My drive to soldier on
, thru whatever has capsized my life, serves me well with regard to functioning, doing, getting thru, etc., but moments occur that remind me very quickly that I am still grieving, still a bit raw, still very much adjusting to the loss of my beloved husband and life partner.
I don't cry often this days, but experience frequent twinges when coming across something Doug
.....his clothing I haven't yet been able to deal with, the cordless drill we bought that I now use, his favorite beer at the grocery store, anything that reminds me of him, really.
i indulged in carry-out the other day and ran into a woman I have known professionally since 1982. A good, good human being, one with the required, functioning moral compass
, and who became a pillar in child welfare during her career. She never compromised doing what was right for what was politically correct.
She expressed condolences on the loss of my husband, tears immediately filled my eyes and we talked a bit. Good to receive the comfort, good to acknowledge the grieving that is a process and not an event.
I have said this before......it has helped me so very much
to have found acceptance and trust that Doug, our bond and our love, is still here
, just different than before. It comforts me every day.
I am going to share one story....there are more
.....from December, which I shared immediately with our children, as particularly his need comfort and I want them to believe
"I have promised your Dad to do what I can to help his children and grandchildren believe his spirit and soul live on, even though his body has died.
I wanted to share a story with you, that assures me, again, that this is true.
Before I headed to Iowa for your Dad's funeral, I went into our small, local jeweler to have my bracelets and anniversary ring cleaned/checked. I saw a small, sterling silver medical alert charm, which I had them print "warfarin" on the back, bought a long chain, and put it around my neck.
A couple of weeks ago, picking up clothing items for the youngest Hayes children, I was looking at those memory charms you see everywhere....sterling silver and 70% off. I had hoped to find a rose to add to this chain....your Dad was all about the roses, you know, from our first date.
Didn't find a rose, but a claddagh and then a rather open-weave heart, and felt those were what I was supposed to find. 70%off. Bought them both, strung one on either side of the medical alert charm.
I woke up a couple of morning later to find the claddagh next to the heart and the medical alert charm to one side. Could not figure out how that could have happened, the chain strung THROUGH each of those.
Took it off, restrung them with the medical alert in the center. Woke up a couple of mornings later and the medical alert charm was again to the side, the claddagh next to the heart.
I decided this is how your Dad must want them, he the Irishman, next to my heart. I left them as they were and they haven't moved again in 12 days or so.
There are a few other things, but this was the biggie. I believe your Dad is and will stay close to those he loved. I talk to him, ask for his guidance, and believe he gives it to me.....and occasionally sends little signs that he is around,
He would want you to believe the same. Your Dad loved his children more than life itself.
Be well, and believe.
I found a rose charm in January, placed it in the center, as the heaviest, and told Doug to leave it there.....they were all symbols of him and us, but the rose was the heaviest and needed to be in the center. They haven't moved.
I wear these around my neck all the time, touch them sometimes and talk to him. I feel he is pleased these mementos lay close to my heartt.
Just wanted to share.