fled tornado, flood, earthquake, fire, meteoric disaster, etc. Thinking we would then be as ready as we could be. Not.

The orange identification tag has our names and address on it...in his neat handwriting, which was so much more so than mine.

Sigh. Life.

Maggie

[Lily&Me]

This was in an article that was sent to me, published in Psychology Today...

A bully may utilize one or more of the following methods to inflict harm, while deriving wretched pleasure from the suffering of the victim.

1. Physical bullying. This refers to the use of physical intimidation, threat, harassment and/or harm. Examples of physical bullying include physical attack, simulated violence (such as raising a fist as if to strike, or throwing objects near a person), extortion, date rape, marital rape, domestic violence, sexual harassment at work, personal space violation, physical space entrapment, physical size domination, and numerical domination (ganging up on a victim).

“I had my bully, and it was excruciating. Not only the bully, but the intimidation I felt." — Robert Cormier

2. Tangible/material bullying. Using one’s formal power (i.e. title or position) or material leverage (i.e. financial, informational, or legal) as forms of intimidation, threat, harassment, and/or harm. In these scenarios, the bully uses his or her advantage in stature and/or resources to dominate and control the victim.

“The greater the power, the more dangerous the abuse.” — Edmond Burke

3. Verbal bullying. Threats; shaming; hostile teasing; insults; constant negative judgment and criticism; or racist, sexist, or homophobic language.

“The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as obvious.” ―Lundy Bancroft

4. Passive-aggressive or covert bullying. This is a less frequently mentioned form of bullying, but in some ways it's the most insidious. With many bullies, you can see them coming because they are quick to make their intimidating presence known. A passive-aggressive or covert bully, however, behaves appropriately on the surface, but takes you down with subtlety.

Examples of passive-aggressive and covert bullying include negative gossip, negative joking at someone’s expense, sarcasm, condescending eye contact, facial expression or gestures, mimicking to ridicule, deliberately causing embarrassment and insecurity, the invisible treatment, social exclusion, professional isolation, and deliberately sabotaging someone’s well-being, happiness, and success
"Behind the smile, a hidden knife!" ―Ancient Chinese proverb describing passive-aggressive behavior

5. Cyber bullying. Many types of tangible, verbal, and passive-aggressive behavior mentioned above can be conveyed online via social media, texting, video, email, on-line discussion, and other digital formats. Identity theft is also a form of cyber bullying.

“Cyber bullies…do not need direct physical access to their victims to do unimaginable harm.” ―Anna Maria Chavez

What these five types of bullying have in common is that, when enacted repeatedly, they become patterns of physical, mental, and/or emotional abuse. Unless strong and effective boundaries are established, the bully is likely to repeat and intensify the abuse.

“Someone who hates you normally hates you for one of three reasons: They see you as a threat. They hate themselves. Or they want to be you.” ―Unknown

The most important thing to keep in mind about bullies is that they pick on those whom they perceive as weaker. So, as long as you remain passive and compliant, you make yourself a target. Many bullies are also cowards: When their victims begin to show backbone and stand up for their rights, a bully will often back down. This is true in schoolyards, as well as in domestic and office environments.

“I realized that bullying never has to do with you. It's the bully who's insecure.” —Shay Mitchell

When confronting bullies, be sure to place yourself in a position where you can safely protect yourself, whether it’s standing tall on your own, having other people present as witnesses and support, or keeping a paper trail of the bully’s inappropriate behavior. In cases of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse, consult with counseling, legal representation, law enforcement, or administrative professionals. It’s important to stand up to bullies—and you don’t have to do it alone.

[rmkrum]

Originally Posted by Lily&Me

------------snip----------------


Thus, the thought of a bug out bag, to grab and carry with as we with Lily in tow fled tornado, flood, earthquake, fire, meteoric disaster, etc. Thinking we would then be as ready as we could be. Not.



Maggie

I know it's not easy, but bug-out bags really need to be gone through and checked/updated at least once a year. Batteries, food, and water in them can and does expire, so it is a good idea to inventory and update it. Paperwork such as Lily's rabies shot record and other details may be out of date as well...

Hang in there, and try to enjoy the good memories anew!

[Lily&Me]

Thanks, rmkrum...I do know these should be checked and updated annually, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it before now.

And, actually, it hasn’t been done “now”, as the bag is sitting here in my living room, looking at me, daring me to deal with it.

I carry Lily’s shot records in my hard copy “Home book” along with emergency contact information, medical information, etc.

I would hopefully remember to grab this with my wallet, meds, Contact lens stuff, etc., if we actually had to “bug out”...although we did bug out to a bathhouse in a torrential rainstorm and tornado presence this past year...and I grabbed my purse and cell phone but nothing else.

I need a note, by the door.

Maggie