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Old 07-30-2015, 11:06 AM   #589
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I know.

It didn't make me cry, but it's just so real.

Everything seems prefaced by "Before Doug died" or "When Doug was still alive".....everything now is "Since" or "After".

Such a demarcation in one's life, as most traumatic events are.


Maggie
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Old 07-30-2015, 10:48 PM   #590
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Yes, Maggie, we all have stories, and most certainly, each difficulty leaves it's mark on our life, and when it is the loss of a loved one...leaves a scar on the heart and a void in the soul.
Without even thinking of it ...automatically gauge time frames by... Before, after, when he/she was alive, since they left....and on and on. I find myself doing it....so often. It's a way of maintaining connection, I think.
God bless. Evelyn.
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Old 07-31-2015, 07:08 AM   #591
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Mmmm, I think that is true, also part of the resolution of the trauma.

I was reading something by Susan Pease Banitt, where she referred to our minds protecting us from flooded emotion by throwing a circuit breaker of sorts, which allows us to function rather than going completely 'round the bend....the cost of that thrown breaker switch being "emotion frozen within the body.......like a movie still going after the sound has been turned off".....and that we can't truly heal til we move fully thru that event, however long that takes.

Is not "a movie still going after the sound has been turned off" a perfect description?

I have a good circuit breaker system...maybe too good...which allows me to soldier on, dealing with things as I go, thru whatever has capsized my life.....and there have been a few of those. Feelings do tend then to lurch to the surface at the darnedest, and most unexpected, times.

Talking with fellow travelers in the Gila a couple of weeks ago, and showing them some pictures, I had a sudden burst of tears when seeing Doug's face.

Came out of seemingly nowhere, but told me clearly I am still moving thru it....doing pretty darned well, but ain't quite there yet.

I have found someone to give a small pile of Doug's favorite shirts to....mostly J. Peterman, and rather old-style, with banded collars. I just could not take them to Goodwill, and felt I would eventually find them a good and fitting home.....which I did.

Another old soul, trapped in a 21st century body and life.....loving cooking from scratch and over fire, building and making beautiful things by hand....also wearing old-style shirts. .

The old ways are ingrained into him, and he/his wife's lifestyle. Those ways practiced in 21st century life take passion, dedication, and time.

Doug always said he was born 100 years too late......this man, more like 200 years ....and Doug would have liked these two.

Somewhere he is nodding his head in approval.


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Old 07-31-2015, 10:58 AM   #592
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Understanding

Maggie,

Remember you have some of us who look at your thread and can fully understand where you are. As a parent who lost a son about two years ago, I am with you all the way.

Some things we do not ever "get over" but learn to move forward holding on to every wonderful memory we can. There is no right or wrong way to grieve over a loved one. But, for sure, being active in sharing, allowing us to be with you in spirit, this is much more of a gift to those of us lurking than you can ever know.

Thanks so much,

Tommie
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Old 07-31-2015, 11:38 AM   #593
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Sorry for your loss, Tommie. No parent is ever prepared to outlive a child.

What you say I have been told by so many people, and it encourages me to keep writing about the most mundane range of widowed life experiences.

It's something we're all going to go thru at some point in our lives, and if my writings help others, that is a double blessing......because they so much help me, and keep friends and family from far too frequently being held hostage by my need to talk.


On another note......the legal department at PNC also requires "letters of office" to open an estate account, not just the Small Estate Affidavit I was originally told.

Letters of office come from a judge after an attorney files papers requesting appointment of an executor when a will is filed in probate court......probate court not required for estates like Doug's and mine, which are small, where we have wills naming executors and the bulk passes directly to our respective children.

Attorney fees, filing fees....

What a pain in the ass, and how cumbersome. They basically are saying they don't want to deal with small estates, by requiring something needed only for larger ones....in order to open an estate account so one can deposit a check made out to a deceased's estate.

The assistant bank manager has applied for an exception for me, a 35 year customer of this bank, for this single check. Edward Jones doesn't require these papers to open an estate account, and the credit union where the Interstate loan is (almost paid off!) is looking into it.

This banking institution is too large, in my opinion. When they are no longer user friendly, and when you consistently get different information from different people, there is something wrong.


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Old 07-31-2015, 02:36 PM   #594
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Maggie, I'm sorry you have to deal with all that. I suppose it must be some "odd Illinois law"? When Joe died, he was, at that point, in New Jersey, preparing to sell the little Holiday Village house, (when the fire took him, house and all).
I thought it difficult to deal with both NJ and Colorado laws, but, learning of your dilemma, mine wasn't so bad, after all.

The older I am...more losses...cost of long living I guess. Losing children is a whole different category, though. 1990... Dtr Lynn lost to breast cancer 31 yr old....2000...son Rick and dtr Viv, to auto crash from a drunk driver. They were 40 and 33, respectively. Of 8 siblings,I am only one remaining. Mom and Dad gone many years. Of all these deeply loved ones, I am able to move on within reasonable time frame. The children...no. Though it has been 25 and 15 years since those losses...sometimes it seems so recent. The traumatic grief is eventually replaced with only memories, the best of special times together....a void, where happiness once thrived. One does move forward with life.

My Mom always told me that, "stress builds character"..."pain comes into our lives and God gives us strength and courage to deal with it"..."what doesn't kill us makes us stronger"...." If life was always easy and uneventful with no trials or tribulations...are we REALLY LIVING LIFE"?...and lastly..."Evelyn, you have the strongest and bravest of DNA...Scotch-Irish of me and Dutch-German of your Dad. With this history, you can do anything, be who you want to be...as long as you are devoted to your faith, pursue your education to achieve your goals, and willing to work as hard as it takes to get there. No one can hold you back if you follow these guidelines".

I have followed as she and my Dad taught, and they were correct. I have drawn on the strength and courage God has given to me, as well as my genetic heritage. It does hold true. Mom's and Dad's teachings are words of wisdom I have lived by and have passed to my own children and grands.
God bless. Evelyn.
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Old 07-31-2015, 03:03 PM   #595
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I am sorry for your losses, Evelyn....so very hard those must have been.

It is a cost of a long life that family and friends die around you, leaving you without their comfort and support as you get older yourself. Doug's mom has said for years that all of her lifelong friends are dead. . But, she's 97 1/2....most don't get to live that long.

This check thing is a hassle,, but not a traumatic event. I can and will deal with it.

Edward Jones will open an estate account with just an EIN for the account from IRS...which I obtained online....but their home office requires signatures of all heirs to open it. Including a child who hasn't spoken since 2010. They could then all lay claim to this small pittance of a check...tho I don't believe any would do that.

Back to seeing what PNC can do with an exception.

It's a test, I tell myself......and a small one, in the great scheme of things.

Little house is cleaned, rugs have aired outside and it smells wonderful in here because of that,

Lily has had her walk......all is right in her world for the moment.


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Old 07-31-2015, 09:18 PM   #596
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Soldier on, my dear Maggie...soldier on! Have a restful weekend. God bless. Evelyn.
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Old 08-01-2015, 02:36 PM   #597
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Pounding in stakes for my sagging fence today , trimming this, fixing that....I've gotten pretty good with tools this past year or so.

Watched "Casablanca" this afternoon.....one of Doug's all time favorite movies.

I very much believed....and told him so.....that, as a fatherless son, he took his role models and cues for what kind of a man to be from his favorite movie stars.

Bogart was one of those favorites, and Rick in this movie....crusty exterior, hopeless romantic, rank sentimentalist....carefully hidden to most, but very much known to me.

Line dried sheets for the bed tonight.

Ahhhh, summer.


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Old 08-02-2015, 06:50 AM   #598
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Old 08-02-2015, 10:37 AM   #599
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Maggie, that one picture says it all! Have a nice Sunday. God bless. Evelyn.
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Old 08-02-2015, 11:38 AM   #600
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Hi Maggie,
I've been keeping up with your blog. Your life has sure been a roller coaster lately, but I'm glad you are enjoying the high points. I'm keeping Doug's mom in my prayers - she is one of the "greatest generation". I'm hoping she will be comfortable and have kind caregivers. Hope you have a great trip to the UP - sure beats the heat and humidity.
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Old 08-02-2015, 12:56 PM   #601
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Hi Kathy, and thank you.

I am not going to the UP, going to stay closer to home with the situation with Doug's mom, and am going to head back up to see her again in week or so. I don't look for her to last too long, and I want to stay close.

I want her to have a peaceful, painless end, but she has had a good, long life, and is ready to go.

The UP will be there next year......and, hopefully, so will I.

Have been looking for something appealing nearby, since we are going to have a bit of a cool spell next week, and because I am home all of a week, caught up on chores and so already thinking about going again.

Am going to head just an hour or so northwest to spend some time with my beloved sister in law......raising her 3 grandchildren these past 10 years or so ....then head for a couple of days to a conservation area not far from there that has dry camping.

I just want to go .....sit in the cool, quiet mornings, sip my coffee, watch the sun come up and the wildlife out looking for breakfast.

Then read, crochet, walk Lily.....and while away the day.

Its why we do this, right?


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Old 08-03-2015, 07:21 PM   #602
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Finished pre-mini-trip chores this morning and took a leisurely 1 1/2 hour drive on the back roads to my sister-in-law's corner of Illinois, where I was invited to stay under a lovely shade tree in her mother's yard. Perfect for little me.

These are my favorite family members.....but for my children & theirs, of course....good, solid, decent, hardworking, straightforward, kind, loving folks. Easy to be with, not ones to get into a snit about some small something....I have family like that.

We have had a solid rapport since our respective kids were little, that has deepened over the years and now extends to these grown nieces and nephew. I love them, they love me, and it is always good to get together.

My oldest niece came home from work and presented me with this beautiful bouquet of flowers, which I will put outside on my little silver table in the morning. In for the night so the deer don't have them for dinner. So sweet of her.

We sat under the tree and talked for hours, and have now dispersed to our respective homes to relax and ready for another day of visiting tomorrow.

Nice.


Maggie
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