A Different Life II

[Lily&Me]

Hi Tommie, and great to hear from you!

You have a gorgeous trailer, and I’m sure you will be sad to see it go, but downsizing will make travel much easier for you, I feel sure.

Doug never wanted to tow, so a Class B was always our plan, and it has really been perfect....both in the before, and in the after.

One of the best things about the Interstate is being able to stop and step to the back to do whatever, without setting foot into the elements if the weather is inclement....use the facilities, get lunch, take a break, stop for the night ...all without stepping outside if that is what you choose.

Of course, I travel with a dog and a folding bicycle in the rear, so it’s not quite that simple for me, but still...

If I have hookups, I almost always run out to plug into electricity, regardless snow, sleet, pouring rain, etc., but that is a couple of minute job, and we are good to go.

I think you will like the changes, and if they keep you traveling, well then that is the goal.

Keep in touch and let’s meet up when our paths cross...

Maggie

[Msmoto]

"One of the best things about the Interstate is being able to stop and step to the back to do whatever, without setting foot into the elements if the weather is inclement....use the facilities, get lunch, take a break, stop for the night ...all without stepping outside if that is what you choose."

This is so very true. And, it actually saves as much as thirty minutes a day in long runs...

In my travels next year I will attempt to make a connection with you. Always a lot of fun to get together. And, I suspect I will be traveling more to South Dakota to see my friends, was a wonderful trip the last venture up there...

Keep up the good work, see you soon,
Tommie

[Protagonist]

Originally Posted by Msmoto

This is so very true. And, it actually saves as much as thirty minutes a day in long runs...

You'll save more than 30 minutes a day, TWICE a day, just by not having to hitch and unhitch a trailer to a tow vehicle, by the time you account for a trailer's stabilizer jacks, equalizer hitch arms, etc.

[Lily&Me]

I had my bi-annual dentist appointment today, about an hour drive each way to a dentist who will take my insurance.

Drive time is always good think time for me, and as I approach the date which would have been Doug’s and my 25th wedding anniversary, thoughts were of him, me, and us...and where I was in March 2014 vs where I am now.

I’m going to share my thoughts, as they may be of help to others..

His death was not the only traumatic experience I have had in my lifetime, but it was the most sudden, and the first death of a loved one so close to me.

It was important to me from the beginning to get up and keep going...that is not only what I do, but who I am...but it was all very rote, mechanical and mindless at first, following in the footsteps of the before...much more thoughtful and intentional as the months and then years have passed.

Anyone who has experienced trauma of any kind...be that death, natural disaster, etc...understands the struggle to keep overwhelming events from defining you for the long term...becoming who you are, rather than something you experienced.

This is hard, and it takes not only time, but the ability to create and maintain perspective...a process, and not an event, in my experience.

Certainly Doug’s death thoroughly defined me for quite a long time, but tho I will always love and cherish him, I am his widow more in the background these days...and that is good for me.

Always working to understand myself , and be a better me, I recently read a good article by Louise Thompson, who wrote...

“It is common for our tragedies to come to define us if we let them....to forever define yourself by what you have lost rather than what you still have....this makes the present unbearable as our loss becomes a lens through which we view the world. Viewing life through the lens of loss means we are experiencing life either in terms of what we have lost (which is past) or what we can no longer have (which is future).”

Very good other peoples words, and I wanted to share them.

Maggie

[Hittenstiehl]

Maggie, thank you for sharing your post and thoughts.

Reading your posts over the last year's and watching the passage of time it is just a reminder that time waits for no one and nothing is constant but change.

I have learned a lot from reading your posts about grief and grieving and living.

Someone close to me is definitely defined and consumed by their grief. They have had several (4 major) losses / grief's in the last 20 years and have literally gone from one to the next never finding the spark of life in between.

When days are particularly troubling or sad for them they actually resurrect all those losses. They rehash the what ifs, and why's, the why me's and why them. The how did we let this happen and how could this have happened to me.

It's sad to watch and participate in. It's very overwhelming, obviously for them but also the people who are trying to be supportive.

You feel like you lost not only the deceased but also the one that survived.

Also challenging is to watch the deceased be elevated to sainthood when like you they were a real and flawed human.

I've read the books and counseling sights and tried to impart tidbits here and there. Even some postings from here to no avail.

So patience and prayer seems to be where we are.

Thanks for letting me share.

[Lily&Me]

Always, Hittenstiehl.

It’s about integration, I believe...

Part of the grieving is about being realistic, acknowledging what was good and what was not...I talk with him every day, about whatever is on my mind, and I tell him the truth.

Him, me, both of us complicated and imperfect...but we got each other, and loved each other. That was the best part.

I know that he is nodding, with a wry smile, and that he understands.

Maggie

[Lily&Me]

This is a good article on letting go, Hittenstiehl..may help you better understand your friend, if you can’t help them.

https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-and...of-letting-go/

[Photobum]

Maggie,

I have had the pleasure of reading your blog for several years. I very much enjoyed meeting you several years ago although Cassie and Lilly had issues....

I particularly enjoy the moments when you post thoughts like these...

Thank you.

[Lily&Me]

Awww, thank you, Vince...and for the pictures of those sweet pups!

They are getting so big!

I know you are enjoying them, and their boundless love and energy.

Maggie

[Msmoto]

I really enjoy your blog, Maggie. It is a place where all can share both pain and joy. I for one understand the pain, having lost a son four years ago... We learn to live with our reality, never get "over" it.

But, a couple things have come up....the "awww" stuff... while at the repair shop who did my front axle on my truck.... this youngster was there to greet me each day.... awww...
Welch_Pup_10.27.2017_TFL-1 by Tommie Lauer, on Flickr

Just hope I have not posted this before...LOL

Now, back to the time saved.... as one who remains hooked up, some of the time each evening is not about the disconnect, etc., but for me in the Flying J with a TV and trailer, hooking up the generator in the bed of the truck is certainly a ten to twenty minute job, when raining is accompanied by language I cannot repeat.

So, yes, Protagonist, some definite time savings each evening and morning, had not even thought about that. Looking forward to being in the Class B/C crowd!

Thanks again, Maggie, for the blog...

Tommie

[Lily&Me]

Oooh, sweet puppy.

I looked up the Atlas, Tommie, and it looks roomy and comfortable, so I hope that works out for you.

Thank you, Tommie...I at times struggle with whether to continue this blog, and my recent change in the number and nature of my posts here was a product of that...it felt time for a change, but not elimination.

However, I appreciate those who read this, and those who comment publicly and privately that my posts resonate with them...and so I go on.

This is a written outlet for me, and I write what I think will be of interest...and encourage others to do the same.

Losing Doug was a life altering event, as traumatic events by nature are...the ground shook and rippled beneath me, seriously...but loss is something we all will go thru at some point, and as we are more alike than we are different, there are commonalities and transferable points of reference between us.

A good thing.

Maggie

[Hittenstiehl]

Please don't close up shop/blog yet.....😚 It's one of my daily dose favorites.

I liken it to:
A voice of reason.
A calm in the storm.
A passage of time.
A different dance.
Life beyond grief.
Survival of the living.

I actually think it would be nice in a published format someday.

Warn us before your done please😄.

[Lily&Me]

Sweet, Hittenstiehl.

My iPad cover is out for delivery...

I pulled a black microfleece jacket out of the closet the other day...a remnant of my daughters fall semester in London her senior year almost 20 years ago.

London is a “ dressy” city, and she needed an upscale jacket her middle class self could wear out and about...it worked very well for her.

A Travelsmith item, rather long in the body...which I like...and of very good quality, I couldn’t bring myself to part with it when she was no longer interested in it.

So, pulled it out, inspected it and washed it up.

In perfect condition, but for two, small cigarette burns/melts about where someone holding a lit cigarette might bump it up against a person they were standing close to.

I have just orderdered a few small, embroidered appliqués to sew over these spots...dark red roses...going to do a cluster of three.

And, I’m going to wear this jacket when the occasion calls for it.

Maggie

[mimiandrews]

I agree. Your blog has been very therapeutic for me as I've made the transition into that different life after losing John. I hope you keep it going.

[Lily&Me]

Hi Mimi ...I so admire your strength, going thru what you did with your husband’s extended illness and your plans for your life since.

Maggie

[Piggy Bank]

Maggie,
I would like to let you know that your blog has helped me, in that we lost my mother in law about the same time you lost Doug.

Your blog has helped me to think and understand a lot about how my father in law is moving through the world without his beloved by his side.

So thank you for sharing.

[Lily&Me]

Awww, thank you PB, and good to hear from you.

Maggie

[Lily&Me]

I’ve cleaned the little house, done the laundry, and baked a batch of cookies to take to the Iowa crew...it’s Friday, and it’s what I do.

There is something so innately satisfying for me in a) cleaning, and b) cooking...no hoping for positive long term results , but they’re right there, done by your own hands...immediate gratification.

I get the same satisfaction out of crocheting, creating something with my own two hands that someone else can use. A good thing.


There were many years when seasonal clothing was purchased bi-annually for all of the grandkids by Doug and I, to help their young parents out with these costs. We were able to do it, enjoyed it, and the parents appreciated it.

All the parents well established professionally these days, they don’t need the help at this point, but I still always pick up a few things because I like the kids to have something their Grandma got for them...they love it, and I love it.

Sherpa lined hoodies for the boys, and sweater fleece for the girls, arrived yesterday via great pre-holiday bargains...distributed here, and being carried with to Iowa, my sweet babies will be wrapped in Grandma hugs whenever they wear them.


I’m starting to look at the map and think about routing myself out of here in about 2 months.

I’m looking forward to going back to Louisiana, where I have not been since the year Doug died...when Lily and I ran away from home the middle of December and didn’t come back til March.

We spent Christmas in Natchitoches, a beloved place of ours, and where I felt close to Doug... Skyping with the grands as they opened their gifts.

A very, very difficult time for me, the why of which I won’t go into here. I needed to leave, so that’s what we did, and I cried all the way south.

But, that time has passed, and I will return with a lighter heart...looking forward to poking around favorite places before making my way east along the Gulf, and making plans to go into New Orleans for the first time in the after.

Doug and I went to NOLA for the first time on our honeymoon in 1992, fell in love with the place and were back 18-20 times in the next 21 years...a couple of those retirement years we went twice, simply because we could.

Looking at the map, wondering if I can safely get the Interstate into the French Quarter RV Resort...I have never driven anything in NOLA, but this place is so conveniently located for walking into the Quarter that it is where I really want to stay.

I’ve crossed incredibly high bridges and driven two lane roads at 8,000+ elevation...fighting serious fear of heights... so I should be able to do this, drive into the French Quarter, right? We’ll see.


I almost dread turning on the news these days....if it isn’t one natural disaster or horrific act perpetrated on others, it is another...or a series of others, as with the current flood of sexual assault allegations against powerful people in Hollywood and elsewhere.

My heart goes out to these victims.

To those telling their stories, may you find peace thru your disclosures...and may those still holding their secrets find the courage to come forward.

Maggie

[Msmoto]

Hi Maggie,

Driving in New Orleans...my experience in 2009 when pulling my 27FB behind my Dodge down there, stayed at Bayou Segnette State Park, but when departing for Texas, pulled across the Huey P Long Bridge.. looked to be about 9 foot wide lanes in my eyes but probably more. Fortunately there were two lanes each direction so I used 1 1/2 lanes..

I suspect if one were to call the French Quarter RV Resort they could give the best directions for any RV in regards to traffic issues. But, you can do it!

Interestingly enough it is my opinion that it is "never too late" to have comforting memories. I just went through that in the town I was raised in.... and "raise..." was what I did back then. But back in Sioux Falls, I just drove around and relived in a positive way some of my childhood experiences... really great thing to have happen. So, there are some wonderful positive things that we can find when seeking them out.

My best wishes for you whether you move or not.

[paiceman]

From where you've been and what you've accomplished sand grown since Doug's passing I found NO RV Resort will be an issue. My unit commander in SO had a saying, probably not original, "Self doubt is our toughest enemy". Suggest as someone else did call ahead and let them advise you. Enjoy.