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Old 10-30-2016, 01:32 PM   #3221
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With small children in the neighborhood, and grandchildren close by, it is incumbent upon me to continue the Halloween ritual of carving a pumpkin for the front porch, to be internally lit at the appointed hour and be present with the porch light to greet whatever trick or treaters come to the door.

I did the carving when my children were small, then for many years it was a Doug task.

I would cut off the top, clean the thing out, and draw out the features...he would then carefully take knife in hand and do the fine tuning.

Now my task, this third Halloween minus sweet hubby.

As with other choring this morning...cleaning leaves and debris off the patio, clearing out flower beds, starting on the raking...there are few things I do at any moment on any given day, where Doug's absence is not acutely felt.

Widowhood is largely about replacing tasks and activities once shared with the same done alone, is the truth, creating new rituals and routines to get you thru.

You co-exist at every moment with the memories of your time together, and your now.

The before, and the after.

I have much to be grateful for, and don't let myself forget that, but I didn't choose this and I dont have to like it.


Maggie
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Old 10-30-2016, 04:32 PM   #3222
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Well said ...
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Old 10-31-2016, 09:31 AM   #3223
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Quite eloquent Maggie...

Quiet thoughts of you today, All Souls Day.
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Old 10-31-2016, 10:17 AM   #3224
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Hi Vince, and thanks.

All Souls Day, to honor the dead. I can do that.

I feel I wait for a magical transition to occur, to a time when I am not...nearly always, it seems... cognizant of the loss and absence of my husband and life partner.

Alas, 2 1/2 years later, that time has not yet arrived, and I'm not looking for it any time soon. It may never happen.

I think, deep down, I would really, really like to get to that place...not to forget him, of course, but to not feel so often the sadness that comes with the awareness of being in the "after".

Sigh. I'm doing pretty darn well, and I know that.


It is a crisp and cool fall morning, Lily has had a long walk and I am making arrangements for estimates so as to select a new lawn service for next year.

I have appreciated my two strapping young men handling the yard since Doug has been gone, but as they have built their business, and prepare to do it full time, their big commercial accounts have made their services more difficult to access...I'll just leave it at that

I understand, but it's just not working for me.

I was going to give it another year, but have decided I just don't need the uncertainty and aggravation.

So...Angie's List is my new best friend.


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Old 10-31-2016, 10:25 AM   #3225
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I do not think there is a "transition". I find that I carry everyone through my life, relatives, lovers, acquaintances, people I hurt, they all seem to get through every day with me. Sometimes with joy, other times with guilt, they never seem to leave me.

We touch so many people in our lives...we should savor that....
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Old 10-31-2016, 10:35 AM   #3226
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That is so true, Vince, and thanks for reminding me of that.

I, too, carry many memories of others with me, tho my Doug memories are different.

I do believe we find those we need in this life, for whatever individual reason and purpose each may have and bring with them, and that their cumulative mission is to help us achieve what we are here on earth to do.

I'll work on embracing them all, as they have made me who I am...the good, the bad, and the ugly....and lead me where I need to be, doing what I need to do.


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Old 10-31-2016, 10:37 AM   #3227
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Good to hear from you, Vince.

You're a deep thinker, and I appreciate that.


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Old 10-31-2016, 01:29 PM   #3228
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Little chipmunk is definitely gone.

I have mixed feelings....


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Old 10-31-2016, 05:18 PM   #3229
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They hibernate through the winter. Maybe he just cashed out for the season.
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Old 10-31-2016, 05:20 PM   #3230
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It's mid 60's here daytime, so too early to be hibernating, I think....I suspect he is d-e-a-d.


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Old 11-01-2016, 06:55 AM   #3231
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I like this...
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Old 11-01-2016, 07:12 AM   #3232
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All Souls Day, to honor the dead. I can do that.

That's tomorrow, Nov. 2nd. We'll definitely remember my John and your Doug.

Today is All Saints Day to honor those who set an extra good example in their lives, although I'm quite sure there are millions of them the church knows nothing about. The day before All Saints day was All Hallows Eve in old English--transmogrified into Halloween.

All Souls Day honors all dead. In Mexico, families have picnics in the cemetery near their loved ones' graves on that day.
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Old 11-01-2016, 07:25 AM   #3233
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Okay ....I've honored him, at any rate, and not just by the recent visit with the grands to his gravesite

I honor Doug every day, I feel, one way or another.

I talk with him honestly and frankly, wish him well in spirit life, thank him for being in my life and for staying in touch since he's left, and for providing help when needed.

It's all a process, not an event, I remind myself.


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Old 11-01-2016, 02:37 PM   #3234
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Saw my beloved chiropractor this morning, who checked me over and pronounced me in need of just minimal adjustment to neck and back...thank you, orthotic levelers, you have changed my life.

I also cleaned out the refrigerator freezer, within which I found enough meals in vacuum seal bags that I could easily not cook anything for the next month.

It needed to be done, and stuck in the back I found two pint jars of teriyaki marinade, from a large batch Doug & I made several years ago after I had a plethora of pineapple juice left from a recipe.

The labels on the jars are in his handwriting...I just stuck them back in there again. They'll keep.

Taking the Interstate to the storage facility tomorrow morning, and walking Lily back. I will then be car-less until the end of December.

I feel a bit like I'm stepping off into air , but I'm determined to do it, so I just will.


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